Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

AubreyMac

I'm childless through circumstances (of not meeting the right partner) and I've not yet had the urge to have a baby so bad that I have really put myself out there to find a partner. I'm not bothered about having them.


I have one friend tell me she regrets having her kids. For many years she struggled with motherhood but did not want to admit this because it would be so taboo and scandalous for a mother to admit to not liking her children. So she just got on with it and started drinking to supress her resentment.


Although she didn't say it out loud that she doesn't want her kids, she showed it in her behaviour and demeanour and her kids picked up on this. Her drinking got worse and as soon as her kids were old enough to leave they did. Her oldest (son) is now not talking to her.


Her daughter has recently re-connected and told her mother that she ruined her life.


Her son has deep resentment issues and does not have much respect for women, especially those in an authorative role.


My friend's husband is a weak willed and timid but sweet man. Their children resent him too for staying with her.


It all came to a head when she crashed her car into a fence after drinking in the morning, she finally went to AA and in-house detox programme followed by rehab. Part of her alcohol recovery was dealing with her suppressed resentment and she admitted regretting having her children and how being a mother (when she is naturally not maternal at all) has ruined her. She has not and I'm not sure if she will ever, say this directly to her kids. She couldn't face it.


So why did she have kids? Her culture and upbringing meant getting married and having kids was just the expected way of life. It never occurred to her it wasn't an option to not have them.


I think there are many more people (although it's rare) who do regret having kids but you don't hear about it because it's just unthinkable for a mother to openly admit to this.


Socially, it's ok to say you regret not having kids though.

duchy

I think sometime's there's a bit of a misconception.

A shy person is convinced if they walk into a crowded room - everyone will stare at them
The reality is some people will glance at them and then go back to what they were doing.

The reality and the shy person's expectation simply don't match - although there's a tiny bit of crossover with a glance exaggerated into staring .

It's the same with the Children question. You are assuming people are thinking something they are unlikely to be thinking or care about.

"Do you have children ? Is a normal social conversation query. In most situations the questioner really doesn't care any more than you care if they have children or not.

Possible responses - "No we don't......<smile> So how do you know our hosts ? " normal social conversation continues in the quest for common ground to converse about.

"No" said with a glare .....the other person is instantly thinking "Have I offended them...... have they lost a child ? hate children, are infertile OMG what do I say" Conversation either comes to a halt or you've made the questioner so uncomfortable they start blathering to fill the gap - and yes that blathering may well be about children

"No We don't want them " Questioner is either thinking " TMI " or again is made to feel uncomfortable.

If childfree people were to remember most people are only asking for politeness sake and you didn't turn it into a perceived attack on lifestyle choice you'd probably find these conversations easier . Most people really don't care enough to make a thing of it and option one makes social interaction farr nicer for everyone.

tea_lover

And if people in general were to remember that there are far more interesting (and less potentially upsetting) subjects to make small talk about this wouldn't be a problem.

Person_one

Honestly Duchy, you may not believe us, but if you do a very quick google it won't take you long to see that there are definitely some strange and uncharitable attitudes out there towards women without children. What is your vested interest in denying this?

Most people, yes, are perfectly polite and it's not a big deal. In fact, as most Brits tend towards the self-deprecating it usually goes like this.

"So, do you have kids?"
"No, far too much like hard work for me! I stick with being auntie so I get the fun bits then hand them back"
"That sounds ok, I've got three under 6 and they drive me crazy!"
"Wow, I don't know how you do it! So do you come to this model aeroplane club/Mongolian throat singing choir/dogging park very often?"

However, there's a sizeable minority of people who think it's appropriate to grill you, to insult you or to try and change your mind. You not believing they exist, unfortunately does not mean tha they don't!

I won't even mention the media/politicians/religious figures etc. and the attitudes they can display on the subject...

duchy

Goldiegirl wrote: »

When you consider there's threads about all stages of pregnancy, trying to conceive, preparing to try to conceive, waiting to try to conceive, trying to conceive when it's becoming a problem and whole sub forums for mums and dads, it could be argued that the people who have/want children have even more time on their hands if they're posting on all those threads!
:rotfl:


n

Yes there are - but I don't read them as they aren't relevant to me at my present life stage .......... There's also entire fora devoted to football- I don't read those either and wouldn't even if I had lots of spare time

That doesn't mean I can't converse with people who do -it just means we find other topics that interest us both to converse about -or it's a far shorter conversation LOL

I work on the phones and my job is a lot easier if I can build some rapport with my callers. My boss jokes I get told everyone's life story because I'm adept at finding common ground and making the customer's comfortable . It's a transferable skill

duchy

Oh you'll always get the "over focused" and if you can't divert them - you end the conversation. If they think you are rude - well do you really care as you clearly have nothing in common with them anyway,

It's trickier if you have to interact with them - say at work - but most of us can make ourselves appear busy as they approach and limit their blathering

As for people on the net- well that's what the block or ignore features are for :rotfl:

My comments were aimed at the posters who claim "every person with kids I meet insist on interrogating me on why I don't have/want kids" I do believe that if that happens to you then there are things you are doing that provokes this.

Person_one wrote: »

Honestly Duchy, you may not believe us, but if you do a very quick google it won't take you long to see that there are definitely some strange and uncharitable attitudes out there towards women without children. What is your vested interest in denying this?

Most people, yes, are perfectly polite and it's not a big deal. In fact, as most Brits tend towards the self-deprecating it usually goes like this.

"So, do you have kids?"
"No, far too much like hard work for me! I stick with being auntie so I get the fun bits then hand them back"
"That sounds ok, I've got three under 6 and they drive me crazy!"
"Wow, I don't know how you do it! So do you come to this model aeroplane club/Mongolian throat singing choir/dogging park very often?"

However, there's a sizeable minority of people who think it's appropriate to grill you, to insult you or to try and change your mind. You not believing they exist, unfortunately does not mean tha they don't!

I won't even mention the media/politicians/religious figures etc. and the attitudes they can display on the subject...

KxMx

Childless people are perfectly happy to respond to polite questions then steer the conversation another way.

It's the repeated condescending, pat on the head assumptions that you'll change your mind, you are not complete without kids, you don't know true happiness unless you're a mother, poor you being childless, you'll have no one to look after you in your old age (seriously) that gets your back up, and leads sometimes to a defensive and confrontational attitude.

My cousin has always been open about not wanting kids, people just can't understand, when she became an Auntie everyone started asking her again if she'd changed her mind "now that you can see how lovely babies are".

When it gets really bad, even a polite question is likely to get your back up and attitude out, because you're so blooming sick of the motherhood m a f i a

:rotfl:




It took my own Mum a long time to take me seriously about no children due to health issues, even though she sees every single day just how those health issues impact me. I struggle to look after her for a few days when she is sick yet she though I wasn't serious about not being able to cope with a child?? Also, I have a brother and it's not my fault he is hopeless at relationships!

duchy

tea_lover wrote: »

And if people in general were to remember that there are far more interesting (and less potentially upsetting) subjects to make small talk about this wouldn't be a problem.

Politics
Religion
Immigration

That sort of thing ?

Seriously what are the safe topics ?

Weather ? (cue the global warming debate)
What you watched on TV last night ? (cue rant on how they hate Eastenders/Paxman / Simon Cowell and how the government control what we watch - censorship etc)
The countryside (hunting, fracking etc)

If someone wants to be stroppy they will do it with any topic and no one would ever have conversations. I've had perfectly civilized conversations with strangers about politics and had people get quite worked up about the most innocuous of subjects. It's about the person not the topic.

euronorris

Duchy, whilst I agree that people can get worked up about any subject, it is also true that there are plenty of rude/insensitive people out there too.


I worked with two ladies in my previous job. Both lovely. One already had 2 kids, the other was going through IVF to try and conceive (having already lost a fallopian tube due to an ectopic pregnancy). Unfortunately, the one with kids, whilst lovely, could be very insensitive at times. It was not uncommon for her to say things like 'Better get a move on, you don't want to end up a baron Karen!' to me, and the other lady! And yes, she knew the other lady's struggles. With certain topics, she seemed to have no filter! That as a bl00dy rude thing to say to anyone, let alone someone struggling to conceive!


So I can well believe that some people are equally rude to those who are child free by choice.

Goldiegirl

duchy wrote: »

My comments were aimed at the posters who claim "every person with kids I meet insist on interrogating me on why I don't have/want kids" I do believe that if that happens to you then there are things you are doing that provokes this.

I think you are exaggerating a tad here.


I don't think any body has said that EVERY person they meet grills them about their decision not to have children.


People are just talking about experiences that they've had over the years - it's not necessarily something that happens every day!