Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

Jagraf

I have numerous discussions with my OH about parenting as he is my daughters stepdad (from very Young) and I am her biological mother. We both obviously love her very much but he makes much more sound decisions for her well being. He is calmer, kinder and thinks about his approach more than I do.

I think this is because I struggle to understand why or how she would be any different from me as she is "my genes", so this affects my judgment.

She is drawn to him much more than she is me as he takes more time to understand her as a separate human being - which we all are. Parenting judgments I think are clouded by our need to feel we "own" "our" children when actually we probably know "our" children less.

In fact, spouses and friends will know our children much better than we ever will, so the love we have for our children is based on how we want to see them rather than who they really are.

We never really know our children and they don't know their parents as much as other people we love. We just like to think we love what we assume them to be.

People always used to say "she has your eyes / nose" to my OH which just proves how we see things!

Pollycat

Well, this thread has opened my eyes.

As a child-free person by choice, I don't care what anybody thought about my decision (and didn't care many years ago when that decision was made).

I don't care (and didn't care) how many children my friends and family had.
That was their choice.
I wouldn't have dreamed of commenting if they only had one or had just announced they were expecting their 6th.

Actually, I think this pretty much sums up my attitude:

catkins wrote: »

I don't see why its acceptable for even 1 person to interrogate someone as to why they don't have children but when it's numerous people over a period of time it gets very annoying. I have never ever asked someone why they have 1 child, 4 children or whatever partly because it's rude and partly because I don't honestly care.

To me, it's a choice (or maybe not :cool:) that people make.
I see it as no different from somebody deciding to holiday in Spain as opposed to Greece.
Or buying a leather suite rather than a fabric one.
Sod all to do with me.

euronorris wrote: »

My Mother, on the other hand, can not understand why anyone would choose not to have kids and can be relentless if the discussion comes up. It's not very pleasant to be around.

Now had I ever been faced by somebody like this ^^^ (I never was), this lady would really regret ever broaching the subect with me of not having children.

Jagraf

Pollycat wrote: »

Well, this thread has opened my eyes.

As a child-free person by choice, I don't care what anybody thought about my decision (and didn't care many years ago when that decision was made).

I don't care (and didn't care) how many children my friends and family had.
That was their choice.
I wouldn't have dreamed of commenting if they only had one or had just announced they were expecting their 6th.

Actually, I think this pretty much sums up my attitude:

To me, it's a choice (or maybe not :cool:) that people make.
I see it as no different from somebody deciding to holiday in Spain as opposed to Greece.
Or buying a leather suite rather than a fabric one.
Sod all to do with me.


Now had I ever been faced by somebody like this ^^^ (I never was), this lady would really regret ever broaching the subect with me of not having children.

The only thing I can think of is that people who make different decisions need to justify them by working out why someone has done things differently. It's their own insecurities. In the past I often got "why did you stop at one" as if it's a bit inferior to their situation. I often also got people justifying themselves by saying "I could never just have one - they will be lonely when I die" - What's all that about!

duchy

Some posters have said they can't comment on the parent child bond because as child free they have never experienced it- but surely most of us have experienced it - as the child ?

Jagraf

duchy wrote: »

Some posters have said they can't comment on the parent child bond because as child free they have never experienced it- but surely most of us have experienced it - as the child ?

I find the term 'bond' really funny as its so obviously one way. Most kids try to unbond from their parents as soon as they can

AubreyMac

I am very close to my niece and nephew, and have been like a mother figure to them since they were born especially my niece (as she's older than nephew). When they are with me I have provided for them in terms of food and clothing. I've never asked my sisters to pay me back.


What pees me off is when others tell me that the love I have for my niece & nephew is 'not the same' as the love I would have for my own child.


One of my best friends do not want children as she spent most of her life bringing up her younger sister when her parents were unable to. She too gets told 'it's not the same'.

euronorris

Pollycat wrote: »

Now had I ever been faced by somebody like this ^^^ (I never was), this lady would really regret ever broaching the subect with me of not having children.

Oh God, that would be one hell of an argument! My Mother is quite insecure and thinks that everyone is against her as it is. When they actually do disagree with her, she goes off the deep end.


That's not to say that she doesn't have good qualities. She has many. But, looking at something from someone else's point of view is not one of them.


ie, currently, if she sees me walking up, or down, any stairs without holding onto the bannister, she practically has a heart attack. This is because she can no longer do this herself due to a problem with her knee, and assumes that no one else can either. No amount of reminding her that I do not have any mobility or stability issues, seems to calm her down on the subject though.

duchy

Jagraf wrote: »

I find the term 'bond' really funny as its so obviously one way. Most kids try to unbond from their parents as soon as they can

Maybe that is your experience

I was the rebellious teenager from hell but through it all even when my Mum and I really didn't like each other -we still had that bond.

As an adult we still had a strong bond- She taught me to be a strong and independent woman - and it's the old saying if you love someone set them free- and if the bond is strong -you never lose them. We never lost that bond - even when I left home, travelled the world, had my family - to you bond means shackles to me it's something else -a deep connection.

Jagraf

duchy wrote: »

Maybe that is your experience

I was the rebellious teenager from hell but through it all even when my Mum and I really didn't like each other -we still had that bond.

As an adult we still had a strong bond- She taught me to be a strong and independent woman - and it's the old saying if you love someone set them free- and if the bond is strong -you never lose them. We never lost that bond - even when I left home, travelled the world, had my family - to you bond means shackles to me it's something else -a deep connection.

You can have a deep connection with anyone and a bond can mean anything to anyone so to ask whether a child had felt that bond is as subjective as any love with anyone.

I don't see bonding as shackles either. I just find the word a bit dramatic.

seven-day-weekend

I love my husband and my son, but love them differently, not more or less.