Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

Ames

Based on previous posts by the OP I think it's a lot more complicated than it first seems. I'm not sure that the MIL is the fluffy granny to be that it's normal to assume. I'm thinking of her not buying the OP a Christmas present 'because she's pregnant'. I can understand why the OP doesn't want to have a get together with tensions bubbling below the surface.

Andypandyboy

lulu_92 wrote: »

I'm obviously more of a horrible person than I initially thought.

There's no doubting my commitment to my OH.

I wrote the thread as plainly as possible. I didn't want to include the things OHs mum has said or done to me as I thought it would be petty, but these things all add up and whilst I'm perfectly nice to her and would never deprive her of seeing her grandchildren, I'm reluctant to spend time with her without my OH as she makes me feel quite anxious to the point that her attendance at this gathering makes me feel very sad and not excited. It makes me a bit sad that on this thread my feelings obviously aren't considered as I'm a bad person for feeling this way.

I ran it past OH and he doesn't know what I should do, nor does he know whether it would cause issues, although doesn't understand why I feel this way and can't see that his family are pushing mine out (which I get why, we all think our parents are the better ones!)

He has suggested two gatherings, but I personally feel i'll only have the energy for one at 32 weeks, if that!

It is a gathering, but people will call it a shower and I can't do anything about that.

I've told my mum either to uninvite my friends or cancel it altogether, neither of which is what I want to do but I feel it would save a lot of trouble.

I think he needs to understand or this is just the beginning.

What has been said and why do you feel that his family is pushing yours out? If you say that to him, you have to be able to explain it.

Your mum knows what the issue is, surely she would suggest that she would step back and just make it a friends gathering only, that would solve the problem.

Your Oh will also now see it as a baby shower.

OP I am afraid you have opened a can of worms here.

heuchera

Ames wrote: »

Based on previous posts by the OP I think it's a lot more complicated than it first seems. I'm not sure that the MIL is the fluffy granny to be that it's normal to assume. I'm thinking of her not buying the OP a Christmas present 'because she's pregnant'. I can understand why the OP doesn't want to have a get together with tensions bubbling below the surface.

I don't want to go trawling through someone's past threads, but that is a bit off!

balletshoes

lulu_92 wrote: »

I'm obviously more of a horrible person than I initially thought.

There's no doubting my commitment to my OH.

I wrote the thread as plainly as possible. I didn't want to include the things OHs mum has said or done to me as I thought it would be petty, but these things all add up and whilst I'm perfectly nice to her and would never deprive her of seeing her grandchildren, I'm reluctant to spend time with her without my OH as she makes me feel quite anxious to the point that her attendance at this gathering makes me feel very sad and not excited.
It makes me a bit sad that on this thread my feelings obviously aren't considered as I'm a bad person for feeling this way.

lots of people on this thread have replied to you saying of course your feelings are to be considered - but you have to accept, as an adult, that what you choose to do about your feelings will have consequences. Thats what you have to consider, alongside your feelings.

I ran it past OH and he doesn't know what I should do, nor does he know whether it would cause issues, although doesn't understand why I feel this way and can't see that his family are pushing mine out (which I get why, we all think our parents are the better ones!)

He has suggested two gatherings, but I personally feel i'll only have the energy for one at 32 weeks, if that!

It is a gathering, but people will call it a shower and I can't do anything about that.

I've told my mum either to uninvite my friends or cancel it altogether, neither of which is what I want to do but I feel it would save a lot of trouble.

I think you're right, and I think in the long run, cancelling is the best thing to do. After all, initially you didn't want the shower in the first place.

But please don't put this situation in the pile with the other issues you feel have been caused by your OH's family - this isn't one of those.
I really do think you have misunderstood what a baby shower is - if relatives are invited, it should be the baby's closest relatives ie your mum, OH's mum, your sisters, his sisters etc.

Don't let this situation stress you out, this really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Pick your battles as the saying goes (you're just having to consider it a little earlier in the family dynamic game than others may have to ).

Georgiegirl256

lulu_92 wrote: »

I've told my mum either to uninvite my friends or cancel it altogether, neither of which is what I want to do but I feel it would save a lot of trouble.

That's just being childish. In answer to your question, yes IMO you should feel,bad for not asking her or any of your OH's relatives.

Quite often paternal grandparents get pushed out and sometimes don't see the grandchildren as much as the mothers parents do. So if she gets wind that she hasn't been invited, it'll not only make her feel pushed out, but it could cause no end of trouble.

Extending an invitation (which she might not even accept tw, but the offer was there) would be a lovely gesture and thing to do. If you think about it, you'll have about 20 people there from your family and non from the OH's....how bad does that look?

lush_walrus

You don't want a baby shower and also do not want your in laws there. So why not call it a meal at your mums house and done. No one would expect to be invited to a meal at someone else's house. But keep everyone off of Facebook with pictures of you all playing pin the nappy on the baby or whatever happens at these things.

lulu_92

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

That's just being childish. In answer to your question, yes IMO you should feel,bad for not asking her or any of your OH's relatives.

Quite often paternal grandparents get pushed out and sometimes don't see the grandchildren as much as the mothers parents do. So if she gets wind that she hasn't been invited, it'll not only make her feel pushed out, but it could cause no end of trouble.

Extending an invitation (which she might not even accept tw, but the offer was there) would be a lovely gesture and thing to do. If you think about it, you'll have about 20 people there from your family and non from the OH's....how bad does that look?

I can guarantee that she will not be pushed out. She's nearer to retirement age than my parents so we see her an awful lot. So much more than any of my family members. I would never push her out either. I understand why her not getting an invite would seem like she is but the amount that we involve her already should speak volumes about how important she is to us and our babies.

I worry that my family will.be pushed out as they work more so I don't get to see them.as often. OHs mum has already told me that's she's number one when it comes to grandparents (and she wasn't even joking) and was upset that we told my mum first that we were pregnant (a whole hour before we told her). Every time I get a scan photo she moans that we don't give her one (a fiver each and you don't get many for twins, and we don't give anyone else one) and never says anything about including my family (but mine always offer to include hers). It is true that she didn't get me a present at Christmas because I'm pregnant. Maybe I'm still resentful that she called my miscarriage in June a disappointment, instead of being sad or sympathetic. So when it comes to pregnancy we appreciate what she has done for us in terms of buying us the cot and some other stuff, she doesn't really support how I feel (always bringing up my size and weight, mentioning how she was a size 6 two days after birth)

OH wouldn't be there so I'd feel even worse about his relatives being there. I get on with them and I'm not horrible to them at all, but as I mentioned above I would be anxious with her there as she judges everything I say and do and I just want a relaxing day.

None of it matters now anyway as I've just bit the bullet and said let's just invite them. I'm not particularly happy about it but I suppose I better get used to doing things I don't want to do! :rotfl:

Pollycat

lulu_92 wrote: »

I'm obviously more of a horrible person than I initially thought.

There's no doubting my commitment to my OH.

I wrote the thread as plainly as possible. I didn't want to include the things OHs mum has said or done to me as I thought it would be petty, but these things all add up and whilst I'm perfectly nice to her and would never deprive her of seeing her grandchildren, I'm reluctant to spend time with her without my OH as she makes me feel quite anxious to the point that her attendance at this gathering makes me feel very sad and not excited. It makes me a bit sad that on this thread my feelings obviously aren't considered as I'm a bad person for feeling this way.

It's clear that there are issues with your in-laws.

But people just post based on the facts they are given.

lulu_92 wrote: »

I ran it past OH and he doesn't know what I should do, nor does he know whether it would cause issues, although doesn't understand why I feel this way and can't see that his family are pushing mine out (which I get why, we all think our parents are the better ones!)

He has suggested two gatherings, but I personally feel i'll only have the energy for one at 32 weeks, if that!

It is a gathering, but people will call it a shower and I can't do anything about that.

I've told my mum either to uninvite my friends or cancel it altogether, neither of which is what I want to do but I feel it would save a lot of trouble.

I think the bit in bold has the potential to really drive a wedge between you and your OH.

You clearly have issues with your MIL - rightly or wrongly, who can say - but if your own husband doesn't understand why there are issues, you may find him taking his family's side against you.

I hope that's not going to be the case.

Brighton_belle

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

That's just being childish. In answer to your question, yes IMO you should feel,bad for not asking her or any of your OH's relatives.

Quite often paternal grandparents get pushed out and sometimes don't see the grandchildren as much as the mothers parents do. So if she gets wind that she hasn't been invited, it'll not only make her feel pushed out, but it could cause no end of trouble.

She hadn't 'not invited them'... her mother only suggested the idea a few hours ago... she was asking if it was ok to not . People have been clear that etiquette wise she would need to.
It's ok for the OP not to be able to face her in laws occasionally. She just wanted a gentle time with her mother and a few friends.


I don't think you're a horrible person at all lulu. Domineering in laws can be exhausting. The mistake was in calling it a baby shower - but the idea was thrown at you. I think some of the replies have been a little unfair to you.

balletshoes

lulu_92 wrote: »

I can guarantee that she will not be pushed out. She's nearer to retirement age than my parents so we see her an awful lot. So much more than any of my family members. I would never push her out either. I understand why her not getting an invite would seem like she is but the amount that we involve her already should speak volumes about how important she is to us and our babies.

I worry that my family will.be pushed out as they work more so I don't get to see them.as often. OHs mum has already told me that's she's number one when it comes to grandparents (and she wasn't even joking) and was upset that we told my mum first that we were pregnant (a whole hour before we told her). Every time I get a scan photo she moans that we don't give her one (a fiver each and you don't get many for twins, and we don't give anyone else one) and never says anything about including my family (but mine always offer to include hers). It is true that she didn't get me a present at Christmas because I'm pregnant. Maybe I'm still resentful that she called my miscarriage in June a disappointment, instead of being sad or sympathetic. So when it comes to pregnancy we appreciate what she has done for us in terms of buying us the cot and some other stuff, she doesn't really support how I feel (always bringing up my size and weight, mentioning how she was a size 6 two days after birth)

OH wouldn't be there so I'd feel even worse about his relatives being there. I get on with them and I'm not horrible to them at all, but as I mentioned above I would be anxious with her there as she judges everything I say and do and I just want a relaxing day.

None of it matters now anyway as I've just bit the bullet and said let's just invite them.
I'm not particularly happy about it but I suppose I better get used to doing things I don't want to do! :rotfl:

never a truer word spoken Lulu - one day I'll tell you the tale of traipsing a moaning teenager 2 flights, plus 3 hours drive up a mountain abroad to stay with relatives we'd never met before, for 5 days, in a house with no proper toilet. The things we do for family .