Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

seven-day-weekend

mumps wrote: »

My aunt is 82, she never had children. We are very close, I visit her regularly, phone her a couple of times a week. Travelled 200 miles to be with her when the nursing home where my uncle was phoned me to say the end was near. I spent alot of time with her as a child, she was very much a grandmother to my children. She will still cry about the babies she never had. Time hasn't reconciled her to that and other children in her life hasn't solved that.

I think some people just don't get how strong the desire, or need, to have a child can be.

I think I am just beginning to realise that. I would rather be with my husband, childless, than without him for any amount of children, but apparently it is not like that for some, their desire for a child must be overwhelming.:(

duchy

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Yes, we might come to that conclusion also, the point is we would agree together, we would arrive at a decision together. What we wouldn't do is split up over it.

We don't actually disagree over many things (in fact nothing important that I can think of) and very rarely argue, but in this scenario we would do whichever thing mattered most to the person, because we loved that person. Whether that was to have children or not, if we couldn't agree we would go with the person to whom it mattered most.

In theory that's fine but when it comes to children rather than shall we get a new sofa or a holiday it's not the same. Having children is life-changing in a way nothing else is and requires commitment from both parents.....a reluctant or passive parent can be very damaging to a child.

"Oh well if you really want one I'll just have to give in" just doesn't cut it.

Ultimately if you give in to having a child when you genuinely don't want it yourself then at some point that resentment is going to come out whether that resentment is directed at the other parent or the child. When you have kids you gain a lot but you lose a lot too- If the child is genuinely wanted the losses are worth it- if you don't want the child or are ambivalent you are likely going to resent what you have lost.

dirty_magic

AubreyMac wrote: »

Don't you think children can be rewarding too?


Although I don't want kids, I do have nieces and nephews and I can see the joy they bring to my sisters and to me.


It's lovely smiling at a kid in a caf! and have them smile back at you. I can imagine it feels even better when your own child responds to you.


Though that isn't enough to have kids, because like you I am thinking of the constant practicalities of it which I am not prepared to take on without feeling resentful.

Yes I can see the rewarding side of it, I have nephews and small cousins too. I love them and I genuinely think it's great when they reach milestones and say the cute funny things they come out with. I don't hate children, it just isn't enough for me to want my own.

The rewards are far outweighed for me by the mundane everyday reality of bringing up a child, especially for the first few years. I like to travel and to be free to do what I want when I want to do it, and that wouldn't be possible for us with a child. I'd be so bored with the routine of childcare, and I know everyone says it's different when it's your own but I can't see it.

As someone above said, I think I'd be a little more open to the idea of it wasn't me that would have to look after it, but as my OH earns a lot more than I do it isn't an option. Plus I still think holidays would be a bit of a nightmare with a kid in tow! :rotfl:

Person_one

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I didn't mean to be dismissive, but I can't ever imagine wanting something enough that meant I would not be able to have my husband in my life.

We would sort the situation out in one way or another. Even if one of us had to say, 'yes. I agree to a life without children', then that is what we would do.

I think if you leave of someone you love (and who loves you back)because you can't sort out a problem, then one or both of you didn't love the other one enough. If you did, you would come to an agreement.

However, I did not mean to negate anyone's feelings, so apologised if I have, these are just my feelings on the matter.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't you said previously that if you had your time again you might decide not to have your child? That you would prefer that he didn't have any children himself as you don't want grandchildren?

Perhaps its hard for you to understand the incredibly strong desires some people have to become parents because its never been that strong for you?

Person_one

dirty_magic wrote: »

Yes I can see the rewarding side of it, I have nephews and small cousins too. I love them and I genuinely think it's great when they reach milestones and say the cute funny things they come out with. I don't hate children, it just isn't enough for me to want my own.

The rewards are far outweighed for me by the mundane everyday reality of bringing up a child, especially for the first few years. I like to travel and to be free to do what I want when I want to do it, and that wouldn't be possible for us with a child. I'd be so bored with the routine of childcare, and I know everyone says it's different when it's your own but I can't see it.

As someone above said, I think I'd be a little more open to the idea of it wasn't me that would have to look after it, but as my OH earns a lot more than I do it isn't an option. Plus I still think holidays would be a bit of a nightmare with a kid in tow! :rotfl:

I've also never been able to look past the grind and hard work of raising children. I think the human race needs most people to be able to delay thinking about that and focus on 'babies are lovely, I want one to cuddle and love' rather than a washing basket that doesn't empty for 20 years or we'd be extinct!

POPPYOSCAR

Person_one wrote: »

Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't you said previously that if you had your time again you might decide not to have your child? That you would prefer that he didn't have any children himself as you don't want grandchildren?

Perhaps its hard for you to understand the incredibly strong desires some people have to become parents because its never been that strong for you?

Ahh "Grandchildren- your reward for not strangling your teenagers!"

Person_one

duchy wrote: »

Having children is life-changing in a way nothing else is and requires commitment from both parents.....a reluctant or passive parent can be very damaging to a child.

"Oh well if you really want one I'll just have to give in" just doesn't cut it.

Absolutely this.

When you have a child you create a whole new person, you owe them, big time, from the day they're born. It would be terrible to knowingly go into it with ambiguous or negative feelings about the whole thing. The damage done by indifferent parenting can last generations, and the other parent being loving and dedicated is not always enough to fully compensate.

missbiggles1

Person_one wrote: »

Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't you said previously that if you had your time again you might decide not to have your child? That you would prefer that he didn't have any children himself as you don't want grandchildren?

Perhaps its hard for you to understand the incredibly strong desires some people have to become parents because its never been that strong for you?

Lots of people have incredibly strong desires for all sorts of things - it doesn't mean that they shouldn't learn to adjust if life doesn't give them their desires.

I think that adjusting to what's possible in life is a sign of good mental health.

seven-day-weekend

Person_one wrote: »

Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't you said previously that if you had your time again you might decide not to have your child? That you would prefer that he didn't have any children himself as you don't want grandchildren?

Perhaps its hard for you to understand the incredibly strong desires some people have to become parents because its never been that strong for you?

Yes and Yes.

If grandchildren come along I would love them, but it suits me if they don't.

heuchera

In fact one parent being neglectful or disinterested, and the other parent overcompensating for this, can lead to all sorts of problems. However it's important to bear in mind no-one has perfect parents or a perfect childhood, yet most of us manage!