Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

Guest101

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

Would you write publicly on Facebook that you don't get on with them and would rather not spend time with them and would rather your babies didn't spend time with them either?

If so, then I see no need to invite them.
If you wouldn't then I think you should invite them. Not inviting them sneds out the same message as posting that would.

If I was in the shoe's of the OPs OH, and was shown me thread.

It would tell me a lot, possibly some things I didn't know.

Honestly, I would question the OPs commitment.

It's family. This is a pre cursor to life in the future. Care for elderly relatives, who would be invited to Christmas dinner, birthdays, etc etc.

dktreesea

PasturesNew wrote: »

I thought baby showers were "thrown for you", not something you organised yourself (which'd be crass) ... in which case there'd be no reason for the mother to not put one together on her home turf too.

You shouldn't be doing the inviting - that should be done by the person doing the organising.

Quite. It's not for the expectant mother to even decide the guest list, I would have thought.


I have various extended family members who have been expecting the last couple of years. Usually the mother-to-be's mother and sisters arranged the shower. If the in laws were there, that's because everyone knew each other, i.e. the couples had been together or married for a few years prior to starting their family. Most times though the in laws weren't there. Why would the mother of the mother-to-be invite them if she didn't know them?


The latest shower I sent something along for (it was 200 miles away) didn't have anyone from the boyfriend's family at it. And I wouldn't have expected them to be invited. The families didn't know each other. The couple had only been seeing each other for 14 months.

Pollycat

lulu_92 wrote: »

I do agree, I never really saw the appeal. I've specified no presents and games as that's just not my type of thing.

Maybe I'm not seeing it as a baby shower or a mum-to-be shower, and more of an excuse to see family and friends, and eat cake..

Then you (or your Mum) really shouldn't have started out calling it a baby shower at all.

Maybe your OH's family might see just a get-together of your family & your friends as nothing to get het-up about. (or they might not).

You know your in-laws better than anyone else on this board so only you can say if you think they'll be offended.

If it were me and I thought there was the slightest chance that it might cause trouble between both families with you, your OH and your new twins smack in the middle, I'd cancel immediately.

Andypandyboy

lulu_92 wrote: »

I know... and it really upsets me that this is a possibily. At the same time I'm upset that it doesn't really matter how I feel about it? Ever since I got pregnant my opinions haven't really mattered, I thought that only happened once the baby was born! :rotfl:

It isn't a possibility it is a certainty.

Every birthday and Christmas, every milestone.

Opinions are one thing, manners, courtesy and family relationships are another.

The babies will enmesh you forever in an extended family unit.

I agree with the poster who said that if I were your OH I would be very upset to read this thread. It shines a light into the future and it doesn't illuminate the nice parts. If he is close to his family I can see endless bickering and hurt in the future.

gingercordial

lulu_92 wrote: »

I know... and it really upsets me that this is a possibily. At the same time I'm upset that it doesn't really matter how I feel about it? Ever since I got pregnant my opinions haven't really mattered, I thought that only happened once the baby was born! :rotfl:

How you feel is important, of course. However you have to accept that if you feel a certain way, and act on it, other people will in turn have feelings about that.

The feeling you have is "I don't like my in-laws enough to invite them to the baby shower". It's fine not to like your in-laws!

If you act on that feeling and don't invite them, you are telling them you don't like them very much. It is a very clear message.

In turn they will feel (and are allowed to feel) upset about this. Maybe even very upset. They will have been told their daughter-in-law doesn't like them very much and that they are not welcome at their grandchild's baby shower.

Your feelings are always valid but once you show those feelings to others you have to be prepared for the consequences because they have feelings too.

If you still want to have a shower without them, of course you can, you just have to accept the consequences of upsetting them.

I guess I'm not too knowledgable on the etiquette of baby showers, as I've never been to one, so I always found them to be something the mum to be does with her side of the family (similar to a hen party, although I know some people invite in laws on these). I don't know.

It's the same with hen parties in my opinion - they aren't a "bride's side only" thing. I didn't invite any relatives to mine, it was friends only as I don't have any sisters/close cousins and my mum wouldn't have been up for a night out clubbing. But if I'd invited any female relatives from my side (eg my sister, if I had one) I would also have felt the need to invite the same female relatives from his side (eg my sister-in-law, if I had one). The point of these social events for weddings and new babies are that families become combined so his relatives are now effectively your relatives and so should be treated the same, otherwise feelings get very hurt.

maman

lulu_92 wrote: »

I know... and it really upsets me that this is a possibily. At the same time I'm upset that it doesn't really matter how I feel about it? Ever since I got pregnant my opinions haven't really mattered, I thought that only happened once the baby was born! :rotfl:

It's fine to hold opinions and they do matter. Unfortunately, when opinions like 'I'd rather not spend time with my OH's family' are implied they are hurtful. So, you either stick to your opinions because you want your own way or you think of OH's feelings and his family's and keep your opinions to yourself.


Personally, I wouldn't even ask your OH about it. However much you say 'I miss my mates' or whatever he'll know (forever) that you considered not inviting his family.

gettingtheresometime

I didn't particularly want to spend time with OHs family Christmas time but I sucked it up because a) it was his family and b) he wanted to spend that time with his family.

I suspect a lot of paternal grandmas feel that they're treated as second class citizens when it comes to visiting etc and I would be gutted if I was started to be treated as a second class citizen even before the baby was born let alone afterwards.

pollypenny

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

I didn't particularly want to spend time with OHs family Christmas time but I sucked it up because a) it was his family and b) he wanted to spend that time with his family.

I suspect a lot of paternal grandmas feel that they're treated as second class citizens when it comes to visiting etc and I would be gutted if I was started to be treated as a second class citizen even before the baby was born let alone afterwards.

You're spot on with your second paragraph.

When each of my grandsons were born DIL's mother was there visiting, to stay, when they were a week old.

We had to wait a month. Distance involved as they are in the USA.

I asked if we could visit for the older one's birthday last year, then stay a while begins visiting New York. DIL's mother had got in first.

lulu_92

I'm obviously more of a horrible person than I initially thought.

There's no doubting my commitment to my OH.

I wrote the thread as plainly as possible. I didn't want to include the things OHs mum has said or done to me as I thought it would be petty, but these things all add up and whilst I'm perfectly nice to her and would never deprive her of seeing her grandchildren, I'm reluctant to spend time with her without my OH as she makes me feel quite anxious to the point that her attendance at this gathering makes me feel very sad and not excited. It makes me a bit sad that on this thread my feelings obviously aren't considered as I'm a bad person for feeling this way.

I ran it past OH and he doesn't know what I should do, nor does he know whether it would cause issues, although doesn't understand why I feel this way and can't see that his family are pushing mine out (which I get why, we all think our parents are the better ones!)

He has suggested two gatherings, but I personally feel i'll only have the energy for one at 32 weeks, if that!

It is a gathering, but people will call it a shower and I can't do anything about that.

I've told my mum either to uninvite my friends or cancel it altogether, neither of which is what I want to do but I feel it would save a lot of trouble.

heuchera

Oh OP if this is what you get when you mention a baby shower, just imagine the dramas you're going to encounter if you were to organise a wedding :eek::rotfl:

Stick to your guns. have a nice meet-up with the people you want to see but don't call it a baby shower.