Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

Pollycat

lulu_92 wrote: »

20 people is me, my mum, my sister and step-sister then my two aunties, and my grandma, then probably 3-4 friends. They just have a lot of kids between them :rotfl:

I guess I'm not too knowledgable on the etiquette of baby showers, as I've never been to one, so I always found them to be something the mum to be does with her side of the family (similar to a hen party, although I know some people invite in laws on these). I don't know.

OH hasn't been told there's a shower yet as he's at work so not had chance to see him. In all honesty I don't know how he will react. He'll either not be bothered or he will be annoyed.

I'm not not-inviting them to be mean, although I appreciate it comes across that way.

Will they see it that way though?

Peter333

I don't think you are meaning to be mean Lulu (if you see what I mean!)

But as I (and many others) have said. It will come across as a bit mean if you exclude them. Especially as people not even related to the child are being invited... (Your 3-4 friends...)

I would either not have this shower at all - or invite the in-laws.

Have you spoken to your boyfriend about this?

heuchera

If your mum only asked you today, then I would get back to her and say you've changed your mind. You didn't want a baby shower for a number of reasons, I think you should stick to your guns about it before ill-feeling arises about who is invited and who isn't.

Personally I would much much rather celebrate once baby has arrived.

lulu_92

ringo_24601 wrote: »

It's all a bit like wedding planning - decisions will get remembered.

You not wanting them basically announces that you publicly don't want them involved with you or your future baby. Is that what you actually want?

Totally get that. They are already very involved and I look forward to them being in my twins' lives. One of the reasons I want it to be my family is because OH's family have in a way made it be all about their family and it's almost like a competition. So part of me wants to let my family have some of the focus.

onlyroz wrote: »

However, I can see why close relatives would feel put out if they realised that they didn't even make the top 20 on the importance scale.

I see your point. I mentioned in my second post that I didn't think it was the done thing with showers to invite in laws, but I'm obviously wrong. I don't see it as an importance scale, I'm more seeing it like an opportunity to spend time with people I haven't been able to spend as much time with as I would have liked.

surveyqueenuk wrote: »

Are the two bits in bold related at all?

No, I just never saw the appeal of them to be honest. (baby showers, not in laws!)

pollypenny wrote: »

once older family are involved the two future grandmothers should be priority.

Priority over what the mum to be wishes?

tea_lover

lulu_92 wrote: »

20 people is me, my mum, my sister and step-sister then my two aunties, and my grandma, then probably 3-4 friends. They just have a lot of kids between them :rotfl:

I guess I'm not too knowledgable on the etiquette of baby showers, as I've never been to one, so I always found them to be something the mum to be does with her side of the family (similar to a hen party, although I know some people invite in laws on these). I don't know.

OH hasn't been told there's a shower yet as he's at work so not had chance to see him. In all honesty I don't know how he will react. He'll either not be bothered or he will be annoyed.

I'm not not-inviting them to be mean, although I appreciate it comes across that way.

It really does. I can appreciate that's not how you intend it but surely you can see how this would look to OH's mum? What sort of role do you envision her having when the babies are here? (you don't need to answer that - just one to think over!) If you're hoping she'll be involved and that you'll all get on it might be better to invite everyone or no one.

Hemera

Yes I think you should invite them - it's your party, yes, but it's a celebration for an event that is inevitably gonna involve both families. Isn't your baby gonna be part of your partner's family as well?
I think it's a matter of common sense really.

Guest101

lulu_92 wrote: »

I'm 26 weeks pregnant. All through my pregnancy I was adamant that I didn't want a baby shower for many reasons. My mum asked today if I wanted one because she would like to sort one for me. I said yes but on the basis that it was only my female relatives and a few close friends and we'd just be sitting drinking tea and eating cake. Including all of the children this comes to about 20 people, which already seems like a lot of people to be in my mum's house at one time, but she is okay with the number.

My mum then asked if I wanted my OH's mum and sisters there. I honestly said that I didn't want them there and that was that. There are a few reasons for this decision, but I suppose it boils down to what I'd prefer.

I spoke to a couple of friends today about this and they have said that I'm wrong for not wanting them there because the babies will be their grandchildren/nieces too. Which I totally get. But for the sake of one day is it really such an issue?

It depends ofcourse, but I'd be worried about the below:


1: Do you expect any assistance, practically, with the baby? Because you've just burnt those bridges


2: Do you want you BF in the middle of a conflict between your family and his? You've achieved that


It could be that the in-laws cant stand you and/or your family and are relieved you've not invited them.
But if they were offended, many people would understand why.

pollypenny

My DIL is American and from what I understand baby showers are something the girl's friends would do, as they'd buy smaller presents.

This is rather than family who, like many of us, would probably buy something big like the pram or cot.

Do you want to be part of the boyfriend's family or is he a passing guy? They'll be your child's family, remember .

Andypandyboy

So every close female relative to the coming baby on your side and none on his.

Unless his mother and sisters are very thick skinned I expect they will be very upset indeed if they know that. It seems to spell out very clearly that you do not like them or want them involved with your child. It puts your OH in a difficult place.

pollypenny

[QUOTE=lulu 9



Priority over what the mum to be wishes?[/QUOTE]



Over aunts and other extended family.