Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

missbiggles1

duchy wrote: »

You are seriously reminding me of my ex MIL. (I checked what part of the country you are in -you're not her )

She too did the work but made it clear she'd have preferred not to and liked her son better the older he got.........whether that contributed to his shortcomings as a parent I don't know - but hopefully you hide it better than she did !!

I think it's very common (and acceptable) for men not to be particularly interested in their children when they're babies/toddlers and to enjoy them more when they get older. It seems a shame if this should be acceptable for fathers but decried in mothers.

missbiggles1

LilElvis wrote: »

That might work with some desires, with some situations. It becomes a whole lot trickier not to harbour resentment when it isn't "life" that hasn't granted their desire for a child, but the person whose face is the last thing they see each night and the first thing they see each morning.

I was talking more generally.

Alikay

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Lots of people have incredibly strong desires for all sorts of things - it doesn't mean that they shouldn't learn to adjust if life doesn't give them their desires.

I think that adjusting to what's possible in life is a sign of good mental health.

Life not giving you what you desire (through illness, infertility etc) is one thing. The person you've chosen to spend your life with choosing to deny you that thing is another....be it children, a life without children, travelling, a career you love or whatever. Of all the people in the world why choose to be with someone whose hopes and dreams are so much out of kilter with your own?

prosaver

74jax wrote: »

My hubby and I knew from the moment we met I would never have another child and he didn't want any.

We got married after 8 years and I remember clearly both discussing it again. I'm happy with DD now nearly 18, and he is happy with none of his own.

If he wanted a child, it wouldn't be with me, we'd have to split. I wouldn't deny him the right to be a dad, but I wouldn't be the one having his child.

ok ask him ..say you want a child and see what he says..
hisown child is the best thing in the world ..you had one why not him?
sly

Peter333

mumps wrote: »

My aunt is 82, she never had children. We are very close, I visit her regularly, phone her a couple of times a week. Travelled 200 miles to be with her when the nursing home where my uncle was phoned me to say the end was near. I spent alot of time with her as a child, she was very much a grandmother to my children. She will still cry about the babies she never had. Time hasn't reconciled her to that and other children in her life hasn't solved that.

I think some people just don't get how strong the desire, or need, to have a child can be.

How very sad. Did she want them and was unable? Or did her husband not want them?

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I think I am just beginning to realise that. I would rather be with my husband, childless, than without him for any amount of children, but apparently it is not like that for some, their desire for a child must be overwhelming.:(

Why would his decision over-rule yours? If you wanted them and he didn't, why should he not make the compromise, and have children to stay with you?

I just wondered, because I have heard a number of women say 'I wanted children but my husband didn't... but I would rather stay with him, and live without children, rather than not be with him...'

I never understand why his choice is more important than hers. Why does HE not compromise, and HAVE children to make sure he gets to stay with her?

POPPYOSCAR

Peter333 wrote: »

How very sad. Did she want them and was unable? Or did her husband not want them?



Why would his decision over-rule yours? If you wanted them and he didn't, why should he not make the compromise, and have children to stay with you?

I just wondered, because I have heard a number of women say 'I wanted children but my husband didn't... but I would rather stay with him, and live without children, rather than not be with him...'

I never understand why his choice is more important than hers. Why does HE not compromise, and HAVE children to make sure he gets to stay with her?

It is not a question of his choice being more important.


You should not force someone to have a child if they do not want one. We are not talking about a possession but another life and that IMO is something that is undertaken too lightly sometimes.

missbiggles1

Person_one wrote: »

Surely one way to 'adjust' could be to seek a relationship where your desire is a possibility?

It could be a very sensible way to adjust if you don't love your partner.

And if you can guarantee:

Your own fertility,
That you will meet someone else in the future
You can guarantee their fertility
That you can guarantee your fertility together

There are probably better and easier ways to adjust.

Peter333

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

It is not a question of his choice being more important.

You should not force someone to have a child if they do not want one. We are not talking about a possession but another life and that IMO is something that is undertaken too lightly sometimes.

I think you are missing the point. Or not getting what I am saying.......

Why does a woman stay with a man who doesn't want children, (when she wants them,) because she 'would rather be with him and childless, than be without him?' Why does HE not compromise to stay with her, and have children?

You say that you should not force someone to have a child.......

But he is effectively forcing her to NOT have one by saying 'we cannot be together if you insist on having a child.'

That is worse IMO. Much worse.

Depriving a woman of becoming a mother?

No. Just no.

And remember, HER fertility has a short shelf life. She could stay with him - and sacrifice her chance to be a mother - because she wants to be with him sooooo much; and then he could dump her when they're both 45. Then HE could go on to have a baby a year until he dies... Her chances would be over.

More fool her, if a woman stays with a man who refuses to have children, when she wants them.

missbiggles1

Alikay wrote: »

Life not giving you what you desire (through illness, infertility etc) is one thing. The person you've chosen to spend your life with choosing to deny you that thing is another....be it children, a life without children, travelling, a career you love or whatever. Of all the people in the world why choose to be with someone whose hopes and dreams are so much out of kilter with your own?

Well exactly - why marry someone whose aims in life are different from your own?

POPPYOSCAR

Peter333 wrote: »

I think you are missing the point. Or not getting what I am saying.......

Why does a woman stay with a man who doesn't want children, (when she wants them,) because she 'would rather be with him and childless, than be without him?' Why does HE not compromise to stay with her, and have children?

You say that you should not force someone to have a child.......

But he is effectively forcing her to NOT have one.

That is worse IMO. Much worse.

No I do not agree with you.


Better to not have a child than to force someone else to become a parent against their will.This could have all sorts of repercussions for everyone, especially the child.