Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

lulu_92

The hospital visiting is something I have already given some thought to, as I know I could be in there a while. Of course giving birth and the recovery is quite a vulnerable position to be in and I have said from the start I only wanted my mum and sister to see me in that way. To my mum and sister it's not just about the babies, but it's about their daughter and sister going through this big life-changing event.

I know this would upset OH's family so ultimately I've decided that if I am in hospital for less than four days that nobody is to visit. That way nobody can feel that I am giving preference to one person over another. A lot of decisions have been made in a similar way as I don't want to upset anyone else, even if it means I'm disappointed with the outcome (believe me, I want my mum there more than anything but I know it would cause a problem and I don't think I'd want the hassle after giving birth). This gathering/baby shower lark was the one thing I thought that maybe I could have exactly who I wanted there, but not knowing the etiquette of these things I got that wrong.

I don't see a pecking order. I am naturally closer to my parents than his, but I have made it very clear that everyone is equal. When OH's mum said she was number one I told her that in pregnancy the number one didn't exist, and if it did it would be me and my babies. A few weeks ago I casually mentioned to her that my mum and grandma have been knitting blankets and clothes, as they do for all babies in our family. I didn't really think much of it, I just said it in passing as they know my mum is great at knitting stuff and I've often shown them before things she has made for other people. We went round a few days after this and she said that she had seen something in a shop she wanted to buy but that she "couldn't" because "my parents are buying all of the clothes". I reassured her that nobody is taking over one element of what the babies need, the babies will need a lot of clothes and, at the end of the day if she sees something that she wants to buy for her grandbabies she should go for it! I was a bit taken aback by how she had gotten that impression, and it upset me that she thought that was the case, as it was only a passing comment. She also gives me a weird look if she points something out and I say that someone else has offered to buy it, which I find weird but ultimately I let it go as I'm more appreciative of the help we are receiving from everyone.

My parents and OH's parents have met twice in the four years we've been together. Not because we haven't tried or wanted them to meet, but that's just how it's been. They get on with no issues.

warehouse

A baby shower? How American.

We live in the UK.

JimmyTheWig

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

My mother-in-law was to die young and I'm so glad, for all three of us, that we were granted the time to rebuild the relationship we should have had.

This sentence finished much better than I thought it was starting!

Jagraf

duchy wrote: »

Wow
When I had my son I wouldn't have dreamed of dictating a pecking order for grandparents.
Whilst Ii was much closer to my parents than my in-laws he was a first grandchild for ALL of them and they all rocked up the first visiting time and were welcome- None of them outstayed their welcome and left after a sensible time to make sure I got to rest.

I do wonder if this current fashion of baby first and marriage (maybe) later on means that it is more common that the grandparents have met less often (if at all) so there isn't any feeling of two families united by a marriage.

I never regarded my son's paternal grandparents as "second tier" . I regarded myself and my husband as equal parents so why should grandparents not be equal too ?

I find some of the attitudes on this thread baffling to be honest - and quite unkind to fathers -if their parents are less important -then are they less important too ?

Excellent post. For some reason some new parents think they are in charge of everyone. I wonder if any parents in law have ever turned round, after being given a whole load of rules, and just said "get stuffed!".

lulu_92

Jagraf wrote: »

Excellent post. For some reason some new parents think they are in charge of everyone. I wonder if any parents in law have ever turned round, after being given a whole load of rules, and just said "get stuffed!".

On the other hand, do you think new parents should just lie down and let everyone do as they please because the baby is their relation as well?

New parents should be taken into consideration, and all parties should compromise. That's the key. I'm compromising by inviting OHs side when I would have preferred not to. I'm compromising who can come and visit me in the hospital , even though all I want is my mum to be there, so nobody can be upset that they were "left out".

I have had to compromise on a lot, whereas nobody else has really had to. It's exhausting now trying to make everyone happy, God knows how hard it'll be after I have my daughters! :rotfl:

I am "giving rules" but they will be for everyone (so not to antagonise one or two people) although it is really only one thing and it applies whether I'm a new parents or not:
Don't come around unannounced, and let us know with plenty of notice that you want to visit.

pollypenny

It must have been better or easier in the 70s then. Had to fight for OH to stay and then just him to visit.

OP, is either grandmother going to be involved in future child-care? Just wondering.

Jagraf

lulu_92 wrote: »

On the other hand, do you think new parents should just lie down and let everyone do as they please because the baby is their relation as well?

New parents should be taken into consideration, and all parties should compromise. That's the key. I'm compromising by inviting OHs side when I would have preferred not to. I'm compromising who can come and visit me in the hospital , even though all I want is my mum to be there, so nobody can be upset that they were "left out".

I have had to compromise on a lot, whereas nobody else has really had to. It's exhausting now trying to make everyone happy, God knows how hard it'll be after I have my daughters! :rotfl:

I am "giving rules" but they will be for everyone (so not to antagonise one or two people) although it is really only one thing and it applies whether I'm a new parents or not:
Don't come around unannounced, and let us know with plenty of notice that you want to visit.

My post wasn't aimed at you, but more generally. I have friends who are new grandparents where rules were laid down heavily until babysitting was required, or other help needed. Grandparents who had to wait until 'someone more important' had visited.

I really didn't like my ex mother in law but she was always lovely to my daughter, so even through divorce I opened my doors to her (although eventually she decided not to bother).

There is the common courtesy element of course where people give notice (although kids turn up unexpectedly at their parents - it seems to be ok to change tge rules and let grandparents down). Most grandparents just want to share in the joy and I never wanted to dampen that.

My DD has 7 grandparents now - she lost one last year - all spoil her and she's one lucky grandchild! I had none. I'm just thankful to anyone for their enthusiasm to love my child in a grandparent way.

lulu_92

Jagraf, apologies, I didn't see it as being aimed at me, just offering a different perspective.

My children are going to be lucky that they will have 6 grandparents, and 3 great-grandparents. I would never do anything to stop any of them giving my children the amount of love they will undoubtedly provide.

The giving notice thing is a pet peeve of mine. I hate it when people just drop by as it throws me off guard a bit. I think when getting into a routine with the babies I'll appreciate the courtesy. As they get older I'll probably mind less. I always make sure we give notice to people and I intend to keep it that way as it is only polite.

Pollypenny we aren't using family for regular childcare for many reasons, none of them personal.

JimmyTheWig

lulu_92 wrote: »

My children are going to be lucky that they will have 6 grandparents

Without wanting to open a can of worms, does this mean that there is another grandmother not being invited to the baby shower?

lulu_92

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

Without wanting to open a can of worms, does this mean that there is another grandmother not being invited to the baby shower?

Technically, my dad's partner. I don't see either of them very often though and I will always class her in the grandparent category as my dad is going to be a grandpa.

Her and my mum have never met and I don't have a "stepmum" relationship with her. It's nothing personal at all.