Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

jjj1980

I went through similar with my ex-inlaws when I had my daughter. She was born at 34 weeks by EMCS due and I in particular was incredibly ill from Pre-Eclampsia and HELLP Syndrome. I told my ex that my mum naturally was going to be at the hospital as the doctors had said my life was at risk but as per the doctors advice, no one was to be invited.


He ignored me totally and 7(!!) of his relatives turned up on the day of the EMCS and ended up being escorted out of the hospital by staff. I was in no fit state to deal with it any of what happened on that day but was later told part of the reason they were kicked out was because they all ignored the rules in NICU that only babies parents could touch them and had opened the incubator and started pawing my daughter! When I was aware enough to understand and take this in, I was fuming!


After being transferred to a more local hospital for a stay in the Transitional Care Unit while we both gained strength, I was getting abuse from them as the hospital had a ban on visitors other than babies other parent due to Swine Flu. They seriously believed I had bribed the hospital staff to lie for me. Then had the cheek to accuse me of having mental health issues!


The advice from medical staff on our release was no visitors other than my Mum, who had had blood tests done by the hospital to confirm she has no contagious viruses, for a minimum of 3 weeks. Even if this hadn't have been the case, I needed the time to recover so would have stood my ground anyway.


If people want to see what the baby looks like, pictures are good enough. In my view, no one has a right to s[pend physical time with a baby other than it's own parents. If other relatives don't like that, tough!


In my illness-addled state when dealing with some vile rubbish from my ex-MIL, I told her if she was so desperate to cuddle a newborn baby, to go have one herself!!

pollypenny

I'm Welsh, not northern and I really don't understand this not calling in business.

There's nothing I would like more than my sister or one of my cousins just to pop in and have a coffee. I'd have loved my patents to be nearer when my two were small.

I envy those with family around them, while understanding that we can get on each other's nerves at times.

duchy

My Dad died suddenly when my son was only 8 months old. I was so grateful I'd given him lots of time with his only grandchild - we never know what is around the corner and how much time grandparents actually have.

carlislelass

I had mine at 2 different hospitals...both had OH visiting only.When GC was born, other family came first...still do 6yrs later. we are certainly second tier

Jagraf

carlislelass wrote: »

I had mine at 2 different hospitals...both had OH visiting only.When GC was born, other family came first...still do 6yrs later. we are certainly second tier

Very mean isn't it x

lulu_92

OH is from the west midlands, I'm from the east Midlands, so we are considered northern to anyone south of the m25!

I don't plan on excluding one side of the family. Like I said, I really want my mum at the hospital but because I think this would upset his mum, I don't think I can.

burnoutbabe

I suppose i see a baby shower as all about the mum, so the mums friends/family/work people go to it, same as a hen party. I can't imagine inviting my sister in law to be on mine, though I would invite my sister (and her wife) who i see often.

lulu_92

burnoutbabe wrote: »

I suppose i see a baby shower as all about the mum, so the mums friends/family/work people go to it, same as a hen party. I can't imagine inviting my sister in law to be on mine, though I would invite my sister (and her wife) who i see often.

That's how I feel about them too.

lush_walrus

duchy wrote: »

Wow
When I had my son I wouldn't have dreamed of dictating a pecking order for grandparents.
Whilst Ii was much closer to my parents than my in-laws he was a first grandchild for ALL of them and they all rocked up the first visiting time and were welcome- None of them outstayed their welcome and left after a sensible time to make sure I got to rest.

I do wonder if this current fashion of baby first and marriage (maybe) later on means that it is more common that the grandparents have met less often (if at all) so there isn't any feeling of two families united by a marriage.

I never regarded my son's paternal grandparents as "second tier" . I regarded myself and my husband as equal parents so why should grandparents not be equal too ?

I find some of the attitudes on this thread baffling to be honest - and quite unkind to fathers -if their parents are less important -then are they less important too ?

My husband totally agreed with me, he also wanted me to have space to start to recover. We were and are married so it is nothing to do with your assumption of current fashion as you do put it and it's nothing to do with second tier as you appear to quote. Both my fil and my mil spend far more time with our children than my parent do. But while in hospital the mother should be the parent who chooses if she is comfortable with visitors. If you have been in hospital after giving birth for more than a night with any form of compliction you would understand why. Frankly I do not wish my parents in law to be gorping at wee in a bag, nor hanging around while I am examined, I and my husband believed I deserved the dignity and privacy that waiting one day would allow.

Perhaps you should not judge all situations by your own, then you should find yourself less baffled.

Kaye1

Having a baby can be overwhelming, frightening and amazing. Surely, it is natural for the new Mum to want someone close to share that time- OH, Mum/Sister.

It isn't always about excluding others- it is sometimes just wanting someone who is really close to you nearby. Someone you have grown up with- someone who you trust wholeheartedly.

Of course, you should include MiL where you can- but that birth time is for you to choose.