Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

Alikay

catkins wrote: »

The love for a child must also have elements of fear/worry or whatever you want to call it.

Yes, that's true for me - very much so. The responsibility can seem huge, and there is no manual or helpline that can give you a definitive guide to child rearing. That for me is the most liberating thing about my children growing up. Fostering is even harder in that respect: The sense of responsibility and accountability can be almost overwhelming at times.

Poppie68

catkins wrote: »

I guess there is a much bigger chance of this happening if a couple get together quite young.


One of my nieces met her boyfriend when they were both 17 and she has always said she doesn't want children although he said he did. They are now 26 and she hasn't changed her mind. They are getting married soon and he says he has accepted her decision and I just hope that is true.


His mum though has been asking for a good few years about children even though she knows my neice doesn't want any. Now they are getting married she is really pushing and saying she want's grandchildren

I've got another 2 daughter's and already have one beautiful granddaughter but would never try and pressure any of them into having a child, children are blumin!hard work even if it's always been your dream, resentment could surely set in if you feel you've been pressured into having one to placate others.
Your niece needs to stand her ground but given time she may change her mind on her own?

Poppie68

Alikay wrote: »

Yes, that's true for me - very much so. The responsibility can seem huge, and there is no manual or helpline that can give you a definitive guide to child rearing. That for me is the most liberating thing about my children growing up. Fostering is even harder in that respect: The sense of responsibility and accountability can be almost overwhelming at times.

It is true.....Mine are in their 20's and I still worry about them as much as I did when they were younger, I worry about my granddaughter in exactly the same way....I drive myself nuts sometimes lol.

heartbreak_star

catkins wrote: »

His mum though has been asking for a good few years about children even though she knows my neice doesn't want any. Now they are getting married she is really pushing and saying she want's grandchildren

That sounds very much like her mum's problem.

I'm very lucky - my mum has said grandchildren would make her feel old hahaha! (She's 70!)

HBS x

KxMx

Mums in that position need to count their blessings, having a child, rather than bemoaning the lack of grandkids.

I count myself as a woman who'd love to make her Mum a Nana but its so unlikely to happen I've given up hope age 28, and in my view she needs to think herself lucky not hard done by.

LilElvis

AubreyMac wrote: »

Some may also argue that adoption is a compromise or a 'second best' choice as many adopters (who are straight and in relationships) apply after trying and failing to have their own.

So where do I fall into the hierarchy of parenthood? I gave birth to my daughter, but I am not genetically her mother as she was born thanks to egg donation. Am I less of a mother because she doesn't share my genes? Am I more of a mother than an adoptive parent because I physically carried and birthed her? Where does a mother fit into the "scale" if she has a child which is genetically hers but carried by a surrogate, or a surrogate but with donor eggs? Am I more of a mother because my daughter was planned rather than an accident?

I don't believe there are degrees of motherhood. A mother is a woman who loves and nurtures a child, regardless of how they came into their life - naturally, adoption, gamete donation, surrogacy or as a step-parent - that they are loved and cherished is all that matters to the child.

AubreyMac

LilElvis wrote: »

So where do I fall into the hierarchy of parenthood? I gave birth to my daughter, but I am not genetically her mother as she was born thanks to egg donation. Am I less of a mother because she doesn't share my genes? Am I more of a mother than an adoptive parent because I physically carried and birthed her? Where does a mother fit into the "scale" if she has a child which is genetically hers but carried by a surrogate, or a surrogate but with donor eggs? Am I more of a mother because my daughter was planned rather than an accident?

I don't believe there are degrees of motherhood. A mother is a woman who loves and nurtures a child, regardless of how they came into their life - naturally, adoption, gamete donation, surrogacy or as a step-parent - that they are loved and cherished is all that matters to the child.

Your second paragraph has answered it beautifully. IMO 'mother' is a title earned, not a title automatically given because you have children. Same goes for the title of father.

With regards to the questions in your first paragraph, clearly there is no black and white answers but if all parties are happy does it matter?

My quote that you've quoted isn't my opinion, I was just offering another perspective (devils advocate) that some people may believe, a counter argument to those who may believe an adopted child could be regarded as more longed for.

Petra_70

KxMx wrote: »

Mums in that position need to count their blessings, having a child, rather than bemoaning the lack of grandkids.

I count myself as a woman who'd love to make her Mum a Nana but its so unlikely to happen I've given up hope age 28, and in my view she needs to think herself lucky not hard done by.

Am I reading this right? Are you seriously saying that you've given up hope of ever having a baby... at the age of 28?!

coolcait

Petra_70 wrote: »

Am I reading this right? Are you seriously saying that you've given up hope of ever having a baby... at the age of 28?!

Sadly, for some women, that is the fact of the matter, due to various medical issues.

duchy

AubreyMac wrote: »

My quote that you've quoted isn't my opinion, I was just offering another perspective (devils advocate) that some people may believe, a counter argument to those who may believe an adopted child could be regarded as more longed for.

Just stirring the pot eh ?

You appear to mixing up longed for with loved. Not the same thing !

I personally know two families who have a mix of adopted and bio children (I may know more who simply don't think it's worth mentioning of course)

One is accidental -the quite common story of a couple who couldn't conceive so adopted and lo and behold their bio child was born nine months later , two sons less than a year apart - equally loved.

The other has eight children I know four or five of them are adopted but I couldn't tell you which ........ it really is irrelevant to the family and she regards all eight as "her own" .

Ultimately if you want children they are a blessing regardless of how they came to your family. Some people do regard adopted as second class or in some way inferior if not "their own" clearly they would be deamed unsuitable and rejected early in the adoption process - thankfully. Not everyone wants mini me's or feel their children are just a way of replicating themselves .