Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

Andypandyboy

Jagraf wrote: »

I have numerous discussions with my OH about parenting as he is my daughters stepdad (from very Young) and I am her biological mother. We both obviously love her very much but he makes much more sound decisions for her well being. He is calmer, kinder and thinks about his approach more than I do.

I think this is because I struggle to understand why or how she would be any different from me as she is "my genes", so this affects my judgment.

She is drawn to him much more than she is me as he takes more time to understand her as a separate human being - which we all are. Parenting judgments I think are clouded by our need to feel we "own" "our" children when actually we probably know "our" children less.

In fact, spouses and friends will know our children much better than we ever will, so the love we have for our children is based on how we want to see them rather than who they really are.

We never really know our children and they don't know their parents as much as other people we love. We just like to think we love what we assume them to be.

People always used to say "she has your eyes / nose" to my OH which just proves how we see things!

I have never thought that way, and I doubt my parents did either. It seems a very odd way to parent to me.

I think that we do know our children better than anybody when they are young, we know their faults, we know their strengths, we know what presses their buttons. As they grow older other people move into their lives and they come to know them better as adults and we should be happy for that to happen.

I agree with Duchy, there is a bond, it may be under pressure at times, but I never kicked aganst it, and my kids don't. They accept it makes the family unit stronger. It is not something we talk about it just is.

Jagraf

Andypandyboy wrote: »

I have never thought that way, and I doubt my parents did either. It seems a very odd way to parent to me.

I think that we do know our children better than anybody when they are young, we know their faults, we know their strengths, we know what presses their buttons. As they grow older other people move into their lives and they come to know them better as adults and we should be happy for that to happen.

I agree with Duchy, there is a bond, it may be under pressure at times, but I never kicked aganst it, and my kids don't. They accept it makes the family unit stronger. It is not something we talk about it just is.

Does it have to be biological (in your opinion)? Or is it something that is 'grown'. There are some people who say they couldn't adopt children as they wouldn't feel the same. My experiences are not like that at all.

Im of the opinion it doesn't need to be biological, so therefore you can share a 'bond' with anyone you love. Maybe it's just having the right environmental factors so that that love can develop.

Andypandyboy

I think you can share a bond with anyone you love, but is it the same bond deep down as that you have for your own child? I would have to say I am not sure.

duchy

Andypandyboy wrote: »

I think you can share a bond with anyone you love, but is it the same bond deep down as that you have for your own child? I would have to say I am not sure.

I think you can - if the child was very young when you became their parent.

My OH is adopted - the bond he has with his Mum is very strong and he was only a few months old when he went to her and his Dad.

I suppose there is an argument that an adopted child is loved more deeply because they didn't just come along but there was more wanting and uncertainty beforehand...........Maybe that's true of people who have struggled with fertility before having a child too ? I really don't know either. Maybe that lays a foundation for something stronger ?

missbiggles1

happyandcontented wrote: »

Of course, but it is not quite the same. The element of total responsibility because you have brought that child into the world or parented it from an early age adds another/different dimension.

I am not quite sure why that is a contentious statement, but it does appear that those who are childfree/less would rather that it was not said. It is a bond that is not exactly replicated by any other relationship, in my opinion of course.

Again, it is a choice that is very personal and should not be questioned by others.

You choose your partner, not your children. And, as you get older, health concerns mean that many couples need to give as much care (or more) than they ever gave to their children.

mumps

Isn't there a biological imperative that makes parents protective of their children in a way they won't feel for their partners.

mumps

duchy wrote: »

I think you can - if the child was very young when you became their parent.

My OH is adopted - the bond he has with his Mum is very strong and he was only a few months old when he went to her and his Dad.

I suppose there is an argument that an adopted child is loved more deeply because they didn't just come along but there was more wanting and uncertainty beforehand...........Maybe that's true of people who have struggled with fertility before having a child too ? I really don't know either. Maybe that lays a foundation for something stronger ?

I think it is hard to judge other peoples feelings. Adoptive parents and children are probably offended if someone says their bond is less than with biological families. I find the opposite just as offensive, with my fourth child I had a series of threatened miscarriages and was deeply offended when some insensitive people suggested it didn't matter as much because I had three other children. I love him as much as the other three and would have been just as devastated if I had lost him.

I think some adoptive parents probably love their children more than some biological parents and vice versa. I don't think you can say one size fits all.

missbiggles1

mumps wrote: »

Isn't there a biological imperative that makes parents protective of their children in a way they won't feel for their partners.

Doesn't that rather depend on who needs protecting?

mumps

catkins wrote: »

With such a variety of contraception you would think only people who wanted children would have them but that's not necessarily true. I know of couples that have had children with no real thought or discussion but "because its the norm".


I also know of couples where only one of them wanted a child but they had one or more anyway. I'm not too sure that they are all wonderfully happy or wouldn't change things if they could.


Also in the past when there was not so much choice of contraception or it was more unreliable or even when there was none at all I am pretty sure there were some people that did not want or love their child.


OH's mum only ever wanted a girl. She had OH and, obviously, was not happy so her and OH's dad adopted a girl. My OH said he never felt love (was never told that they loved him) but from the day his sister came into the house he was treated badly - ignored, beaten.


He is now 60 and his sister 52 and nothing has changed except OH has no contact now with his mum or sister (his dad is dead).

That is so sad. I can't understand how people get so hung up on having a boy or girl. I remember a midwife telling me she had recently delivered a woman of her 13th baby. She had 12 boys but was determined to carry on till she got the girl she wanted. I said how sad it was for the boys, they must feel so second best. The midwife said she felt sorry for the little girl, imagine carrying all her mothers hope, dreams and fantasies about having a little girl and how could she ever live up to it. I wasn't sure who to feel more sorry for in the end.

mumps

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Doesn't that rather depend on who needs protecting?

But the biological imperative is about ensuring your DNA goes on, well that is how I understood it. I'm not saying that is right but I thought it was accepted in all organisms not just human. Maybe it isn't as strong in human's as in an amoeba.

Actually I think it is complicated because sometimes the best way to ensure your DNA carrying on is to ensure you have a strong mate. I think I might need to read up on this.