Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

mumps

mumps wrote: »

When you think about it nurturing children that are not biologically our own is still ensuring survival of the group/species.

euronorris wrote: »

Surely there is also an element of all adult humans wanting to protect the young, whether they are related to them or not.


Most people I know, when faced with a choice of only being able to save one person and the choice is between a child or an adult (both strangers to them), will choose to save the child.


I think that's inbuilt into most of the population, as a way to ensure that the human race survives by protecting the next generation.

Which is why I said the bit I quoted above.

AubreyMac

It was in the news recently that a couple of mothers brought up kids that were not biologically theirs due to a mix up in the hospital. All 4 of them (mothers and kids) were not aware of this at all during the kids upbringing. But since it's come to light the mothers wanted to keep the child they had brought up as the bond and love is so deep they couldn't just swap back now. I think this sort of storyline was done in Corrie (I don't watch Corrie).


One of my relatives is a step mother to her husbands son from a previous marriage (step son's mother died). They now have 2 children of her own. She loves them all equally and now that she's a widow, she has changed her will so that her estate is divided equally amongst 3 kids. If anything she feels more protective of her step son as he now has no family from his biological parents and also my extended family were not very accepting of him too as he was only the 'step'.

AubreyMac

duchy wrote: »

I think you can - if the child was very young when you became their parent.

My OH is adopted - the bond he has with his Mum is very strong and he was only a few months old when he went to her and his Dad.

I suppose there is an argument that an adopted child is loved more deeply because they didn't just come along but there was more wanting and uncertainty beforehand...........Maybe that's true of people who have struggled with fertility before having a child too ? I really don't know either. Maybe that lays a foundation for something stronger ?

Some may also argue that adoption is a compromise or a 'second best' choice as many adopters (who are straight and in relationships) apply after trying and failing to have their own.

cyantist

AubreyMac wrote: »

Some may also argue that adoption is a compromise or a 'second best' choice as many adopters (who are straight and in relationships) apply after trying and failing to have their own.

Can we stop referring to them as 'your own'? Adopted children are legally your own children. Biological child is a more accurate way of putting it.

Sometimes it is a second best choice but sometimes it isn't. Having been through part of the adoption process I was surprised at how many people were actually going through adoption as a first choice.

I have wanted to adopt since I was a child and for many reasons would prefer to adopt than have a biological child, but it's so difficult to adopt and as we currently don't meet the criteria we are having to try everything along the biological route.

There are many people who just want to be a parent and the route through which this happens is unimportant. But because they choose the easiest option, doesn't mean that the other route would have resulted in a child who was second best.

AubreyMac

cyantist wrote: »

Can we stop referring to them as 'your own'? Adopted children are legally your own children. Biological child is a more accurate way of putting it.

Whoops, sorry - my bad. You are right about that.

duchy

AubreyMac wrote: »

Some may also argue that adoption is a compromise or a 'second best' choice as many adopters (who are straight and in relationships) apply after trying and failing to have their own.

And some people may regard that view as completely offensive as well as totally incorrect and probably argued only by someone who has no direct or first hand experience of adoption.

How do families who have deliberately blended their families with first a biological child or two , then some adopted and then more bio kids fit in to your theory ?

Not everyone adopts because of infertility - some people genuinely feel that the world has too many unwanted children already and choose to adopt some or all of their much wanted children as a matter of social conscience.

AubreyMac

duchy wrote: »

And some people may regard that view as completely offensive as well as totally incorrect and probably argued only by someone who has no direct or first hand experience of adoption.

Some people may have that view, yes, but everyone is entitled to their opinions.

duchy wrote: »

How do families who have deliberately blended their families with first a biological child or two , then some adopted and then more bio kids fit in to your theory ?

Dunno. You'll have to ask someone who has done that. And it wasn't MY theory. Just saying it can be argued (or counter argued what you earlier stated can be argued).

duchy wrote: »

Not everyone adopts because of infertility - some people genuinely feel that the world has too many unwanted children already and choose to adopt some or all of their much wanted children as a matter of social conscience.

Has anybody said EVERYONE adopts because of infertility?


There are some really wonderful choice adopters out there, and unfortunately I have seen some get a really hard time over it.

Poppie68

My daughter has just ended her 8 year relationship due to the fact he doesn't want children or get married. They got together age 16 and 18, he said then he didn't want them but being that age it wasn't an issue....As they have both got older his stance hasn't changed but she's realised they are things she wants. I'm proud of them both sticking to their convictions and not one of them settling for the other partners wants or needs.. It's been heartbreaking for all concerned but the other option would have the potential of turning into a disaster.

catkins

happyandcontented wrote: »

Having children or not having children is a personal choice but it doesn't change the facts, the love felt for a child is not the same love one feels for a spouse so if you don't have a child you haven't experienced the same type of love that the majority (obviously there are exceptions) of people feel for their child.

Obviously I have never experienced love for my own child and I can see that it probably is different from the love you feel for a spouse but that doesn't make it any stronger or better.


The love for a child must also have elements of fear/worry or whatever you want to call it. I know if I had decided to have children the worry about them would have been huge. I worried all through my nieces' and nephews' childhoods - would they be healthy, would they like school, would they make friends, would they be bullied, would they do well at school etc etc. Now they are much older I don't worry so much but I do still worry about things like work, relationships, will they afford to buy or even rent a property etc.


The love I have for my husband doesn't, on the whole, contain that element of worry although since he had a major health scare last year it does a bit more than it did.


We cannot know how other people experience and/or feel love. Would you say that someone who is distraught and goes to pieces when their spouse dies loved them more than someone who, although upset, deals with it calmly and seems to carry on as normal or even marries someone else fairly quickly?


My OH is my best friend. I would rather spend time with him than anyone but not all married people feel that way. When I have said that to a couple of friends they look at me like I am mad. One friend says she doesn't like going on holiday because it means just spending time with her OH and yet she maintains she loves him very much.


Another friend when I asked them about their honeymoon said "it was ok but got a bit boring just being the two of them".

catkins

Poppie68 wrote: »

My daughter has just ended her 8 year relationship due to the fact he doesn't want children or get married. They got together age 16 and 18, he said then he didn't want them but being that age it wasn't an issue....As they have both got older his stance hasn't changed but she's realised they are things she wants. I'm proud of them both sticking to their convictions and not one of them settling for the other partners wants or needs.. It's been heartbreaking for all concerned but the other option would have the potential of turning into a disaster.

I guess there is a much bigger chance of this happening if a couple get together quite young.


One of my nieces met her boyfriend when they were both 17 and she has always said she doesn't want children although he said he did. They are now 26 and she hasn't changed her mind. They are getting married soon and he says he has accepted her decision and I just hope that is true.


His mum though has been asking for a good few years about children even though she knows my neice doesn't want any. Now they are getting married she is really pushing and saying she want's grandchildren