Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

seven-day-weekend

I would make the choice to have my husband rather than children, if that was the choice I had to make. I care more for someone I chose to marry than someone who isn't born, or even a life, yet. I accept that others may feel differently. I appreciate that perhaps I may not have ever felt the overwhelming longing that some people seem to have.

Goldiegirl

euronorris wrote: »

Society is definitely harsh on this matter.


I've been asked repeatedly, since I was in my early 20's, when I was going to settle down and have children!! The assumption was that I MUST want those things. No other option was possible for me as a woman apparently. The same question was not asked of my male friends.

I don't have children, by choice.

I used to find that my husbands more busybody old aunts used to make a thing of it, and I always got the impression they didn't approve of the fact that my husband and I hadn't reproduced by the age of about 30. I never responded to their remarks, and after about the age of 30 the remarks died down. I imagine the feeling was there there was something wrong and it wasn't to be discussed anymore.

Even today, if making small talk with older people (I mean in their 70's and older) and they find out I don't have children, I can see it makes them feel awkward. But anybody of my own generation and younger doesn't seem concerned at all.

Maybe, just maybe, society is learning that women don't need children to fulfill their lives

Pollycat

Goldiegirl wrote: »

I don't have children, by choice.

I used to find that my husbands more busybody old aunts used to make a thing of it, and I always got the impression they didn't approve of the fact that my husband and I hadn't reproduced by the age of about 30. I never responded to their remarks, and after about the age of 30 the remarks died down. I imagine the feeling was there there was something wrong and it wasn't to be discussed anymore.

Even today, if making small talk with older people (I mean in their 70's and older) and they find out I don't have children, I can see it makes them feel awkward. But anybody of my own generation and younger doesn't seem concerned at all.

Maybe, just maybe, society is learning that women don't need children to fulfill their lives

We find that on holiday in certain countries if people ask you if you have children/granchildren and we say 'no' they always look sad and seem embarrassed as though it's the worst thing in the world - and in their society, it probably is.

FBaby

I care more for someone I chose to marry than someone who isn't born, or even a life, yet.

I think it is aslo not just about caring/loving, but also about your role and place in life, ie. being a wife/husband vs being a parent. As far as I can recall, I imagined myself as a mum later in life rather than a wife (or serious committed relationship). Nowadays, I think that life has been massively fortunate that I get to enjoy the fulfillment that comes with both.

Person_one

Pollycat wrote: »

Do you really think that is the case?

From what I read, hear & see many women are choosing not to have children and I don't see society frowning on them.

Also, I made the choice not to have children many years ago - in the early 1970s when it was most definitey not the norm - and apart from the odd person who asked 'when are you going to start a family?' I did not feel that society frowned on me - even then.

In some ways, I actually think we've slipped back a bit on that front. With the rise of the 'career parent' and so much competitive, ostentatious parenting thanks to social media, motherhood is viewed in a weird way these days and there's a surprising amount of pressure on young women to reproduce. People regularly ask me if I have children and when you say no they just sort of look at you expectantly waiting for you to explain yourself!

surveyqueenuk

Person_one wrote: »

People regularly ask me if I have children and when you say no they just sort of look at you expectantly waiting for you to explain yourself!

Yes they do don't they! What's even worse is those who say "How come?" when you say you are childfree. How rude! I'm CF by choice so I can't imagine how upsetting questions like this must be for TTC ladies.

Pollycat

Person_one wrote: »

In some ways, I actually think we've slipped back a bit on that front. With the rise of the 'career parent' and so much competitive, ostentatious parenting thanks to social media, motherhood is viewed in a weird way these days and there's a surprising amount of pressure on young women to reproduce. People regularly ask me if I have children and when you say no they just sort of look at you expectantly waiting for you to explain yourself!

That's one advantage of being older - people don't ask that question any more.
Although, TBH, I didn't find many people did ask me that anyway - back in the day.

tea_lover

As well as the direct questions it's also the way society as a whole views anyone who doesn't fit into the "hardworking families" box.

Portia82

Yes, I would, and did. I had always wanted children, and my partner knew this. It should have been a red flag that he was vague about when, but I was in love so I ignored it. I did get pregnant and miscarried, and although he was supportive, I suspect his main feeling was of relief.

When I turned 30, I brought up the subject for serious discussion, and he was very non-committal. It made me lose respect for him. The final straw was when a close friend of his announced that he and his girlfriend were expecting, and instead of being pleased for them, he moaned about how it would impact on their friendship in a negative manner. The scales really fell from my eyes, and I began to see him as immature and selfish, and made the decision to leave. He was devastated, and tried to win me back, but the trust was gone. I met someone else a few months later and have now been married for years with a daughter. I couldn't be happier.

I would rather he had been honest with me from the start than be vague and non committal - I feel like he said what he thought I wanted to hear rather than what he really felt, and that is cruel.

Person_one

tea_lover wrote: »

As well as the direct questions it's also the way society as a whole views anyone who doesn't fit into the "hardworking families" box.

Yes, even though I work long hours, unsociable shifts, volunteer, provide free babysitting and general help as needed for friends and family including elderly relatives and neighbours, care for my animals, manage my house/finances etc. alone, to some parents because I am single and have no children I am in fact free as a bird, with tons of disposable income, no ties and no responsibilities. If only!

Of course, that's not everybody plenty of people are completely unfazed by the idea of a 30 something woman who prefers to live alone, I do think they're a minority though, most people see it as either weirdly eccentric or a bit pathetic.