Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

scooby088

Although I have said earlier in this discussion that i have no desire to father my own biological offspring I do have two step children and I do love them as I would if i had my own, but I still don't want to father any offspring with anyone to me that sounds I contradict myself. But that is how I feel.

Goldiegirl

happyandcontented wrote: »

Of course, but it is not quite the same. The element of total responsibility because you have brought that child into the world or parented it from an early age adds another/different dimension.

I am not quite sure why that is a contentious statement, but it does appear that those who are childfree/less would rather that it was not said. It is a bond that is not exactly replicated by any other relationship, in my opinion of course.

Again, it is a choice that is very personal and should not be questioned by others.

You can say it if you want to, it doesn't bother me.


There are many forms of love - it is unrealistic to believe that everyone will experience every single type of love in their life, and I won't experience the love for a child as a mother. But I have chosen that, so there's no problem- and no problem that others will experience this

Goldiegirl

Peter333 wrote: »

Re the childfree/mummy debate; whether women have children or not is up to them, but I know for a fact that quite a few women at work were very rude and unpleasant to my wife, when she had our first child 28 years ago in the late 1980s.

Just a thought why this happened, and it's not a justification.


Many of us may have experienced this issue in the workplace, parent or childfree


It's the colleague, usually a woman, whose child and childcare spills over into the workplace. She's always late in due to some crisis with the children, has to go early to take the children to an appointment, when the child is ill (which seems to be on a weekly basis) she's always running off half way through the morning to pick the child up when it's ill, always off on snow days, and gets the pick of the holidays, because she need school holiday time.


All this type of behaviour puts more pressure on the rest of the colleagues - maybe the adverse comments stem from the fear that there's going to be another one of 'those' women.


Everyone accepts emergencies happen, and these need not be child related. For example it could be an elderly relative that needs immediate attention.


But when the emergencies become the norm, then the individual needs to address their working pattern and consider when to drop their hours or give up altogether.


All this is a possible cause of a bad reaction in the work place when it comes to children

snowleopard61

Jagraf wrote: »

I don't get this own child v adopted child at all, except in an egotistical way. That guy obviously just loved his own genes.

He shouldn't have said what he said, of course, least of all in those circumstances. But I don't think the feelings behind it are that uncommon. For at least some of us, the desire to have children is an instinct – call it an animal instinct if you like, but that’s how it is. For the same reason, for some of us, adoption or fostering could never be a substitute. Instinct is very hard to explain, but it is why I could never have made a good adoptive mother. Every time they did something that annoyed me (and my own, now grown-up children drove me up the wall many times) I would have felt, deep down, “He/she isn’t really mine anyway”. For the same reason I found it stomach-churning to change nappies or wipe bottoms when looking after someone else’s small child (though I did it conscientiously and kindly), but never batted an eyelid when the child was my own, because I felt bonded to them.

But it is a very good thing that we are not all the same, and that some people are able to give adopted or fostered children the love they need.

cyantist

catkins wrote: »

With such a variety of contraception you would think only people who wanted children would have them but that's not necessarily true. I know of couples that have had children with no real thought or discussion but "because its the norm".

I also know of couples where only one of them wanted a child but they had one or more anyway. I'm not too sure that they are all wonderfully happy or wouldn't change things if they could.


Also in the past when there was not so much choice of contraception or it was more unreliable or even when there was none at all I am pretty sure there were some people that did not want or love their child.

OH's mum only ever wanted a girl. She had OH and, obviously, was not happy so her and OH's dad adopted a girl. My OH said he never felt love (was never told that they loved him) but from the day his sister came into the house he was treated badly - ignored, beaten.

He is now 60 and his sister 52 and nothing has changed except OH has no contact now with his mum or sister (his dad is dead).

I completely agree. Having heard about some of the children who require adopting, they obviously weren't wanted and I imagine it was much worse back when there were less other options available. My statement about why would people do that, is more in response to the original post, and the posters who think that a couple should have children just because one of them wants to. They are giving up a lot (their time, money, sleep, freedom) and why should they do that just so their partner can have another child?

FBaby

It is that sort of behaviour (luckily I don't come across idiots like that very often at all) that make some childless women defensive and appear rude.

Surely anyone so thick they couldn't have picked up on the vibes, not consider for a second that adoption was a choice resulting from fertility issues, going on about the matter would most likely make as stupid comments about many other subjects of discussion?

When I am faced with a real idiot, nothing they can say can upset me, even if touching a sensitive cord because it is obvious that it is not about me but about them.

Jagraf

happyandcontented wrote: »

Of course, but it is not quite the same. The element of total responsibility because you have brought that child into the world or parented it from an early age adds another/different dimension.

I am not quite sure why that is a contentious statement, but it does appear that those who are childfree/less would rather that it was not said. It is a bond that is not exactly replicated by any other relationship, in my opinion of course.

Again, it is a choice that is very personal and should not be questioned by others.

Clearly very many parents do not feel responsible for their children, and clearly parental love doesn't need to stem from a young age. I don't think it is contentious, I just think that everyone experiences love differently, so you may feel its a different kind of love, but others don't.

As I say, all love is experienced differently from one person to the next. One type of spousal love can be as strong as a parent child love.

I suppose the only difference is that biological parenting is essentially egotistical.

AubreyMac

heartbreak_star wrote: »

I once got told I would never know what real love is because I will never hold my own baby. (Imagine that said with drama and flounce.)

Apparently there's only one kind of love in the world.

Silly woman.

Thankfully, the other people in the room were as hopelessly bemused by this as I was and we just continued chatting about how our lives were going.

HBS x

I was once told that unconditional love can only be experienced with your parents or children. Some mothers I know believe this.


BS I say.

Jagraf

AubreyMac wrote: »

I was once told that unconditional love can only be experienced with your parents or children. Some mothers I know believe this.


BS I say.

BS I say too

Person_one

happyandcontented wrote: »

I think it is subjective, but it is very different, and I think that stems from feeling responsible for the existance and sustenance of another from the beginning of their life.

With a partner, they are an equal and you meet them, you have not been in their lives from the off, so the love does not have the same parameters.

So saying that if you have not had a child you can't know love is clearly wrong, but saying that if you haven't had a child you can't know that specific kind of love is not.

It is the Lioness type of love (in general) and most of us do not feel that kind of protectiveness about our romantic loves.

Even if you absolutely think something is true, that doesn't mean you have to go around saying it. If its insensitive, or hurtful, or patronising, does the fact that you believe it mean its ok?