Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

surveyqueenuk

My thoughts in red...

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Playing Devil's Advocate. Maybe if anyone ever HAS said to child free people that they're lucky not to have kids, and they wish they hadn't had them; blah blah blah, maybe they're saying it to make the child free person feel better because they feel bad for them having no children.

So they aren't telling the truth then, it's just a lie based on your perception that the childfree are to be pitied?

Maybe a few people with children DO regret having them, but I have never ever ever heard anyone say it to me. (I am child free.)

I would imagine that one would be far more likely to regret NOT having them, than actually having them. Even if soooooo many people tell YOU that they regret having them.

This is probably true. Most people don't regret having kids. But some people do. Yes, it's probably a small minority but regardless, these people do exist. Just Google "I regret having kids" and you'll find many confessions.

I find it quite incredible how child free by choice people, and people who don't much like children, seem to know so many parents who tell them that they wish they had never had children. I am struggling to believe this. I mean WHY would so many people admit it, even if they DID feel like this? Especially to a child free by choice person.

Maybe because they feel that a CF person won't judge them for speaking honestly. After all, you might not want to have a frank discussion about your feelings with someone who is all-consumed with baby fever. You might not want to bring them down or you might need to be given more constructive advice than "but it's sooo worth it".

As I said, I am child free - although I intend to have a baby soon, and no-one ever says it to me ... (and no-one knows I am planning one, or that I even want one...)

Not even your partner?

You seem to be mad keen to convince everyone Catkins, that sooooo many parents have told you they wish they hadn't had children. Why?

You seem equally mad keen to convince everyone that NOBODY regrets children. Why? Why is the fact that a small number of people regret having kids so hard for you to accept? It's not a judgement of your own hopes and desires after all.

I am incredibly flattered by the way, that you have such an amazing recollection of previous threads of mine.

duchy

I think it is based on life experience

When I was child free I knew people who had children who found them hard work and said things like " I wish we'd waited to have children until we'd bought a house/, travelled a bit / had got more established in our careers. That however didn't mean they wished they hadn't had their children - just that with hindsight they have done things a bit differently (and who -with hindsight doesn't think that about some aspect of their life).
I never had anyone say to me they wished they'd never had their children - Not one single person.

Once I had a child - I'd hear the same thing.......

I do think some people who are childless are quite defensive and quite rude.
"I'd never want children - they are revolting"
"I don't need children to keep me in my old age as I've made provision for myself"

Both are comments I've heard - and whether the sentiments of either statement are true - in my opinion it's blooming rude to denigrate someone else's life choices. I actually don't give a stuff if someone is childless or has children (although as a tax payer I'd prefer them to have a moderate number unless they are lottery winners or have a private income ). I'm far more interested if they are nice and interesting people rather than how many place settings are needed for dinner.

coolcait

Pollycat wrote: »

Well, yes, me too.
I catch buses almost every day - sometimes as many as 6 different buses in 1day.
And I chat go people in the supermarket queue and the people on the till.
But nobody has ever asked me if I've got grandchildren.

Re BiB, I wonder if that's because casual social conversations do have a certain unspoken order?

It's a bit like one of those games where you have a certain number of cards, with questions or statements on them, and you have to play them in a certain way.

The 'weather' cards can be played in any order, as long as they bear a resemblance to actual local weather events.

'Family' cards need to be played in a certain order. The 'Do you have children?' card has to be played first.

The 'Do you have grandchildren?' card is very rare.

Most casual conversationalists will play the "Do you have children?" card, then wait until the other person plays the "Actually, I've got x grandchildren" card before taking that line of chat any further.

The "No way! You're far too young to have grandchildren!!!" card is the classic riposte at that point.

Pollycat

duchy wrote: »

I do think some people who are childless are quite defensive and quite rude.
"I'd never want children - they are revolting"
"I don't need children to keep me in my old age as I've made provision for myself"

Both are comments I've heard - and whether the sentiments of either statement are true - in my opinion it's blooming rude to denigrate someone else's life choices.

Not only that, I think it's incredibly rude to think that the only reason for having children is to look after you in your old age.

My great aunt did say something similar to me when she'd heard that I didn't want children - this was probably around 1969 - but my reply was that her children could decide to emigrate and therefore wouldn't be around to look after her.

As for this;
"I'd never want children - they are revolting"
I'd never say that, I like children (the well behaved, interesting ones, that is) and have had a lot of joy from my niece & nephew and often chat to kids in the pub (I know :rotfl:).
Lots of people have said I'd have been great as a Mum but I like being able to hand them back when I've had enough.
But - I don't 'do' babies.
When my sister had her first, I peered into the cot, said 'Lovely. Bring her over to see me when she can walk and talk'.
And I wasn't entirely joking.:eek:

dirty_magic

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Playing Devil's Advocate. Maybe if anyone ever HAS said to child free people that they're lucky not to have kids, and they wish they hadn't had them; blah blah blah, maybe they're saying it to make the child free person feel better because they feel bad for them having no children.

I find it quite incredible how child free by choice people, and people who don't much like children, seem to know so many parents who tell them that they wish they had never had children. I am struggling to believe this. I mean WHY would so many people admit it, even if they DID feel like this? Especially to a child free by choice person.

Nobody needs to feel bad for me, I could just as easily feel bad for them when they tell me about all their child related problems!

I think it makes much more sense to tell someone child free by choice that you regret having children than someone who has kids. They're less likely to judge. Look at the reactions some child free people have had from people with kids when they say they don't want them. Imagine their reactions if someone with kids said they regret it to them! You're far more likely to confess to something that's generally not acceptable to say to someone who's likely to understand why you feel that way.

My great aunt did say something similar to me when she'd heard that I didn't want children - this was probably around 1969 - but my reply was that her children could decide to emigrate and therefore wouldn't be around to look after her.

Someone once said to me that I'll end up sad and lonely and die alone with no one to look after me if I didn't have children. I pointed out that his son won't be looking after him either since he emigrated to the other side of the world. He just said yes but he's there to talk to! Just as long as you don't need someone to talk to during daytime hours when he's fast asleep!

FBaby

I too feel that many childfree people can get very defensive and take it as a personal attack when people ask them why. The reality is that it is a natural curious instinct to ask anyone why they are not doing something that is considered the norm. It's nothing to do with having children or not, it is just understanding why someone feels differently to the majority of people.

I don't drink alcohol at all. I can't count the number of times people make comments on this the moment I tell them. It usually results in a 'really, how odd, why not, is it a health matter? Have you had a bad experience? Do you really not enjoy a glass of wine at the end of the day to relax...' I have no issue whatsoever explaining that I just really don't like the taste of it. I understand that people are curious because it is not common for people (at least in this country!) to be teetotaler.

Well I can assure you that plenty of mums and dads have told me that, if they could go back in time, they would not have children and I am NOT making it up.

Having regrets about something and wishing you done things differently doesn't mean you can't enjoy and make the best of what you have though. I really wish I'd gone for a different career, and if I could, I would turn back time and take a different path study and career wise. That doesn't mean I am unhappy with my current job though and can't make the best of it. After all, I could have made even worse choices and be in a much worse job than I am and be much more miserable.

So yes, I can imagine saying that you would do things differently with children, but it could be maybe having less, or having them at an older age, or having them with a different man, or having them when able to be a SAHM etc... rather than just saying they wished they had stay child free. Or even then, it could be something said after a very bad day which would be retracted just a few hours later after a lovely cuddle with your child telling you how much they love you.

dirty_magic

I too feel that many childfree people can get very defensive and take it as a personal attack when people ask them why. The reality is that it is a natural curious instinct to ask anyone why they are not doing something that is considered the norm. It's nothing to do with having children or not, it is just understanding why someone feels differently to the majority of people.

I have no problem with people asking if they accept what I say and move on to another topic, but hardly anyone ever does. It ends up starting a big discussion where they feel they need to persuade you to have them. It's natural to feel defensive when someone is trying to tell you that you're making the wrong decision.

If I do change my mind at 30 like everyone keeps saying I will they can all turn round and say I told you so, but it's be nice if they could just leave me alone to make my own decisions.

duchy

dirty_magic wrote: »

I have no problem with people asking if they accept what I say and move on to another topic, but hardly anyone ever does. It ends up starting a big discussion where they feel they need to persuade you to have them. It's natural to feel defensive when someone is trying to tell you that you're making the wrong decision.
.

Who on earth are you talking to that this turns into "Big discussions"

You must be feeding these discussions in some way for them to continue.

Under thirty - don't have kids is hardly unusual in this day and age after all.

Do you feel some need to explain your childlessness ? If so why ?

If the question comes up - answer the question "No I don't have children" and then change the subject .......not look at them expectantly waiting for them to ask why.

Person_one

fierystormcloud wrote: »

I would imagine that one would be far more likely to regret NOT having them, than actually having them. Even if soooooo many people tell YOU that they regret having them.

I'm willing to take the risk of regretting NOT having them. That way I'm the only one affected. Far better that than have children I don't really want and then regret having them. I've seen the impact that being unwanted has too many times. Children know, and are affected, even if the parent thinks they're hiding their feelings.

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

I too feel that many childfree people can get very defensive and take it as a personal attack when people ask them why. The reality is that it is a natural curious instinct to ask anyone why they are not doing something that is considered the norm. It's nothing to do with having children or not, it is just understanding why someone feels differently to the majority of people.

Maybe we should start asking parents the same sort of questions so they get an idea of why its so annoying.

You have children? Why? What made you want them?

How come you had one/two/three/four/fifteen?

Aren't you worried they may ruin your marriage/sex life?

What if you end up estranged and in your old age they try and fleece you for your cash and stick you in a grotty old folks home?