Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

Bean83

lulu_92 wrote: »

Thanks. I really do feel horrible, I don't want anyone thinking I hate his family. I appreciate everything they do for us and we would be lost without them. My choice to not invite them wasn't because I think she's a horrible person, but because I have been feeling like his family have been at (or at least expected to be) the forefront of everything baby related without taking my family to consideration. and I really don't want to alienate my family, but as you can imagine when you're working and trying to ready the house for your incoming arrivals in your spare time, it doesn't leave a lot of time to split between two families who live in different directions! I suppose I'm a bit disappointed that January has been very focused on seeing his family and mine have taken a backseat slightly because we haven't been able to see them because we've done x y z with the future in laws. My parents totally understand but I feel guilty because I see them a lot less. I want everyone to be on equal footing and don't want one family thinking they're more important to us than the other, because that is just not true, which is probably why the number one grandma comment irritated me so much.

Little things do add up and I think they stick out more when I'm already stressed about preparing for these babies.

I am worried about what it will be like after the birth, because I think that a lot of people generally forget about the wellbeing of the new mum and don't really show courtesy when visiting. With twins I am high risk and the chances of the birth not being straight forward are also high. I think my OH and I will need some time to adjust to our family doubling in size before we are joined by a seemingly endless line of visitors.

I'm a natural worrier and it makes me sad that I've managed to make myself sound so mean in this thread!

I totally sympathise with you - I'm 35 weeks pregnant (just the one baby for me!) and I'm getting concerned about how we are going to manage visitors in the first few days/weeks. Both sets of parents are desperate to meet baby as soon as possible (and keep going on about it!), but OH and I have decided we don't want any visitors straightaway and are going to have the first day/night (dependent on when I leave hospital of course) to ourselves just getting used to the new arrival. I've tried to subtly hint at how we want to do things but I don't think anyone is really listening - my mum is getting a bit pushy already and it's freaking me out!

Don't get me wrong, I am so glad to have such supportive parents that want to be involved, and I know I'm going to desperately need and appreciate their help over the coming months, but the first few days with a new baby are so precious and it's time that we as a new family of three will never get back.

OH is in charge of contacting people after the birth and controlling visitors, so we're just going to have to be blunt and tell people to stay away until we're ready. I won't be opening the door to anyone who turns up uninvited to see baby in the first couple of days!!

duchy

Lulu are you a natural worrier or is this hormones ?

You seem to be looking for problems before they exist.

I have a philosophy that it's pointless to worry about something before it happens as if it happens you can worry about it then ...and if it doesn't happen then you don't need to worry (and haven't wasted time worrying about something that didn't happen)

If you can adopt this way of thinking then maybe you'll stress less....and that can only be good for your babies (and you)

Jagraf

I think planning anything before a baby (or babies ) are born is difficult, because I think nothing ever is quite as planned. I remember some of my plans -

No pain relief - had an epidural
Breast feed for 12 weeks at least - bottle fed after three
Boil in the bag nappies (or whatever they were called!) - disposables almost immediately
Timed feeding - fed on demand
Organised bedtime routine - organised chaos

I had no hospital visitors (except OH) as I discharged myself as soon as I could :o and walked into my small terrace to be greeted by both sets of grandparents and the look of shock on my dads face at being home "how did you get out so quick".

I then sat down to a roast chicken dinner, went off to bed with baby and husband, while all the folks cleaned up.

It's been a bit like that for 16 years since Ha Ha!

Personally I wanted to see other people almost immediately (didn't think I would) as that made me feel more normal.

My sis in law had twins lulu and they are a joy. You will be perfect, whatever you do x

lulu_92

duchy wrote: »

Lulu are you a natural worrier or is this hormones ?

You seem to be looking for problems before they exist.

I have a philosophy that it's pointless to worry about something before it happens as if it happens you can worry about it then ...and if it doesn't happen then you don't need to worry (and haven't wasted time worrying about something that didn't happen)

If you can adopt this way of thinking then maybe you'll stress less....and that can only be good for your babies (and you)

Natural born worrier my friend! Hormones have made it a bit worse. I think because there's so much that could potentially upset at least one person (yes I know I'm a hypocrite due to the origin of this thread - that decision wasn't to upset anyone, just found it weird, but I digress).

I think about visitors I'm worried because when I told OH that everyone who plans to visit needs to let us know beforehand (and not a phone call to say "we're on our way") He said that would mean I was cutting off so much potential help from his side as he thinks it's a stupid rule. So in a way I'm scared that I can't really put my foot down in places I want to because OH won't agree for fear of upsetting his family (but feels fine about doing it to my family sometimes)

mumps

lulu_92 wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. I am feeling low at the minute and I'm scared it will be the same after the birth.

I want to set expectations regarding visitors but my previous desire of "no unannounced or uninvited visits" did not go down well with my OH as he doesn't see it as an issue, although since then he turned up at his grandma's unannounced and she told him off so hopefully that's changed his mind!

Oh that is funny, you have his grandma working for you even if she doesn't know it.

Duchy is right you know, they will be dying to see the babies and if you can manage to be without them for five minutes then dad explaining that you are having a rest but letting them see the babies should work well. Mind you I might be unusual but I loved visitors when I was in hospital, well I loved showing the baby off, even after 36 hours in labour and and an emergency c section! You don't know how you will feel so try not to worry.

I have 3 grandchildren and have no idea if there were any baby showers. If there were I don't feel insulted as ignorance is bliss:rotfl:

Blackbeard_of_Perranporth

Good luck with your baby and the rest of your life. You will probably need it!

reehsetin

lulu_92 wrote: »

I think about visitors I'm worried because when I told OH that everyone who plans to visit needs to let us know beforehand (and not a phone call to say "we're on our way") He said that would mean I was cutting off so much potential help from his side as he thinks it's a stupid rule. So in a way I'm scared that I can't really put my foot down in places I want to because OH won't agree for fear of upsetting his family (but feels fine about doing it to my family sometimes)

But he doesn't mind you getting upset at visitors?
I remember reading this a while ago which left a lasting impression on me maybe worth sharing with him so he's a bit more understanding if you need your own space http://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this

[Deleted User]

lulu_92 wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. I am feeling low at the minute and I'm scared it will be the same after the birth.

I want to set expectations regarding visitors but my previous desire of "no unannounced or uninvited visits" did not go down well with my OH as he doesn't see it as an issue, although since then he turned up at his grandma's unannounced and she told him off so hopefully that's changed his mind!

Is your OH northern by any chance? My wife thinks I'm weird that I will pop by peoples houses without giving them notice. She has trained me to realise it is rude to do so. Train him also, and his family.

My 'baby' mantra is "It will get easier". Babies are hard work. There's no sugar coating it. Some people get it easy, others get it hard. My second son was so much easier going than our first.

BUT - they get older, they change, they gain independence, and before you know it they'll be taking themselves off for trips to the toilet at night, and getting dressed themselves in the morning.

So however hard it might feel you need to remember "It will get easier"

duchy

Jagraf wrote: »

No pain relief - had an epidural
Breast feed for 12 weeks at least - bottle fed after three
Boil in the bag nappies (or whatever they were called!) - disposables almost immediately
Timed feeding - fed on demand
Organised bedtime routine - organised chaos


Personally I wanted to see other people almost immediately (didn't think I would) as that made me feel more normal.

My sis in law had twins lulu and they are a joy. You will be perfect, whatever you do x

Oh this was soooooo me

Lulu just go with the flow a bit
You may find you want to nest with your OH and the twins or you may want the world and his dog to visit so you can show off your beautiful babies -and be practically dragging people in off the street to admire them cos you'll be so happy and proud. You won't know til the time comes

You are about to start one huge and happy adventure - enjoy the anticipation

Rebel_Cause

ringo_24601 wrote: »

Is your OH northern by any chance? My wife thinks I'm weird that I will pop by peoples houses without giving them notice. She has trained me to realise it is rude to do so. Train him also, and his family.

My OH's mother has Northern roots and she goes to family member's homes unnanounced. She said that is something the family has always done that, it is like a tradition of some sort. I think it was either I or my OH who politely suggested that she gives us the heads up first. Now, she always calls or texts ahead. I would always let her know well in advance, well, I would actually ask "Is it ok if we/I pop in?" I could never dream of showing up uninvited into someone's home. Total bad manners, blood or not. I always do that with a neighbour of mine because she likes her space, privacy and sanctuary!