Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

missbiggles1

euronorris wrote: »

The opposite of this:


'You're not seriously suggesting that people who do want kids, shouldn't have them on the off chance they might be happy without them after all?'


I mean, instead it might make them deeply unhappy and hurt them so badly that they just can't get over it. But hey, it's OK, they should just swallow their feelings and be happy because they are in love. They should just take that chance and risk it.


Being in love with someone does not trump things that make you deeply unhappy! That's why these things are so important to discuss and agree on BEFORE you get married (on that part at least, I know we can all agree).


Small things you can overcome, sure. But giving up the chance to have children is not a small thing!

If by being in love you mean the fluffy bunny/start of a relationship feeling then I'd agree. If you mean the sort of love that grows and matures over a period of time, then I wouldn't.

missbiggles1

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Oh for goodness sake! Is that the best you can do?! Drag up several women who didn't care about their children! Good grief!

And as for my opinion being one of the most blinkered and irresponsible views ever; whatever! That is YOUR OPINION, and YOUR OPINION only.

Basically, you think it's fine for someone to sacrifice their desire to have a child for someone they love, who DOESN'T want them, but not fine for someone to sacrifice their desire to NOT have a child for someone they love! Double standards through and through.

Why is OK to sacrifice having children, but wrong to sacrifice NOT having children?

Thankfully the people I have quoted below can see sense, and can see what I am saying is perfectly OK, (as well as the posters I quoted earlier...)

Well, you would be sacrificing the certainty of the feelings in your relationship for a possibilty of having children, for a start. It doesn't work the same the other way round.

missbiggles1

Alikay wrote: »

Or put another way in this "he wants kids, I don't" scenario, YOU might have loved the idea of remaining childless more than you loved HIM

But, in that scenario, I would never have said something so heartless to the man that I loved.

Alikay

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Well, you would be sacrificing the certainty of the feelings in your relationship for a possibilty of having children, for a start. It doesn't work the same the other way round.

Any certainty of my feelings would possibly be affected by DH taking a stance that he knew would make me very unhappy. If we decided to stay together and take his route, it is quite likely my feelings towards him would change. If we stayed together and followed my wishes, his could change.

This is all completely hypothetical btw, I would never, never marry someone whose life plans were the polar opposite to mine. I think I chatted about children and other important stuff with every mid-to-long-term boyfriend I had...isn't that what courtship is about - getting to know each other and whether or not you're compatible?

catkins

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Basically, you think it's fine for someone to sacrifice their desire to have a child for someone they love, who DOESN'T want them, but not fine for someone to sacrifice their desire to NOT have a child for someone they love! Double standards through and through.

Why is OK to sacrifice having children, but wrong to sacrifice NOT having children?

It's certainly not double standards to me. If one person in a relationship is adamant they do not want children then it is not a good idea to have them anyway.


There is absolutely no guarantee that the person who didn't want them will be happy with them, love them etc. Enough people that supposedly did want children don't look after them, love them etc.


If someone wants a child and their husband/wife doesn't and they stupidly didn't talk about it before they married then really the person who wants a child has to decide what is more important - the love they have for their wife/husband and the love the wife/husband has for them or a child.


If you opt for a child what happens when that child grows up and leaves home or maybe moves miles away or abroad? What happens if they fall out with you? You gave up a loving marriage to end up alone.

mumps

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Lots of people have incredibly strong desires for all sorts of things - it doesn't mean that they shouldn't learn to adjust if life doesn't give them their desires.

I think that adjusting to what's possible in life is a sign of good mental health.

But for her it is probably possible with another man. We can never be sure even if people have one child that they will be able to have another.
I know two women who have ended up resentful of men who wouldn't have children, I think it would have been a better outcome if they had gone their separate ways and the women might have had children and the men concerned could have had a happy relationship with someone else.

mumps

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Well exactly - why marry someone whose aims in life are different from your own?

I had a look at some old interviews and after they married Gary Lineker said they hadn't decided if they would have a family or not. He said sometimes it seemed like a good idea and sometimes not. So I think it seems neither of them have changed their minds, just made up their minds and decided something different. Of course that is if not having children is the reason for them splitting up, I think friends have said that not the couple themselves.

mumps

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Having a child and bringing up children is hard enough when both parents wanted them.


There have been threads on here about how the baby has taken over their lives and the man often feels neglected etc.


The stresses on a couple and possibly the child when one does not want to be a parent could be enormous. and could result in the breakdown of the relationship and or it being taken out on the child.


And to ask a woman to carry a child for 9 months and give birth against her will is not on either, to say nothing of all the responsibility that follows.

I used to work with a woman who was persuaded to have a baby by her husband who desperately wanted one. She really wasn't keen. She had twins. One night she put them to bed while he was out and left them with a baby sitter, she didn't see them again till they were about 20 I think. The funny thing was she became incredibly possessive and a few weeks after meeting them was really angry because they spent Christmas with their father and his second wife who had brought them up from about 3 years old. She was most indignant and kept saying, "But I am their mother." Ultimately she didn't form a good relationship with them. I changed jobs and don't know if she ever resolved the situation. It was sad for everyone concerned, she couldn't understand their reaction to her.

dirty_magic

Do you really think that is the case?

From what I read, hear & see many women are choosing not to have children and I don't see society frowning on them.

Also, I made the choice not to have children many years ago - in the early 1970s when it was most definitey not the norm - and apart from the odd person who asked 'when are you going to start a family?' I did not feel that society frowned on me - even then.

I don't think it's 'frowned' upon, but I do think a lot of people really don't understand it. I think it's definitely becoming more common to not have children through choice, but there's a long way to go.

I do get fed up of explaining myself and people feeling like they need to 'persuade' me to have kids. All I ever seem to hear is parents complaining about their sleepless nights/lack of social life/inability to eat a meal uninterrupted/lack of relaxing holidays etc and yet they still try to tell me I should have them. If I point out that they complain all the time they just say ' Oh but it's worth it'. I just don't think it is to be honest!

Also just want to point out to everyone saying you should discuss it before you commit; it's not always that simple. People change their minds. My friend always used to say she wanted children, but she's changed her mind and her OH is undecided.

I think when people get together young they sometimes like the idea of children for the cute cuddly side of it, and then when they see friends and siblings having children their eyes are opened to the reality of it.

I know a lot of people the same age as me who say they definitely want children at some point but not yet. They're all waiting for their minds to suddenly change!

mumps

It isn't just people who don't have children who get personal comments. I got plenty of them when I was pregnant at 17. My GP even suggested I get an abortion even though I was married, my husband had a secure job and we had a nice home. I also got plenty of comments when I was pregnant at 38. One doctor said to me, "One family when you were too young and now another when you are too old." I asked him what precise age he thought it would have been OK for me to get pregnant.

My mother got pregnant a few weeks after my sister was born. She said she contemplated suicide as the idea of another baby was so horrific. We had a great relationship and were very close. When she got old she would say how fortunate that she had me as she was closer to me than my siblings who were planned. You never know how life will work out.

The thing that I think is distasteful about alot of comments on here is that people who don't understand why people would breakup over this issue seem to think they love more than people who want children. How do you measure your own love let alone someone else's, particularly when you have never even met the couple concerned (I am assuming that most people on here have never met the Linekers.)