Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

Lily-Rose_3

lush_walrus wrote: »

My husband totally agreed with me, he also wanted me to have space to start to recover. We were and are married so it is nothing to do with your assumption of current fashion as you do put it and it's nothing to do with second tier as you appear to quote. Both my fil and my mil spend far more time with our children than my parent do.

But while in hospital the mother should be the parent who chooses if she is comfortable with visitors. If you have been in hospital after giving birth for more than a night with any form of complication you would understand why. Frankly I do not wish my parents in law to be gorping at wee in a bag, nor hanging around while I am examined, I and my husband believed I deserved the dignity and privacy that waiting one day would allow.

Perhaps you should not judge all situations by your own, then you should find yourself less baffled.

Kaye1 wrote: »

Having a baby can be overwhelming, frightening and amazing. Surely, it is natural for the new Mum to want someone close to share that time- OH, Mum/Sister.

It isn't always about excluding others- it is sometimes just wanting someone who is really close to you nearby. Someone you have grown up with- someone who you trust wholeheartedly.

Of course, you should include MiL where you can- but that birth time is for you to choose.

When_the_going_gets_tough wrote: »

Lulu the very best with the birth and your babies. I do think that if you want your mum in hospital then you just have her - anyone else can put up with it. Sometimes only mum will do. Also for your mum she will want to see first and formost that her little girl - ie you - is okay.

barbiedoll wrote: »

Any normal and sensible person would understand perfectly why you would want your own mother around at a time when you are at your most vunerable....if your MIL is neither normal nor sensible, then that's her problem, not yours.

Your MIL does sound like hard work and you sound like you're bending over backwards to accommodate her. Maybe try manning up a little and stop letting her bully you? If she calls round and you're not up to seeing her, either don't answer the door or tell her that it's not convenient and you're just about to go out/have a sleep/you're expecting other visitors and if she'd called, you could have told her that...etc etc etc.

pigpen wrote: »

re hospital visiting.. most SCBU/NICU units only allow parents, grandparents and the babys siblings.. no more than 2 at a time so you are ok there.. you can also tell the reception staff you do not want ANY visitors other than OH and they will not let them in.. I refuse all visitors because I don't want to see them, I'm tired, in pain and not a happy bunny.. they wouldn't want to see me .. plus most don't see me before baby arrives so they can bog off afterwards.

When you get home start making it VERY clear now that you are not accepting drop in visitors for the first 6 months.. any visits must be arranged 24 hours in advance or expect to be turned away at the door.. you only have to do it once and they get the message.

Absolutely agree 100% with the above posts, and it's not about excluding in-laws. As many people have said, the fragile and vulnerable new mommy wants those closest to her when she is in labour and giving birth. I would have thought that any woman who had been through it would understand. Even so, if some women allow the whole extended family and the whole world and his wife at such a personal and intimate event, then that's up to them, but don't go ranting that people are excluding in-laws because they don't want them at the birth of their children FGS!

Me personally, I had my husband, and my husband only. When I went into labour, we told NO-ONE. The last thing I would have wanted was his brother and sister in law and their kids, and his parents turning up, when I was in such a vulnerable position. I was in labour for a long time, and went through a LOT (like many other women have in labour,) and I didn't want DH's family there. Why the hell would I? I didn't even want my own family there. Not at the birth of our child! And I wanted no visitors for 3 days, and DH told everyone that, and everyone was fine with it.

Re the OP; as has been said, I wouldn't have a baby shower and exclude the in-laws, but just get together with a few friends and family members for a meal out. Then bite the bullet and have a bit of a do and go out with the in laws. Although, if you have already decided to invite them; then this is irrelevant anyway LOL.

As for your MIL using the P-word, when your child will be half pakistani; that is disgusting. As someone said earlier; maybe she is badly educated and ignorant: she sounds it. I think the less your child has to do with your DH's side of the family, the better. Don't exclude them altogether, but give them a wide berth; I would.

Oh and finally, I can't be doing with people popping in with no warning either... it makes me very anxious. I keep watching the clock thinking 'when are you going to leave?' I don't like people visiting at all actually, and prefer to meet people on neutral ground. I feel under pressure and really stressed out, when people visit me. So as many people have said Lulu, as the new mommy, and the one who has done all the hard work, it's up to you to make up the rules. Stuff what anyone else thinks. If they don't like it, it's their problem.

lulu_92

I think the whole P word thing is ignorance more than anything else, they're the kind of people to use the word to describe anyone who is of middle eastern origin. I will make sure my kids see both sides of their family evenly. They will appreciate all elements of their heritage.

lulu_92

The visitor thing frustrates OH. He doesn't understand why I feel the way I do about it. I think I need to show him some "useful articles" on the aftermath of childbirth for him to get it!

euronorris

Nevermind if you are going to be feeling up to it or not, what's wrong with wanting some time alone with just you, him and the babies before introducing them to everyone else? That time is special and precious. I genuinely don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to have it as just you guys for a few days.


I'm also one for not wanting people dropping in unannounced. I don't mind people popping by, not even at short notice, but a quick text or call ahead is all I ask for. DH's friend has finally accepted that and now texts ahead. Took a while though! lol

duchy

euronorris wrote: »

I'm also one for not wanting people dropping in unannounced. I don't mind people popping by, not even at short notice, but a quick text or call ahead is all I ask for. DH's friend has finally accepted that and now texts ahead. Took a while though! lol

Doesn't work with newborns but I have a friend who if someone turns up unannounced answers the door with her coat on and announces she's just rushing out to an appointment and they really should have text or rung first........She has retrained just about everyone not to just drop in unannounced

pigpen

lulu_92 wrote: »

The visitor thing frustrates OH. He doesn't understand why I feel the way I do about it. I think I need to show him some "useful articles" on the aftermath of childbirth for him to get it!

Once he has seen the trauma of childbirth he may well understand.. it ain't tidy or pretty and you definitely do not wake up one morning with beautifully clean, dressed babies sleeping soundly in the crib beside you! If only!!!

I had PTSD after 2 of mine as an example of potential level of trauma! Hospitals have special teams dealing with mums who have been so traumatised by the delivery.. (these shouldn't be needed)



Hopefully you will have a beautiful experience but even with everything going smoothly the shock to your body and emotions and life is pretty traumatic.. throw in a visit to SCBU and all things bleepy and lighty-uppy the last thing you want to think about is Auntie Mable getting a cup of tea when she visits and people turning up unannounced!

My daughter put a note on her door saying 'unless you have a parcel to deliver or an appointment go away because if you knock on the door and wake up the baby a rather irate parent will answer the door and you will not appreciate it.' ~ I still popped round unannounced always with a reason but I never expected anything and usually ended up entertaining a small person or the dog!

lulu_92

euronorris wrote: »

Nevermind if you are going to be feeling up to it or not, what's wrong with wanting some time alone with just you, him and the babies before introducing them to everyone else? That time is special and precious. I genuinely don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to have it as just you guys for a few days.


I'm also one for not wanting people dropping in unannounced. I don't mind people popping by, not even at short notice, but a quick text or call ahead is all I ask for. DH's friend has finally accepted that and now texts ahead. Took a while though! lol

I hope he does want that time. He doesn't really say much on the matter but tells me it's ridiculous to deny visitors. I only want to deny the rude ones who can't even drop a text to say they want to see us!

I said if I have to spend more time no hospital I don't want anyone but my mum seeing me. According to him I'll be fine and decent for anyone to see me..

I would love to just have it as me, OH and the babies for a couple of days, just so we can adjust and get our heads around everything before we get the masses playing pass the parcel with them.

Mojisola

lulu_92 wrote: »

The visitor thing frustrates OH. He doesn't understand why I feel the way I do about it.

lulu_92 wrote: »

He doesn't really say much on the matter but tells me it's ridiculous to deny visitors.

I said if I have to spend more time no hospital I don't want anyone but my mum seeing me. According to him I'll be fine and decent for anyone to see me..

He doesn't respect your views very much, does he?

euronorris

Have you watched any one born every minute episodes together?


Most births go smoothly, and all is well etc. But some don't. And C-sections are major surgery, from which Mum needs time to recover. OBEM might open his eyes up to how it *could* be.


x

pebbles88

lulu_92 wrote: »

The visitor thing frustrates OH. He doesn't understand why I feel the way I do about it. I think I need to show him some "useful articles" on the aftermath of childbirth for him to get it!

lulu_92 wrote: »

I hope he does want that time. He doesn't really say much on the matter but tells me it's ridiculous to deny visitors. I only want to deny the rude ones who can't even drop a text to say they want to see us!

I said if I have to spend more time no hospital I don't want anyone but my mum seeing me. According to him I'll be fine and decent for anyone to see me..

I would love to just have it as me, OH and the babies for a couple of days, just so we can adjust and get our heads around everything before we get the masses playing pass the parcel with them.

I hope he realises that rather tha what he thinks you'll be like after the birth, could be very very different to how it actually is! He needs to be supporting you, you're about to bring his babies into the world! I'd like to see how'd he cope with it!! X