Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

catkins

Poppie68 wrote: »

I've got another 2 daughter's and already have one beautiful granddaughter but would never try and pressure any of them into having a child, children are blumin!hard work even if it's always been your dream, resentment could surely set in if you feel you've been pressured into having one to placate others.
Your niece needs to stand her ground but given time she may change her mind on her own?

She will definitely stand her ground. She now just laughs every time her boyfriend's mum starts on about children and she is certainly not the sort of person to have a baby to keep someone else happy.


She may change her mind but I honestly doubt she will. She has said since about 15 that she does not want children.


When OH and I decided not to have any I was 26 and he was 23 and we have never waivered from that decision. She is 26 now so there is no reason to think she is liable to change her mind,


Apart from me and OH, 3 more of her aunt's and uncles do not have children and she has spoken to all of us at different times asking if we have ever regretted it and if we got pressure from any family so she has definitely given it a lot of thought

LilElvis

Petra_70 wrote: »

Am I reading this right? Are you seriously saying that you've given up hope of ever having a baby... at the age of 28?!

And are you seriously calling her a liar?

Show some sensitivity FHS. There are a multitude of reasons why someone might not be able to have a child, and they certainly don't need to spell it out for the hard of thinking. They might not want to go through IVF, using donor gametes or surrogacy - these are emotionally and financially huge decisions to make and aren't right for everyone.

LilElvis

AubreyMac wrote: »

Your second paragraph has answered it beautifully. IMO 'mother' is a title earned, not a title automatically given because you have children. Same goes for the title of father.

With regards to the questions in your first paragraph, clearly there is no black and white answers but if all parties are happy does it matter?

My quote that you've quoted isn't my opinion, I was just offering another perspective (devils advocate) that some people may believe, a counter argument to those who may believe an adopted child could be regarded as more longed for.

I actually don't care whether these are your personal beliefs or you are being a devils advocate. Those who have to deal with infertility don't really need to hear carp like that either way. They already feel wretched enough without others adding to their feelings of being defective, not "real" men or women, inadequate, a failure at something which others achieve without even thinking ..... I'm totally open to both my daughter and others about the choice we made to accept the help of an egg donor, but there are many others who hide their need to seek help in achieving a family because they cannot deal with negative, bigoted and uninformed opinions which many feel it is their right to voice, regardless of the hurt it inflicts.

Petra_70

LilElvis wrote: »

And are you seriously calling her a liar?

Show some sensitivity FHS. There are a multitude of reasons why someone might not be able to have a child, and they certainly don't need to spell it out for the hard of thinking. They might not want to go through IVF, using donor gametes or surrogacy - these are emotionally and financially huge decisions to make and aren't right for everyone.

Are you seriously accusing me of calling her a liar?! I wasn't calling ANYONE a liar, so quit stirring and making stuff up to suit your agenda!

I simply asked why she has given up hope of ever having a baby at 28.

The poster KxMx posted it here on a public forum that she had given up hope of ever having a baby at 28, and she freely gave that information, so she should not be shocked that someone would ask why.

I wasn't talking to you anyway. So why are you even commenting? I am sure the poster I directed the question at is quite capable of answering the question without people butting in causing friction.

duchy

Petra_70 wrote: »

I wasn't talking to you anyway. So why are you even commenting? n.

Possibly because this is a public forum and if you post on it ANYONE is entitled to reply or comment- and you don't get to dictate to them whether they do or not !

If you want a private conversation with an individual poster then use PM (it's short for PRIVATE message- the clue is in the name) rather than be rude to people who actually understand how to use a forum !

catkins

Petra_70 wrote: »

Are you seriously accusing me of calling her a liar?! I wasn't calling ANYONE a liar, so quit stirring and making stuff up to suit your agenda!

I simply asked why she has given up hope of ever having a baby at 28.

The poster KxMx posted it here on a public forum that she had given up hope of ever having a baby at 28, and she freely gave that information, so she should not be shocked that someone would ask why.

I wasn't talking to you anyway. So why are you even commenting? I am sure the poster I directed the question at is quite capable of answering the question without people butting in causing friction.

I think your wording was rude. You said are you seriously saying you've given up hope of having a baby at age 28. You don't know the reasons why nor do you need to.

LilElvis

Petra_70 wrote: »

I simply asked why she has given up hope of ever having a baby at 28.

That wasn't how you phrased it. You said "are you seriously saying you've given up hope of having a baby at age 28". She won't have "given up" lightly, and what use will it serve for her to describe why she thinks it is unlikely to happen, save to gratify your nosiness?

I don't have an "agenda", what I do have is empathy for someone who is likely already sick to death of being questioned and physically poked and prodded.

KxMx

It's not a decision I came to easily, or quickly by any means. It took many years and much soul searching before I resigned myself to the fact that in all probability I won't have kids.

It is however entirely realistic to my circumstances and the unrealistic prospect that my circumstances would improve.

My life would have to do at least a 180 degree if not 360 degree turn in multiple areas for me to consider having kids. And that is also making the assumption that I can get pregnant, stay pregnant and not pass on my problems. The odds are not in my favour and haven't been for a considerable time, hence the resignation.

I do hold out moderate hopes of being made an Aunty, even if I am old and grey before my Brother obliges And am lucky enough to spend a few hours once a week with my cousin and her delightful twins (6 months & one of each ) An arrangement we both hope will continue until they go to school. As a family we waited almost 30 years for the next generation but boy are they worth it!

Petra_70

KxMx wrote: »

It's not a decision I came to easily, or quickly by any means. It took many years and much soul searching before I resigned myself to the fact that in all probability I won't have kids.

It is however entirely realistic to my circumstances and the unrealistic prospect that my circumstances would improve.

My life would have to do at least a 180 degree if not 360 degree turn in multiple areas for me to consider having kids. And that is also making the assumption that I can get pregnant, stay pregnant and not pass on my problems. The odds are not in my favour and haven't been for a considerable time, hence the resignation.

I do hold out moderate hopes of being made an Aunty, even if I am old and grey before my Brother obliges And am lucky enough to spend a few hours once a week with my cousin and her delightful twins (6 months & one of each ) An arrangement we both hope will continue until they go to school. As a family we waited almost 30 years for the next generation but boy are they worth it!

Thanks for sharing your story KxMx.

I must admit, I was taken aback by the statement 'I have given up hope' especially when you said you're only 28. But from what you have said,I understand much more now. Thank you.

I do hope that you DO have children one day (if you want them!) I do know half a dozen women who thought in their 20s, that they would NEVER have them, but they ended up having them over 30. Two in their early to mid 30s, two in their late 30s, and 2 in their 40s.

So there is always hope.