Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

SandC

I read somewhere that hormones of going through the menopause allow a mother to let go emotionally (not completely obviously) of a child. In the same way that biologically animals in the wild let their offspring go at a very young age...

I mean look how we take puppies and kittens at only 8 weeks or so old? Humans must have some evolutionary coping mechanism just as the animals do..... even if the timescales are vastly out. There has to be a different love for a life partner (and now I'm thinking of swans....).

There quite simply us no 'right' way that suits all.

Alikay

mumps wrote: »

Isn't there a biological imperative that makes parents protective of their children in a way they won't feel for their partners.

I've heard that the feeling of love tends to increase with the amount of effort you put into caring for another person. so the fact that a baby requires a lot of investment from a parent in meeting its feeding, washing, comforting, stimulating, protecting needs means it will almost inevitably result in a strong bond (love) from parent to child. This would also happen with an adopted child.

This is definitely true of me: I love my own children of course, but the foster child I loved most fiercely was the one who came to us in very poor physical condition and took a lot of care and nurturing to blossom into a healthy strong little girl.

missbiggles1

Alikay wrote: »

I've heard that the feeling of love tends to increase with the amount of effort you put into caring for another person. so the fact that a baby requires a lot of investment from a parent in meeting its feeding, washing, comforting, stimulating, protecting needs means it will almost inevitably result in a strong bond (love) from parent to child. This would also happen with an adopted child.

This is definitely true of me: I love my own children of course, but the foster child I loved most fiercely was the one who came to us in very poor physical condition and took a lot of care and nurturing to blossom into a healthy strong little girl.

I think that's true of a spouse as well.

mumps

Alikay wrote: »

I've heard that the feeling of love tends to increase with the amount of effort you put into caring for another person. so the fact that a baby requires a lot of investment from a parent in meeting its feeding, washing, comforting, stimulating, protecting needs means it will almost inevitably result in a strong bond (love) from parent to child. This would also happen with an adopted child.

This is definitely true of me: I love my own children of course, but the foster child I loved most fiercely was the one who came to us in very poor physical condition and took a lot of care and nurturing to blossom into a healthy strong little girl.

I think I would love any baby I was looking after, as they get older it might not be all of them. I wasn't saying people wouldn't love adopted/fostered children but the biological imperative is something different that nature/God or whatever designed to make sure our species/group/family went on. When you think about it nurturing children that are not biologically our own is still ensuring survival of the group/species.

This link seems to explain it http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Biological_imperative

The other thing I find interesting is how some people who lose a partner move on quite quickly and for others they never want/find anyone else. Someone said to me that it is the people who are happiest in their marriage/long term partnership who will marry again quickly. This seemed odd to me at first but the more I think about it the more I can understand what they meant, though I don't think one size fits all.

I can't imagine ever having another relationship but I don't think that means I am unhappily married, I suppose none of us know how we would cope if we lost our life partner. I married at 17 and am 62 now so have never been a single adult.

seven-day-weekend

mumps wrote: »

I think it is hard to judge other peoples feelings. Adoptive parents and children are probably offended if someone says their bond is less than with biological families. I find the opposite just as offensive, with my fourth child I had a series of threatened miscarriages and was deeply offended when some insensitive people suggested it didn't matter as much because I had three other children. I love him as much as the other three and would have been just as devastated if I had lost him.

I think some adoptive parents probably love their children more than some biological parents and vice versa. I don't think you can say one size fits all.

My adoptive mum gave me this poem:



Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
But in it.

Pollycat

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

My adoptive mum gave me this poem:



Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
But in it.

That must have been quite emotional for you both, sdw.

duchy

mumps wrote: »

That is so sad. I can't understand how people get so hung up on having a boy or girl. I remember a midwife telling me she had recently delivered a woman of her 13th baby. She had 12 boys but was determined to carry on till she got the girl she wanted. I said how sad it was for the boys, they must feel so second best. The midwife said she felt sorry for the little girl, imagine carrying all her mothers hope, dreams and fantasies about having a little girl and how could she ever live up to it. I wasn't sure who to feel more sorry for in the end.

A friend of mine was desperate for a girl - and had six boys - number 7 was a girl and we were all jokingly offering to drive Dad to the doctors to get the snip........when his wife decided it would be hard for her daughter to be the only girl with six brothers so she wanted another girl :eek: Thankfully the next was another girl and Dad then got the snip before she had time to change her mind

duchy

mumps wrote: »

I can't imagine ever having another relationship but I don't think that means I am unhappily married, I suppose none of us know how we would cope if we lost our life partner. I married at 17 and am 62 now so have never been a single adult.

My ex MIL married at 17 to a man twenty years her senior- going from her Father's roof to her husband's (as was the norm then)

He died when she was in her early forties - and her son was absolutely shocked she had ever found anyone else-let alone so quickly. I was hardly her biggest fan but I found myself explaining to my (by then ) ex that she had never lived alone and it was very understandable that having had a happy marriage that to her the norm was to be in a close relationship and to expect her to stay alone was unreasonable as no matter how much she loved his Dad she needed companionship and probably also needed to be needed.

I don't think you can know until it happens to you though- we're all different

euronorris

mumps wrote: »

But the biological imperative is about ensuring your DNA goes on, well that is how I understood it. I'm not saying that is right but I thought it was accepted in all organisms not just human. Maybe it isn't as strong in human's as in an amoeba.

Actually I think it is complicated because sometimes the best way to ensure your DNA carrying on is to ensure you have a strong mate. I think I might need to read up on this.

Surely there is also an element of all adult humans wanting to protect the young, whether they are related to them or not.


Most people I know, when faced with a choice of only being able to save one person and the choice is between a child or an adult (both strangers to them), will choose to save the child.


I think that's inbuilt into most of the population, as a way to ensure that the human race survives by protecting the next generation.

mumps

duchy wrote: »

My ex MIL married at 17 to a man twenty years her senior- going from her Father's roof to her husband's (as was the norm then)

He died when she was in her early forties - and her son was absolutely shocked she had ever found anyone else-let alone so quickly. I was hardly her biggest fan but I found myself explaining to my (by then ) ex that she had never lived alone and it was very understandable that having had a happy marriage that to her the norm was to be in a close relationship and to expect her to stay alone was unreasonable as no matter how much she loved his Dad she needed companionship and probably also needed to be needed.

I don't think you can know until it happens to you though- we're all different

We're all different is so important isn't it, so often people seem to think if they feel a certain way everyone else should. I know we sometimes don't stop to think about it so just imagine everyone would feel a certain way but when someone tells you they don't why don't people accept that? I think your explanation was really good and anyone should be able to understand that.