Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

surveyqueenuk

Petra_70 wrote: »

Don't have children by all means, but stop trying to convince yourself that people with them have a miserable existence, no sex life, no fun, no money, rubbish holidays, and a bad relationship with their partner. Frankly, it's making people look bitter and spiteful, making all these kind of comments, that are frankly, WAY off the mark. My life, and my husband's life, was great before we had kids, but life is just as good WITH them; if not better. If I could go back 20 years, I would not change a THING.

Where has anyone said that all people who have children have a miserable existence etc? All that's been said is that there are some people who regret their decision. Not everybody. Just some.

Your own decision to have children and your delight with them is in no way invalidated by another person's decision not to have them or their regret of having them, so I'm not sure why you feel the need to be so defensive.

Jagraf

I don't wonder why, and would never ask why, peopke have no children, 1, 2, 5 or 10. It's absolutely and categorically none of my business, any more than how much money they have in their bank account or how many times a week they have @@@.

naturally curious gives no one the right to ask very personal questions.

lush_walrus

duchy wrote: »

Quite honestly I'm starting to think some of the childless people on this thread have too much time on their hands.

I was child free until I was thirty - Did people ask me now and again ask me if I had children or was planning on a family. My answer was I had no plans for children at this point in life and the conversation moved on.

My parents didn't have the grandparent fixation and never asked (although were absolutely delighted with and adored their first grandson when I produced him at the age of thirty one.)

My friends- some had kids and some didn't ......... No big deal to any of them - we were friends not clones.

I worked fulltime, I had a great social life, I travelled both for work and play I didn't have time to worry what other people thought I should be doing with my life. Of course I had the conversation with friends who found motherhood fufilled them -and if I'm honest I didn't really get it - because it wasn't on my agenda at all. I didn't really expect to have children - but I guess I hadn't totally ruled it out in my head either - as one day I simply felt it was time and we decided to try for a child .

Did I come across people who thought I "should" have children -probably - but it never stayed with me so I guess I was confident enough in my own choices that it didn't bug me enough for me to carry it with me. I suspect I'm like Polly - It wasn't an issue for me so when people did ask ......I simply didn't remember afterwards -it was just one of those social questions people ask like "where do you live" "what's your profession" etc and never placed any particular importance on the question or felt uncomfortable about it.

Ultimately if you are comfortable with your choices so are other people. If you come across as defensive or judgemental about other people making a different choice to you - then inevitably it will be more likely to provoke more questions and prolong the topic.

Your experience is very similar to mine, I wasn't sure if I wanted children or not and actually was more on the side of not wanting, same for my husband. That was until I was 36 and that changed, for both of us. We both had very successful careers and had been too busy enjoying our relationship and setting up businesses to think about children. Years on we are both so pleased to have them, I am sure has we not we would have carried on as we were quite happily - who knows. Life has changed having our 3 daughters a little, but we both still have our work, friends but now we also have our daughters and a little less work, a little less seeing friends and a little less travel.

I can honestly say other than an odd question here and there no one cared whether we had children or not. Plenty of our friends chose not to, some chose to and with or without children we all still meet up. Other than a bit of extra organising for those with children we all still see each other as being the same. But we are all professionals living in London, maybe this is different if you are in a village.

I absolutely agree with duchy, if you are happy with your decision whichever it is others don't blink an eye to it. Having children or not affects only the couple and it's only the couple who can make that choice.

Pollycat

Goldiegirl wrote: »

My husband's busybody old aunts favourite line was 'you'll have no one to look after you in your old age'


If that's a valid reason to have children, then I think that is shockingly bad


My personal attitude to children is that they are small people. As with all people, there's some I like and some that I don't - same with children


Not too fussed with babies - at work women would bring their latest baby in to be coo-ed over, and I'd be polite and have a look. But I'd have been more interested if they'd brought a kitten or puppy in! :rotfl:

Lordy! Lordy!
You must be me.:D

pigpen

Jagraf wrote: »

I don't wonder why, and would never ask why, peopke have no children, 1, 2, 5 or 10. It's absolutely and categorically none of my business, any more than how much money they have in their bank account or how many times a week they have @@@.

naturally curious gives no one the right to ask very personal questions.

I think that about the reasons people are childless too, it is none of my business.. If it is through choice (like a couple of my sisters) then I respect that decision, I might not understand it because I've never felt that way, but it is not my life to lead. One of my sisters chose to only have 1 child, again, that's fine.. she is a precocious, little madam who dresses much too inappropriately for a child her age.. so I smile and nod and tell my children I don't care if their cousin runs about the streets semi-naked layered in make-up they won't be.

And the assumption because you have children you like ALL children.. I cannot abide many children.. I think a lot are rude, badly behaved unpleasant little beings.. though quite often I'm not a fan of their parents either for the same reasons

I have been asked some incredibly rude questions and have a list of incredibly rude responses.. .. TV's, cars, sex, grocery bills, how many dads (alarmingly often.. and I usually say a few more than I have children .. 5 children 8 dads for example).. more than 4 children it becomes a free-for-all from everyone and anyone! The most amusing one is 'you don't look like you've had that many children' ... really? what should I look like? maybe I should be green and yellow striped with an extra eye and 4 arms lol ..and of course.. 'you don't look old enough' .. I'm not.. I had my first when I was 3! old enough for what? to have sex? to be a parent? to not get ID'd? .. It does provide a source of amusement though.

I don't like wine or dogs or seeing pictures naked men either I get loads of flak for those things too! Noone will ever agree 100% with another and I'm all for live and let live so long as people aren't an a$$hole I'm good.. apart from moths.. they all need to die!


I can honestly say if I could do it all again the only thing I would change is their cretinous parent.. OH I'd keep. I might do some things differently but I'd not be without the children.. even DS1 who was most unpleasant.


Basically you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.. it will never be the case where everyone agrees and that is why the human race is special and doomed!

Goldiegirl

pigpen wrote: »

more than 4 children it becomes a free-for-all from everyone and anyone

I think some folk struggle when other people aren't perceived as 'average'


Therefore, they have difficultly in coping when they view some one as having too few or too many children!

euronorris

"All I ever seem to hear is parents complaining about their sleepless nights/lack of social life/inability to eat a meal uninterrupted/lack of relaxing holidays etc."

To be fair, contrary to what Petra has said, I have heard those things from friends and family members over the years. Less so about the lack of social life and relaxing holidays (I think that depends on what you were like before kids came along), but lack of sleep and constant meals interruptions is a pretty common complaint.


It doesn't mean said parents wish they'd never had kids, it's just an adjustment. And a temporary one at that, as the majority of sleepless nights and meal interruptions will be in the very early years and taper off as they get older. It can be a big adjustment for some though. I remember one of my brothers being convinced that he wouldn't be anymore tired than he already is. We all laughed. He thought we were crazy. And less than 2 months after baby was born, he realised just how naïve he'd been. He absolutely loves it though, and he and his wife are now expecting their third.


It's part and parcel of being a parent. As is the loss of freedom at being able to just go out, at the drop of a hat to the pub of an evening - you have new responsibilities to consider. But then, for me personally, we do very little of that now anyway. Preferring to stay in with movies, and invite friends over instead.


I think it's just that some people are prepared to go through the sleepless nights, the interruptions, the massive change in their lives, it's worth it to them. And to others, it just isn't.


As for the lady who espouses that she doesn't want kids but is pregnant yet again......has she never heard of contraception? Heck, if she's that adamant about it why doesn't she get sterilised and be done with it?

SandC

I'm childfree by choice and am 45. I don't regret it.... yet! I've never had a maternal urge... was quite prepared to have one of those instant changes of mind as I know they happen... but I haven't.

I have never had anyone tell me they regret having children, or any of the life events that go with it. No more than the odd moan that we all have, which is usually just exasperation over some irritating situation or other....

There are loads of us women my age who don't have children these days - also a lot of my friends now have children who are grown up so they're off doing stuff with their husbands/friends etc that might have gone on the back burner for a bit over the years....

I have never been made to feel wrong or weird by anyone bar the odd ill-thought comment from an acquaintance perhaps - and people can have those sorts of thoughts about just about anything... it's not something I would take offence about. As I realise I AM the unusual one in not having children, not the other way around...

Anyway, if I'd have had children I wouldn't have been the go-to aunt available for babysitting at the drop of a hat.... we have our uses. :-)

Person_one

SandC wrote: »

As I realise I AM the unusual one in not having children, not the other way around...

Interestingly, this is getting less true.

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/dec/09/childlessness-political-deeply-personal-issue

Alikay

FBaby wrote: »

Totally agree, deciding to become a parent is almost always a selfish decision before anything else. I had children because I wanted them.

Me too. I knew it was unlikely I'd produce the next Einstein and it was not for The Greater Good. I just wanted to have my own little family, someone to nurture and care for and take pleasure in their growing and achieving. That need would have been part of me even if I'd been infertile or if I'd remained single, but I'd have had to find other ways of meeting that need: Adoption or fostering if infertility would've been the issue; pets, gardening or some other creative outlet if I'd have stayed single.