Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

enthusiasticsaver

My daughter recently had a little girl so I have become a proud grandmother for the first time. My daughter had a baby shower, organised jointly by a friend and my other daughter and both me and MIL were invited as my daughter and son in law are very fair to both sides of the family. We all play an active role and regularly babysit our granddaughter and spend time with them all.


My daughter and son in law have found parenthood extremely difficult with sleep deprivation in particular and having a baby is one of the most wonderful but also the most stressful periods of life. Lulu, particularly if you are having twins, this will be extremely hard initially and you may want help especially in the early days so it seems harsh that you are effectively excluding your babies' paternal grandmother and aunts from the very start. It is one day and having children should be a joyful occasion so why not embrace it and include both grandmothers and aunts. If OH's family are not very nice to you then it may be worth clearing the air before the twins arrive as there will be all sorts of friction afterwards and undoubtedly you may end up seeing them more often than you do now. It depends on circumstances and what history there is between you but it seems a shame to me that this should not be celebrated by all the family.

Brighton_belle

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

so it seems harsh that you are effectively excluding your babies' paternal grandmother and aunts from the very start.

She isn't - they have been fully involved from the start. It was just this one event, with no experience of this Americanism, the OP asked if it was ok not to invite everyone.
She is now going to invite them after listening to advice as to the right etiquette.

meritaten

I am blessed in that I have a really good relationship with both my DILs. but, I can remember how hurt I was that I wasn't invited by one DIL to go to their sons 'First' nativity play in school. Although her mother was. I went to every one of my other sons kids nativity plays and thoroughly enjoyed them. I don't expect to be invited now three years on - but the exclusion still hurts as I know her mother goes to them.
Be very careful OP - your boyfriends parents WILL be your childrens grandparents and you need to be on good terms with them. you may not think its a slight - but excluding their paternal grandparents will certainly be taken as one.
I try not to let it affect the relationship - but some grandparents could take exception in a big way.

lulu_92

I get what you're saying but I'm not excluding them, at least not on purpose. They have so much involvement in everything that I thought it would be understandable that I could have one day for just my family. As I'm inviting them now it's a moot point anyway.

I will appreciate the help but as a PP pointed out, I think the offer for help might dwindle once they realise how hard twins is. I will always go to my mum first, and OH will always go to his first. It's natural.

And yes, that was me who got nothing for Christmas because of being pregnant.

Clearing the air, it's not really like that needs to happen. She says these things all of the time and it's just how she is. She doesn't think abut how people might respond to things and just says what she thinks. I pick my battles with her. It took me ages to get her to stop using the P-word around me (especially as her new granddaughters will have the Pakistani heritage)

Jagraf

I personally wouldn't even contemplate having a baby shower.

Georgiegirl256

Brighton_belle wrote: »

She hadn't 'not invited them'... her mother only suggested the idea a few hours ago... she was asking if it was ok to not . People have been clear that etiquette wise she would need to.
It's ok for the OP not to be able to face her in laws occasionally. She just wanted a gentle time with her mother and a few friends.

I meant if she did not invited them, so excuse my wording. However the sentiment remains the same.

I know the MIL has done and said things to the OP that have not been nice, but it seems in general that the OP gets on with her ok, and so IMO it would be churlish not to invite her. I see now though above, that she is, so that's good, and hopefully it'll be a nice day for everyone.

Things like baby showers, engagement parties, weddings etc are occassions to bring families together, and to only invite one side of the family seems wrong to me. If the OP wants a girly get together with her Mum and female relatives, she can do that anytime. This is an occassion to celebrate a new baby coming into the family, and that means the whole family, her side and her OH's.

enthusiasticsaver

Glad you had second thoughts OP. Yes, your OH's mother does sound a little insensitive (comments about your miscarriage and obviously she has never been in the same situation as "disappointment" is entirely the wrong word to use to someone who has lost a baby). You should be focusing on keeping well now and rested so I hope the rest of your pregnancy is as calm as possible. I hope you do get plenty of help as we try and support my daughter and son in law as much as possible and yes it is hard work looking after young babies after such a long time but rewarding too.


Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy and enjoy your twins when they arrive.

youwhat

If you are a horrible person OP then I must be equally horrible. Probably worse! Based on what you have written, if I was in your position I would be feeling the same way as you. To be honest I don't think it would have even occurred to me to ask the mum!!! Tell your mates your mum is having a tea and cake gathering just to spoil you before babies arrive. Let your mum ask the other relatives (step sister etc) to pop in for some cake.

As someone else suggested, drop the "baby shower" term (if at all possible!) and "Fab afternoon with my bestie Lulu. She will be an amazing mummy!" is exactly what you DON'T want appearing on facebook!

Good luck with your babies!

Petra_70

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

Please don't become yet another one of the endless women on here who think their mother-in-law is jealous/narcissistic/other currently fashionable pop psychology term.

It's so pathetic and it undermines us as women. We all are these women one day, they're not a separate species.

If we have sons, it seems so many of us will have to deal with the self-centered little girlfriend who wishes we didn't exist, finds fault and tries to label us with unpleasant terms. Then she tries to drag our son into it and get them to agree. All this to keep the man to herself and hide what she thinks are her faults rather than ask for help. She doesn't mind asking for help from her own mum though because she's not the competition. It's all about the competition. Why do we women do this to ourselves?

I thought similar terrible things about my own mother-in-law and did everything to avoid her and keep her out of our lives.

Now I look back with older eyes, I realize the fault was more than half mine and I wish I could go back in time and give myself a good shake. We wasted so many years in a pointless opposition, that I thought was entirely her doing, and I must have caused her many a tear.
I really regret that now.

She and I were eventually able to reboot our relationship thanks to a tactic my mum came up with. My mother-in-law was to die young and I'm so glad, for all three of us, that we were granted the time to rebuild the relationship we should have had.

I know you can't see it now but please don't do what I did.

There is just absolutely no need for this.

You clearly have unresolved issues, but there is no need for such a vicious attack against Lulu.

Although I am wondering if this whole post is nothing to do with any issues you have ever had, but just an excuse to launch an attack on Lulu, as most of what you are saying is NOTHING to do with what Lulu is on about. Indeed, some of the things you have said are bang out of order.

Lulu, take no notice of any attacks or negativity on here from anyone; just do whatever you are happy with.

Anatidaephobia

Petra_70 wrote: »

There is just absolutely no need for this.

You clearly have unresolved issues, but there is no need for such a vicious attack against Lulu.

Maybe I have misinterpreted the post, but I got the impression that only the first sentence was directed at the OP and the rest of that post was going off on a bit of a tangent with QS just musing/ranting out loud about the topic in general rather than specifically directing it at the OP. Just my opinion though. I'm sure she'll correct me if I'm wrong