Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

surveyqueenuk

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Basically, you think it's fine for someone to sacrifice their desire to have a child for someone they love, who DOESN'T want them, but not fine for someone to sacrifice their desire to NOT have a child for someone they love! Double standards through and through.

Why is OK to sacrifice having children, but wrong to sacrifice NOT having children?

Thankfully the people I have quoted below can see sense, and can see what I am saying is perfectly OK, (as well as the posters I quoted earlier...)

Do excuse me, where on earth did I say that it is wrong to sacrifice NOT having children? If you want them and your partner doesn't then the only feasible solution is to split up. Then the CF partner can stay CF whilst the one who wants kids is free to find a partner who is truly right for them. After all, if you want kids and your partner doesn't (and vice versa), then they can't be the right person for you can they?

If someone wants to "have a child for the person they love", yet that person does not want a child then surely you should end the relationship and find someone else to have a child "for". Someone who does want one. Someone who will not deny you the chance to become a parent and someone who you do not have to force parenting onto.

And, btw, when someone is making a wild assumption that everyone who has kids will love them then I think it's perfectly relevant to mention people who had kids and didn't love them.

mumps

dirty_magic wrote: »

I don't think it's 'frowned' upon, but I do think a lot of people really don't understand it. I think it's definitely becoming more common to not have children through choice, but there's a long way to go.

I do get fed up of explaining myself and people feeling like they need to 'persuade' me to have kids. All I ever seem to hear is parents complaining about their sleepless nights/lack of social life/inability to eat a meal uninterrupted/lack of relaxing holidays etc and yet they still try to tell me I should have them. If I point out that they complain all the time they just say ' Oh but it's worth it'. I just don't think it is to be honest!

Also just want to point out to everyone saying you should discuss it before you commit; it's not always that simple. People change their minds. My friend always used to say she wanted children, but she's changed her mind and her OH is undecided.

I think when people get together young they sometimes like the idea of children for the cute cuddly side of it, and then when they see friends and siblings having children their eyes are opened to the reality of it.

I know a lot of people the same age as me who say they definitely want children at some point but not yet. They're all waiting for their minds to suddenly change!

The highlighted bit made me laugh, parents aren't great at PR.

Biffster

I couldn't have children (had tubal tie lots of years ago) and am past the age I could really have any. We were together 6 years, he had one son of his own. He decided he wanted more, and left me. After 6 years. I was devastated, still am.

missbiggles1

Alikay wrote: »

Any certainty of my feelings would possibly be affected by DH taking a stance that he knew would make me very unhappy. If we decided to stay together and take his route, it is quite likely my feelings towards him would change. If we stayed together and followed my wishes, his could change.

This is all completely hypothetical btw, I would never, never marry someone whose life plans were the polar opposite to mine. I think I chatted about children and other important stuff with every mid-to-long-term boyfriend I had...isn't that what courtship is about - getting to know each other and whether or not you're compatible?

Theoretical for me too - it makes you wonder what people do talk about before getting hitched if they don't know even the basic stuff about the other person.

dirty_magic

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Theoretical for me too - it makes you wonder what people do talk about before getting hitched if they don't know even the basic stuff about the other person.

I think most people do talk about it, even if you didn't plan to discuss major life events it would come up in passing. At every wedding or family event you go to together after the 6 month mark you get asked when you're going to get married and have 2.4 children so surely you'd have some idea!

It's not black and white, people change their minds or are just undecided! Not everyone even knows themselves if they want children.

missbiggles1

mumps wrote: »

But for her it is probably possible with another man. We can never be sure even if people have one child that they will be able to have another.
I know two women who have ended up resentful of men who wouldn't have children, I think it would have been a better outcome if they had gone their separate ways and the women might have had children and the men concerned could have had a happy relationship with someone else.

Given that she's already 36 and, presumably, only just started dating again, I think that's an enormous jump.

It isn't that easy to find another partner when you're approaching middle age (even if you're a model!) and many of the men she'll meet may well be in the same situation as GL or won't want children.

I think it's likely that there are other reasons for the break up.

duchy

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Given that she's already 36 and, presumably, only just started dating again, I think that's an enormous jump.

It isn't that easy to find another partner when you're approaching middle age (even if you're a model!) and many of the men she'll meet may well be in the same situation as GL or won't want children.

I think it's likely that there are other reasons for the break up.

Middle aged ?
She's thirty six
Plenty of women have children in their forties now
Even if she spent a year finding the right man and waited another year before getting pregnant she'd only be thirty eight.

As for not finding a partner - Most of the women I know in their thirties, forties and even fifties have no trouble finding men to date and eventual partners. The days of been on the shelf if not married off by 25 are long, long gone. It's more the men wanting to settle down and the women wanting to be choosy in that age group I observe. Especially when the women are financially comfortable ( as no doubt Mrs Linekar will be)

GL always struck me as a bit all about him ........and his son pops up as a complete brat on social media . So yes could be other reasons too.

missbiggles1

duchy wrote: »

Middle aged ?
She's thirty six
Plenty of women have children in their forties now
Even if she spent a year finding the right man and waited another year before getting pregnant she'd only be thirty eight.

As for not finding a partner - Most of the women I know in their thirties, forties and even fifties have no trouble finding men to date and eventual partners. The days of been on the shelf if not married off by 25 are long, long gone. It's more the men wanting to settle down and the women wanting to be choosy in that age group I observe. Especially when the women are financially comfortable ( as no doubt Mrs Linekar will be)

GL always struck me as a bit all about him ........and his son pops up as a complete brat on social media . So yes could be other reasons too.

At 36 you're certainly approaching middle age and I think the idea that it's easy to find a life partner (not just a man) within a year is pretty optimistic.

I obviously don't know the woman but I would hope that she has more sense than to have a baby with someone she would've known for less than 18 months, but, these days, who knows!

mumps

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Given that she's already 36 and, presumably, only just started dating again, I think that's an enormous jump.

It isn't that easy to find another partner when you're approaching middle age (even if you're a model!) and many of the men she'll meet may well be in the same situation as GL or won't want children.

I think it's likely that there are other reasons for the break up.

Well she is very attractive and has lots of money so I imagine it won't be that hard for her to find someone but I think that is beside the point. She might never have another child and I am sure she will cope with that the thing that some people can't cope with is the person they love having such a different life plan that doesn't seem flexible enough to include what they want. Lets face it having another baby isn't going to cause him alot of trouble, he has enough money so they aren't going to be worrying about paying for the pram or finding room in their one roomed flat. They can afford childcare so can still have a social life. She probably feels there isn't any big reason why they couldn't have a child, of course that all depends on whether that is the reason they split up.

36 isn't that great an age, I got pregnant at 38 and went to NCT classes, they had enough to run two classes and I was in the oldies group. I was surprised to find I was the youngest but one, two women were in their mid 40s. Of course that doesn't work for everyone but not unreasonable for her to think its a possibility.

POPPYOSCAR

mumps wrote: »

Well she is very attractive and has lots of money so I imagine it won't be that hard for her to find someone but I think that is beside the point. She might never have another child and I am sure she will cope with that the thing that some people can't cope with is the person they love having such a different life plan that doesn't seem flexible enough to include what they want. Lets face it having another baby isn't going to cause him alot of trouble, he has enough money so they aren't going to be worrying about paying for the pram or finding room in their one roomed flat. They can afford childcare so can still have a social life. She probably feels there isn't any big reason why they couldn't have a child, of course that all depends on whether that is the reason they split up.

36 isn't that great an age, I got pregnant at 38 and went to NCT classes, they had enough to run two classes and I was in the oldies group. I was surprised to find I was the youngest but one, two women were in their mid 40s. Of course that doesn't work for everyone but not unreasonable for her to think its a possibility.

But having a baby is not about affording child care or where you live, it is about parenting and all that entails.


Perhaps he feels being a parent to the children he already has takes up more than enough of his time.