Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

Gavin83

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Or is it just a case of 'he/she will do to be the parent of my child' i.e the child would be more important than the partner?

I'd imagine if someone wants children enough that they're willing to end an otherwise great relationship for it then they'll be willing to compromise on their choice of partner. However, they'd obviously have to become a bit desperate first.

tamuril wrote: »

I have a friend who wasted a decade of her life on a man who told her he did not want kids. She kept thinking he would change his mind once they became more committed. They broke up and she is still single and still childless. And very bitter and resentful- although it was her fault that she stayed with him for so long.

Does she blame her (now) ex partner then?

Goldiegirl

Angry_Bear wrote: »

I can't really imagine how it feels to want children badly, never mind badly enough to give up my partner. That being said, I don't want children strongly enough that there's no way I'd agree to have them even if it was a deal-breaker for my OH.
It's such a fundamental life decision that it's very hard to compromise on so I can't imagine getting far into a relationship without knowing what each other want. But I suppose it's possible that you could agree to start with then one person could change their mind.

That's how I feel.


I can't imagine how it feels to want children, and there's no way I could have a child for the sake of my partner.


But this was fully discussed when we got married, 34 years ago. My husband feels the same way I do, that he doesn't want children.


We've been happy how our lives have turned out.


If one of us had changed our minds, I think my husband would probably have agreed to having a child if it was what I wanted. But, as I said, my desire not to have a child is so strong, it wouldn't have been something I could have done, even if it meant the end of the marriage.

WantToBeSE

I ended a relationship because i didnt want more children (i have 2, he had 1) and he wanted a baby together.

euronorris

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

If you love someone, but nevertheless leave them if they don't want children, how do you know you are ever going to love anyone again?

Or is it just a case of 'he/she will do to be the parent of my child' i.e the child would be more important than the partner?

I guess you wouldn't know that. But the likelihood of never finding love again, for most people (particularly those young enough to still have children), is pretty slim. Whether or not you'd find love quickly enough to still be able to have children is a different matter.


I don't know about your second point. No doubt for some people, it could be. For other's, it may just be a case of preferring to have the chance of finding love again and having children with that person, than never having the chance of having children at all.


It could also be a case that, whilst they recognise they've lost their chance at having children anyway, if the other partner originally said 'yes, I do want kids' and then changed their mind, they could feel 'duped' almost, and harbour a lot of resentment towards the other partner, thereby ruining the marriage anyway.


If it was a case that someone changed their mind to 'no', I think the reasons why could be very important. For example, if they found out there was a hereditary disease on their side of the family and didn't want to pass it on, or they had been diagnosed with a life altering (but not terminal) illness themselves etc, it might be easier for the other person to accept and understand that decision change. If it was just 'yes, I want them one day', to 'no, actually, I just don't want them' the next, it's probably harder to accept and I could see how they would feel like they had been lied to almost as it would be so difficult to quantify what had changed.

mumps

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

If you love someone, but nevertheless leave them if they don't want children, how do you know you are ever going to love anyone again?

Or is it just a case of 'he/she will do to be the parent of my child' i.e the child would be more important than the partner?

If you stayed with someone who was preventing you from doing something you desperately wanted to do your love might turn to hate. Personally I would rather end the relationship before we got to that stage.

To turn the desire to have a child into "he/she will do to be the parent of my child" is being very dismissive of other people's feelings.

mumps

euronorris wrote: »

I don't know about your second point. No doubt for some people, it could be. For other's, it may just be a case of preferring to have the chance of finding love again and having children with that person, than never having the chance of having children at all.


It could also be a case that, whilst they recognise they've lost their chance at having children anyway, if the other partner originally said 'yes, I do want kids' and then changed their mind, they could feel 'duped' almost, and harbour a lot of resentment towards the other partner, thereby ruining the marriage anyway.

Two good points, either of those could lead to a break up in my opinion.

seven-day-weekend

I didn't mean to be dismissive, but I can't ever imagine wanting something enough that meant I would not be able to have my husband in my life.

We would sort the situation out in one way or another. Even if one of us had to say, 'yes. I agree to a life without children', then that is what we would do.

I think if you leave of someone you love (and who loves you back)because you can't sort out a problem, then one or both of you didn't love the other one enough. If you did, you would come to an agreement.

However, I did not mean to negate anyone's feelings, so apologised if I have, these are just my feelings on the matter.

mumps

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I didn't mean to be dismissive, but I can't ever imagine wanting something enough that meant I would not be able to have my husband in my life.

We would sort the situation out in one way or another. Even if one of us had to say, 'yes. I agree to a life without children', then that is what we would do.

I think if you leave of someone you love (and who loves you back)because you can't sort out a problem, then one or both of you didn't love the other one enough. If you did, you would come to an agreement.

However, I did not mean to negate anyone's feelings, so apologised if I have, these are just my feelings on the matter.

You don't get it do you? Who are you to judge if people love each other enough? Maybe breaking up and both having a chance at what you want, a life with children or a life without, would be the most loving thing to do.

The fact that you think the only way to resolve this is for one of you to accept that you had to be childless shows how unwilling you are to consider anyone else's opinion. What about one of you saying, "I love you so much I won't deny you the thing you want so much and because of how strong our love is I know I will love our child."

You love your husband so much you couldn't be without him but you would happily deny him the chance of being a father.

I know he is a father, I am talking about in this scenario.

seven-day-weekend

mumps wrote: »

You don't get it do you? Who are you to judge if people love each other enough? Maybe breaking up and both having a chance at what you want, a life with children or a life without, would be the most loving thing to do.

The fact that you think the only way to resolve this is for one of you to accept that you had to be childless shows how unwilling you are to consider anyone else's opinion. What about one of you saying, "I love you so much I won't deny you the thing you want so much and because of how strong our love is I know I will love our child."

You love your husband so much you couldn't be without him but you would happily deny him the chance of being a father.

I know he is a father, I am talking about in this scenario.

Yes, we might come to that conclusion also, the point is we would agree together, we would arrive at a decision together. What we wouldn't do is split up over it.

We don't actually disagree over many things (in fact nothing important that I can think of) and very rarely argue, but in this scenario we would do whichever thing mattered most to the person, because we loved that person. Whether that was to have children or not, if we couldn't agree we would go with the person to whom it mattered most.

euronorris

The thing is, I don't think having, or not having, children is something either party can, or should, compromise on.


If you really don't want children, you absolutely should not have them just to make your partner happy. It's not fair on you, your partner or the resulting child and will likely breed a similar amount of anger and resentment in the person who didn't want children in the first place.


If you really do want children, I don't think it's something you can just give up on and not try for. If you have a strong desire, it's likely one you've had since you were a child. A part of your life that you always envisaged would happen. So again, giving that up because your OH doesn't want to would breed hate and resentment. Again, not fair on either party.


I'd go so far as to say that, if you disagree on such a fundamental matter, that you are simply not suited to each other, no matter how much you love each other. It's no different than any other fundamental matter in a relationship. Agreeing on such things is part of what you build your love on. The foundations of your relationship, as such.