Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

duchy

Person_one wrote: »

Maybe she'll adopt as a single woman, or use donor sperm, if being a mother is more important to her than having a life partner.

Or maybe she'll find a lovely partner/husband who wants a child too and she will live happily ever after......... at least by leaving him she is giving herself a chance of another child whereas with Gary she had no hope. Lack of hope is probably what kills more marriages than anything else in one way or another

seven-day-weekend

mumps wrote: »

From what I have read they have been split up for a year already, maybe she has already met someone? I knew I wanted to marry my husband and have children within weeks of meeting him. My mum and dad were married and expecting their first baby less than a year after they met and had a very happy marriage although he did die young so they only had 15 years together.

My MIL and FIL were even faster, they met when he was on leave during WWII, had a few dates when he had weekend leave and married just before D Day. They didn't see each other again till 1946 when she managed to get passage on a ship to North America to be reunited with him. She never had a doubt despite him being Catholic and her needing to take instruction before the wedding and him being black and her being white and one of them having to leave family and friends to move to a different continent. Sometimes love conquers all.

Exactly. And sometimes it conquers differences of opinion on whether to have a child, even if there are strong feelings on one or both sides. Because you don't want to argue about it. You don't want to fall out about it. And you certainly don't want to split up because of it. So you find a Plan B.

Nothing is more important to myself and my husband than that we love each other and are best friends. If that bit is OK, we can work the other bits out.

(What a lovely story, btw ).

Pollycat

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Finally, I agree that society gives women a hard time if they don't have children over the age of 30. Pollycat has been very fortunate if she was never hounded for having no children. As someone said earlier; MEN don't get this treatment.

Maybe I made my own good fortune.
It's many years ago but I do recall that I wasn't reticent about making my feelings known in my workplace - a workplace where there were a lot of young women of a similar age to me starting families.
So maybe I didn't get 'hounded' because I was clear about my life choices and never wavered.

I also didn't get any negative treatment because I was a woman of child-bearing age.
But the employer I worked for - a very large national company - had a policy of equality for men and women in both pay and opportunities, probably quite rare in the early 1970s.

catkins wrote: »

I find they now ask if I have grandchildren.

Well, you just can't win. :rotfl:
I've never - in this country - been asked if I have grandchildren.
Maybe it's because I don't meet a lot of new people because of course all the people who know you will know you don't have grandchildren as you don't have any children.

catkins

Pollycat wrote: »

Well, you just can't win. :rotfl:
I've never - in this country - been asked if I have grandchildren.
Maybe it's because I don't meet a lot of new people because of course all the people who know you will know you don't have grandchildren as you don't have any children.

I often talk to new people - on the bus, walking my dog - I'm the sort of person who talks to just about anyone!


I also recently tried joining a couple of clubs in order to make new friends. At both of them it was almost all women, mainly older than me. Several of them tried starting a conversation with "So how many grandchildren do you have" or similar and when I said none as I do not have children they all looked a bit surprised and didn't want to seem to carry on talking. I stopped going in the end because I just did not seem to have anything in common with them. They talked a lot about their children and grandchildren and seemed to have no real other topics of conversation

Hermia

Pollycat wrote: »

Maybe I made my own good fortune.
It's many years ago but I do recall that I wasn't reticent about making my feelings known in my workplace - a workplace where there were a lot of young women of a similar age to me starting families.
So maybe I didn't get 'hounded' because I was clear about my life choices and never wavered.

I think you have been lucky! I have always been clear about my choices and have always expressed them in a non-defensive and non-judgmental way and still got criticism. I was temping once and on my first day I was asked if I wanted kids. I said no and every woman in the office started having a go at me! They did not know me so for all they knew I could carry some horrendous genetic illness or have some other serious reason for not wanting kids!

catkins - I have experienced the lack of conversation problem too. I have been in group situations where kids have been the only topic of conversation. I have been asked if I am married and have kids. When I have said no to both those things there has been silence! My attempts to introduce other topics did not go down well. I really envy men as the stuff they talk about seems a lot more fun!

mrsammyp

I know a couple who were both strongly against having a child and had been together/married for years.

A small time ago she fell pregnant by accident and they decided to keep it, now they couldn't imagine life without her and wonder why they were so against it.

Pollycat

Hermia wrote: »

I think you have been lucky! I have always been clear about my choices and have always expressed them in a non-defensive and non-judgmental way and still got criticism. I was temping once and on my first day I was asked if I wanted kids. I said no and every woman in the office started having a go at me! They did not know me so for all they knew I could carry some horrendous genetic illness or have some other serious reason for not wanting kids!

What a nasty bunch of women they sound! :eek:

I guess I've been lucky to work with people who are more pleasant, less judgemental and less likely to stereotype others.

fierystormcloud

Pollycat wrote: »

Maybe I made my own good fortune.
It's many years ago but I do recall that I wasn't reticent about making my feelings known in my workplace - a workplace where there were a lot of young women of a similar age to me starting families.
So maybe I didn't get 'hounded' because I was clear about my life choices and never wavered.

I also didn't get any negative treatment because I was a woman of child-bearing age.
I've never - in this country - been asked if I have grandchildren.
Maybe it's because I don't meet a lot of new people because of course all the people who know you will know you don't have grandchildren as you don't have any children.

Maybe you just look REALLY young!

Seriously, I wasn't having a go at you. I was just saying that you are very lucky/fortunate if you have never been bothered/hounded/shunned/looked down on by people for being child free. I am, and I get attacked almost on a weekly basis now. Especially seeing as how my biological clock is banging away like a drum! :cool:

I wish people would just learn to mind their beeswax! :mad:

I do actually want a child, sometime, soon, but maybe in a year or so. I only want one child too. I expect people will start asking 'when are you having another one?!' as soon as I have one!

Hermia wrote: »

I think you have been lucky! I have always been clear about my choices and have always expressed them in a non-defensive and non-judgmental way and still got criticism. I was temping once and on my first day I was asked if I wanted kids. I said no and every woman in the office started having a go at me! They did not know me so for all they knew I could carry some horrendous genetic illness or have some other serious reason for not wanting kids!

catkins - I have experienced the lack of conversation problem too. I have been in group situations where kids have been the only topic of conversation. I have been asked if I am married and have kids. When I have said no to both those things there has been silence! My attempts to introduce other topics did not go down well. I really envy men as the stuff they talk about seems a lot more fun!

Blimey, what a bunch of nasty mares in your old temp job. And also, what you say in your second paragraph sounds familiar too. Sadly, all that you have said is indicative of what many child free women have to tolerate.

mrsammyp wrote: »

I know a couple who were both strongly against having a child and had been together/married for years.

A small time ago she fell pregnant by accident and they decided to keep it, now they couldn't imagine life without her and wonder why they were so against it.

What a lovely story.

I don't know anyone who regrets having children. Many child free people seem to know LOADS of people who 'confide in them' that they regret it, but nobody has ever said anything to me. (And I am child free.) Sometimes, I do wonder if *some* child free people try and convince themselves that people with children secretly hate it.

Pollycat

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Maybe you just look REALLY young!

:rotfl: Yeah, right.

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Seriously, I wasn't having a go at you. I was just saying that you are very lucky/fortunate if you have never been bothered/hounded/shunned/looked down on by people for being child free. I am, and I get attacked almost on a weekly basis now. Especially seeing as how my biological clock is banging away like a drum! :cool:

I wish people would just learn to mind their beeswax! :mad:

I think this is really dreadful!

What rude people they must be.

dirty_magic

Hermia wrote: »

catkins - I have experienced the lack of conversation problem too. I have been in group situations where kids have been the only topic of conversation. I have been asked if I am married and have kids. When I have said no to both those things there has been silence! My attempts to introduce other topics did not go down well. I really envy men as the stuff they talk about seems a lot more fun!

Make friends with men instead! :beer:

I don't know anyone who regrets having children. Many child free people seem to know LOADS of people who 'confide in them' that they regret it, but nobody has ever said anything to me. (And I am child free.) Sometimes, I do wonder if *some* child free people try and convince themselves that people with children secretly hate it.

That's just because obviously if you have one you get used to having the child around and people do generally love their children. Plus social norms mean it's not really acceptable to go around telling everyone you wish you'd never had children! I've never heard anyone say outright 'I wish I'd never had kids', but one of OHs colleagues openly admits she never wanted children and although she had one by accident and she obviously loves her child she would never have chosen it and would never have another. I'm sure lots of parents, even if they love their kids, do sometimes miss their lives as they were before.

It's not about regretting having them anyway, it's about not regretting not having them. Many people who didn't want children who had them unplanned would probably have been just as happy without them. You don't miss what you've never had and never wanted!