Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

Petra_70

dirty_magic wrote: »

I do get fed up of explaining myself and people feeling like they need to 'persuade' me to have kids.

All I ever seem to hear is parents complaining about their sleepless nights/lack of social life/inability to eat a meal uninterrupted/lack of relaxing holidays etc.

And yet they still try to tell me I should have them. If I point out that they complain all the time they just say ' Oh but it's worth it'. I just don't think it is to be honest!

I have literally NEVER heard anybody say that. I have 2 children, and have never said - or thought that. Indeed, holidays were great with just me and my hubby, (peaceful and relaxing,) but are actually even better, and way more fun with the children. We have had adventures with them that we would never have had. I have done things over the last 12-14 years that I had not done for 25-35 years, and my kids have introduced me to all sorts of exciting and fun things. So this assumption that when you have kids, your life becomes horrible, dull, not relaxing, and is basically finished, is so wrong that it's laughable.

I agree with the people who are saying that it's funny how so many childless people seem to experience an inordinate amount of parents moaning about their children all the time. I literally never hear it, and I never did before I had my 2 kids either.

Yes of course they can be exasperating at times, but no more than your partner, or your parents, or your siblings, or your friends, or your neighbours, or your pets. We ALL get aggrieved and annoyed by the people around us at times. We are all human you know!

I suspect that the childless on here have heard a couple of people say once or twice 'I will ring little Johnny's neck if he doesn't quit turning up the heating to 25 every night!' and 'Little Julie keeps hogging the remote; little swine.' And the childless -(who tend to be extremely defensive,) conveniently hear this as 'I wish I had never had kids.' I also agree that there is a chance they may be saying things to make you feel better because they feel sorry for you. That is not outside the realms of possibility.

Don't have children by all means, but stop trying to convince yourself that people with them have a miserable existence, no sex life, no fun, no money, rubbish holidays, and a bad relationship with their partner. Frankly, it's making people look bitter and spiteful, making all these kind of comments, that are frankly, WAY off the mark. My life, and my husband's life, was great before we had kids, but life is just as good WITH them; if not better. If I could go back 20 years, I would not change a THING.

duchy wrote: »

I think it is based on life experience

When I was child free I knew people who had children who found them hard work and said things like " I wish we'd waited to have children until we'd bought a house/, travelled a bit / had got more established in our careers. That however didn't mean they wished they hadn't had their children - just that with hindsight they have done things a bit differently (and who -with hindsight doesn't think that about some aspect of their life).
I never had anyone say to me they wished they'd never had their children - Not one single person.

Once I had a child - I'd hear the same thing.......

I do think some people who are childless are quite defensive and quite rude.
"I'd never want children - they are revolting"
"I don't need children to keep me in my old age as I've made provision for myself"

Both are comments I've heard - and whether the sentiments of either statement are true - in my opinion it's blooming rude to denigrate someone else's life choices. .

Good post :T Especially the bit I bolded.

I agree that some childless people can be very defensive and judgemental.

FBaby wrote: »

I too feel that many childfree people can get very defensive and take it as a personal attack when people ask them why. The reality is that it is a natural curious instinct to ask anyone why they are not doing something that is considered the norm. It's nothing to do with having children or not, it is just understanding why someone feels differently to the majority of people.

I can imagine saying that you would do things differently with children, but it could be maybe having less, or having them at an older age, or having them with a different man, or having them when able to be a SAHM etc... rather than just saying they wished they had stay child free. Or even then, it could be something said after a very bad day which would be retracted just a few hours later after a lovely cuddle with your child telling you how much they love you.

Also a good post! :T

duchy

Goldiegirl wrote: »

When you consider there's threads about all stages of pregnancy, trying to conceive, preparing to try to conceive, waiting to try to conceive, trying to conceive when it's becoming a problem and whole sub forums for mums and dads, it could be argued that the people who have/want children have even more time on their hands if they're posting on all those threads!
:rotfl:


I don't think it does any harm for child free people to discuss their experiences from time to time - and, as is normal, people have had different experiences.



I agree with your last paragraph - personally I'm very comfortable with my choice to not to have children


In the past I occasionally had people asking when I was going to have children (the first time was two weeks after I got married, which rather shocked me). Apart from my husbands busybody aunts nobody ever made an issue out of me saying that I wasn't intending to have children. These days, if making smalltalk, and I'm asked if I have children, I find that saying 'no' makes older people look uncomfortable, as if they've stumbled on a sadness. Although I'm comfortable with my choice, out of kindness to them I just say that it was my choice, and go on to a different topic of conversation

You misunderstood- Not too much time on their hands to post ......too much time to dwell over things people say , chew them over and pick at what they said and feel resentful.
Life is too short !!

As for people asking you if you were planning a family- with so many people not bothering to get married until they want children or one is on the way -it's not an unexpected question especially if you've been living together for quite a while.

Rebel_Cause

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Playing Devil's Advocate. Maybe if anyone ever HAS said to child free people that they're lucky not to have kids, and they wish they hadn't had them; blah blah blah, maybe they're saying it to make the child free person feel better because they feel bad for them having no children.

Maybe a few people with children DO regret having them, but I have never ever ever heard anyone say it to me. (I am child free.)

I would imagine that one would be far more likely to regret NOT having them, than actually having them. Even if soooooo many people tell YOU that they regret having them.

I find it quite incredible how child free by choice people, and people who don't much like children, seem to know so many parents who tell them that they wish they had never had children. I am struggling to believe this. I mean WHY would so many people admit it, even if they DID feel like this? Especially to a child free by choice person.

I am also childfree. I have a friend with children - all unplanned, she told me if she had the chance she could have terminated the pregnancies or not been a mother in the first place. She said there was something missing from her life. She is currently pregnant now - again unplanned, and said 'Who was I trying to kid being a parent?' The one she is carrying at the moment she refers to as 'this/the kid' It is quite sad really. The father of the children said to her "You should be happy, you will get a year off work!" This friend, in front of her partner asked me if and when am I going to have kids! I said never, I like my freedom and life as it is. I notice on her social media all she does is post how wonderful it is being a mother. She moans that her partner just spends his time playing computer games than the children he has sired. She said to me that I am the only one who understands her and she can be honest and herself with me.

I have another friend who has children, she never said she regrets having them, she just complains she has no time to herself, how badly behaved her teenage daughter and how hard it is raising an autistic son is and how her mother doesn't help with babysitting....but she says it is all worth it etc. I am her friend and I just listen to her frustrations.

I do not feel that when parents say to me 'I don't blame you for not having kids' that they are feeling sorry for me. If anything I have had people tell me that I am selfish. Ask a parent why they wanted childen, their answer will be "I wanted... " No child is asked to be born so who is the selfish one? Besides, I do not care what other people think of me, it is my life, I am the one who has to live it so I will make the choices that please me, not others. I would never dictate to anyone else how to live their life and what life choices they should make.

I see it on a regular occurence on Twitter and the incessant amount of parents on there on the childfree hashtag bragging about managing to dump the kids on someone to try and discover who they are, without the kids. Being a parent and calling yourself childfree is mutually exclusive. There was an article in the Daily Mail on the Femail section saying that women who are childless are going to ruin Britain. This is the same paper that bashes people who have several children with the comment section flooded with statements like 'so this is where my taxes is going?' You cannot win.

I would have discussed right at the start of the relationship whether I wanted children or not. If my partner wants them years down the line, then things would have to come to an end unfortunately. Things like that are a dealbreaker for any relationship.

Goldiegirl

duchy wrote: »

You misunderstood- Not too much time on their hands to post ......too much time to dwell over things people say , chew them over and pick at what they said and feel resentful.
Life is too short !!

As for people asking you if you were planning a family- with so many people not bothering to get married until they want children or one is on the way -it's not an unexpected question especially if you've been living together for quite a while.

Life is indeed too short - that's why I made my choices and got on with living life


But I still think that childfree people should be allowed to comment on experiences that they've had, without being accused of dwelling on it or being resentful. They are not resentful - they are happy with their lives and find it odd when parents don't really believe a person can be happy without children

I got married in 1981, when it was the norm for people not to live together before marriage. I'd just started a job, and was speaking to one of my new colleagues - I mentioned that I had got married a couple of weeks ago, and she immediately asked when I was having children. Considering I was barely married and barely know her, I thought it was a bit nosy to be honest! However, she was heavily pregnant and in later years was known for never talking about anything but her children. I'm guessing she was one of those people so consumed by children she assumed everybody was the same as her. When doing small talk I never ask about children or grandchildren - it never crosses my mind really.

Goldiegirl

Petra_70 wrote: »

Don't have children by all means, but stop trying to convince yourself that people with them have a miserable existence, no sex life, no fun, no money, rubbish holidays, and a bad relationship with their partner. Frankly, it's making people look bitter and spiteful, making all these kind of comments, that are frankly, WAY off the mark. My life, and my husband's life, was great before we had kids, but life is just as good WITH them; if not better. If I could go back 20 years, I would not change a THING.

Wow, that sounds defensive! Maybe it's the parents who are the defensive ones, not the childfree
:rotfl:

I haven't read anything on here to suggest that the childfree think they are having a better life than the parents, A parent may have a different live to a child free person, but as long as the individual is happy with the choices, what's the problem


I've no interest in imagining how bad or good a parents life may be - I made my choice and I'm content - why waste energy thinking about something that is no concern of mine

FBaby

I have a friend with children - all unplanned, she told me if she had the chance she could have terminated the pregnancies or not been a mother in the first place. She said there was something missing from her life. She is currently pregnant now - again unplanned, and said 'Who was I trying to kid being a parent?' The one she is carrying at the moment she refers to as 'this/the kid' It is quite sad really. The father of the children said to her "You should be happy, you will get a year off work!" This friend, in front of her partner asked me if and when am I going to have kids! I said never, I like my freedom and life as it is. I notice on her social media all she does is post how wonderful it is being a mother. She moans that her partner just spends his time playing computer games than the children he has sired. She said to me that I am the only one who understands her and she can be honest and herself with me.

She sounds a bit emotionally disturbed to me. If indeed she was so adamant that being a mother was not what she wanted in life, surely she would have made sure she didn't get pregnant. Women who really really don't want children don't have multitude unplanned pregnancies. It sounds like she doesn't really know what she wants, leaves it to Mother Nature and then tries to get people to feel sorry for her for what she has to take on against her own choices. I personally wouldn't have much time for such a friend.

If anything I have had people tell me that I am selfish

Totally agree, deciding to become a parent is almost always a selfish decision before anything else. I had children because I wanted them. It is now that I can look back and feel thankful that I was also able to provide a very good childhood for my children because before I had them, I didn't fully appreciated that the little thing growing inside of me would one day become an adult and be so much longer than the child I was about to become responsible for.

It certainly is no more selfish to decide to not have children.

duchy

Had I remained childfree I'd be wealthier in terms of finance for sure. Having a son with a disability and a husband who
couldn't cope with having a child with said disability stopped my (already high level) career dead in its tracks.

That said I could have had an accident or developed a disability -and still have come off my career path.
Having children is a choice (and I think the lady with multiple undesired pregnancies is either having the poster on or needs some serious help with her mental health) and I don't regret the choice I made - however equally had things worked out differently I don't think I'd have had regrets either. Some people blame everything and everything for their lives not been perfect - and other accept life is like that - and perfection is over-rated (and possibly a bit boring and predictable)

I don't tell people having kids is wonderful (although often it is) nor do I say that not having a child is a sad and lonely way to live ( although for some people it is). There's no right or wrong however to still even remember a casual comment from over thirty years ago and still resent it - is very strange in my world especially when that comment came from an aquaintance and not anyone close. Really - does it matter ?

Person_one

Duchy, if you'd stayed childfree/less past 30 you might have started to appreciate why it gets a bit wearing at times. It can't just be a few of us getting defensive or over-thinking it, or the writer/producers of the Bridget Jones books/films wouldn't have made so much money.

dirty_magic

I've had two people who are childless by choice tell me that they wish they had one. Also one older lady told my mum that she is lucky to have grandchildren. It turns out that although she did not want children she is envious of all her friends who are now all grandparents.

Having a child doesn't always mean you'll get grandchildren, just ask my mother! She'd love them but it's not going to happen!

Person_one

dirty_magic wrote: »

Having a child doesn't always mean you'll get grandchildren, just ask my mother! She'd love them but it's not going to happen!

Having grandchildren does look like much more fun than having children, I have to say. Its a shame you can't skip straight to that in some ways!