Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

cyantist

heartbreak_star wrote: »

I once got told I would never know what real love is because I will never hold my own baby. (Imagine that said with drama and flounce.)

Apparently there's only one kind of love in the world.

Silly woman.

Thankfully, the other people in the room were as hopelessly bemused by this as I was and we just continued chatting about how our lives were going.

HBS x

I got told this by a new father. He asked when I was having a baby and I said we were hoping to adopt soon. He asked why on earth I would want to adopt, that adopted children aren't your proper children and I won't know what love is until I have my own, biological child. My colleague who knew I had been trying to conceive for over 6 years kept trying to get him to shut up, but he went on and on and on saying I would be stupid to adopt and I should just have a baby myself. Before finally telling me to get a move on as I wasn't getting any younger!

It is that sort of behaviour (luckily I don't come across idiots like that very often at all) that make some childless women defensive and appear rude.

I have never had someone admit they regret having their children. But almost every day I have someone telling me how tired they are, how they haven't slept - again, how they are spending half their wages on childcare, and how they'll only be able to attend x event if they can get a babysitter. All these compromises are worth it to them because they really wanted children. But for someone who doesn't feel that urge, why would they subject themselves to these sorts of issues?

SandC

My reference to the eighties was just about the general attitudes in the workplace back then, not specifically about having or not having children btw.

happyandcontented

heartbreak_star wrote: »

I once got told I would never know what real love is because I will never hold my own baby. (Imagine that said with drama and flounce.)

Apparently there's only one kind of love in the world.

Silly woman.

Thankfully, the other people in the room were as hopelessly bemused by this as I was and we just continued chatting about how our lives were going.

HBS x

I don't think there is only one kind of love in the world, but I do believe that the love you feel for a child is very different to that felt for a spouse or parent. Maybe that was what the person was trying (clumsily) to say?

Everyone is entitled to make ther choice re parenthood and no one should be judged or questioned about it. It is a very personal choice.

Jagraf

heartbreak_star wrote: »

I once got told I would never know what real love is because I will never hold my own baby. (Imagine that said with drama and flounce.)

Apparently there's only one kind of love in the world.

Silly woman.

Thankfully, the other people in the room were as hopelessly bemused by this as I was and we just continued chatting about how our lives were going.

HBS x

How bizarre some people are - and poor child to have the burden of that parent's insecurity on its shoulders.

Jagraf

happyandcontented wrote: »

I don't think there is only one kind of love in the world, but I do believe that the love you feel for a child is very different to that felt for a spouse or parent. Maybe that was what the person was trying (clumsily) to say?

Everyone is entitled to make ther choice re parenthood and no one should be judged or questioned about it. It is a very personal choice.

But we all love subjectively anyway, none of us know how anyone else loves.

Jagraf

cyantist wrote: »

I got told this by a new father. He asked when I was having a baby and I said we were hoping to adopt soon. He asked why on earth I would want to adopt, that adopted children aren't your proper children and I won't know what love is until I have my own, biological child. My colleague who knew I had been trying to conceive for over 6 years kept trying to get him to shut up, but he went on and on and on saying I would be stupid to adopt and I should just have a baby myself. Before finally telling me to get a move on as I wasn't getting any younger!

It is that sort of behaviour (luckily I don't come across idiots like that very often at all) that make some childless women defensive and appear rude.

I have never had someone admit they regret having their children. But almost every day I have someone telling me how tired they are, how they haven't slept - again, how they are spending half their wages on childcare, and how they'll only be able to attend x event if they can get a babysitter. All these compromises are worth it to them because they really wanted children. But for someone who doesn't feel that urge, why would they subject themselves to these sorts of issues?

I don't get this own child v adopted child at all, except in an egotistical way. That guy obviously just loved his own genes.

happyandcontented

Jagraf wrote: »

But we all love subjectively anyway, none of us know how anyone else loves.

I think it is subjective, but it is very different, and I think that stems from feeling responsible for the existance and sustenance of another from the beginning of their life.

With a partner, they are an equal and you meet them, you have not been in their lives from the off, so the love does not have the same parameters.

So saying that if you have not had a child you can't know love is clearly wrong, but saying that if you haven't had a child you can't know that specific kind of love is not.

It is the Lioness type of love (in general) and most of us do not feel that kind of protectiveness about our romantic loves.

tea_lover

You can be responsible for and protective of people in many kinds of situations and relationships, not just parent-child.

catkins

cyantist wrote: »

I have never had someone admit they regret having their children. But almost every day I have someone telling me how tired they are, how they haven't slept - again, how they are spending half their wages on childcare, and how they'll only be able to attend x event if they can get a babysitter. All these compromises are worth it to them because they really wanted children. But for someone who doesn't feel that urge, why would they subject themselves to these sorts of issues?

With such a variety of contraception you would think only people who wanted children would have them but that's not necessarily true. I know of couples that have had children with no real thought or discussion but "because its the norm".


I also know of couples where only one of them wanted a child but they had one or more anyway. I'm not too sure that they are all wonderfully happy or wouldn't change things if they could.


Also in the past when there was not so much choice of contraception or it was more unreliable or even when there was none at all I am pretty sure there were some people that did not want or love their child.


OH's mum only ever wanted a girl. She had OH and, obviously, was not happy so her and OH's dad adopted a girl. My OH said he never felt love (was never told that they loved him) but from the day his sister came into the house he was treated badly - ignored, beaten.


He is now 60 and his sister 52 and nothing has changed except OH has no contact now with his mum or sister (his dad is dead).

happyandcontented

tea_lover wrote: »

You can be responsible for and protective of people in many kinds of situations and relationships, not just parent-child.

Of course, but it is not quite the same. The element of total responsibility because you have brought that child into the world or parented it from an early age adds another/different dimension.

I am not quite sure why that is a contentious statement, but it does appear that those who are childfree/less would rather that it was not said. It is a bond that is not exactly replicated by any other relationship, in my opinion of course.

Again, it is a choice that is very personal and should not be questioned by others.