Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

Person_one

Pollycat wrote: »

Not only that, I think it's incredibly rude to think that the only reason for having children is to look after you in your old age.

You do though, get comments from parents about how if you're childfree you'll end up lonely and neglected in your old age. I think that sort of response is usually in answer to those accusations rather than out of the blue on its own.

If I'm honest, I'm not usually bothered by being asked, as long as people are willing to accept my jokey answer and move on with the conversation, which they usually are.

Its when they start telling you to change your mind (this does happen I promise: "When you meet the right man those feelings just come", "Wait and see, when you hit 35 you'll hear the ticking", "There's no love like it, once that baby's in your arms you'll forget all that" etc etc.

duchy

Quite honestly I'm starting to think some of the childless people on this thread have too much time on their hands.

I was child free until I was thirty - Did people ask me now and again ask me if I had children or was planning on a family. My answer was I had no plans for children at this point in life and the conversation moved on.

My parents didn't have the grandparent fixation and never asked (although were absolutely delighted with and adored their first grandson when I produced him at the age of thirty one.)

My friends- some had kids and some didn't ......... No big deal to any of them - we were friends not clones.

I worked fulltime, I had a great social life, I travelled both for work and play I didn't have time to worry what other people thought I should be doing with my life. Of course I had the conversation with friends who found motherhood fufilled them -and if I'm honest I didn't really get it - because it wasn't on my agenda at all. I didn't really expect to have children - but I guess I hadn't totally ruled it out in my head either - as one day I simply felt it was time and we decided to try for a child .

Did I come across people who thought I "should" have children -probably - but it never stayed with me so I guess I was confident enough in my own choices that it didn't bug me enough for me to carry it with me. I suspect I'm like Polly - It wasn't an issue for me so when people did ask ......I simply didn't remember afterwards -it was just one of those social questions people ask like "where do you live" "what's your profession" etc and never placed any particular importance on the question or felt uncomfortable about it.

Ultimately if you are comfortable with your choices so are other people. If you come across as defensive or judgemental about other people making a different choice to you - then inevitably it will be more likely to provoke more questions and prolong the topic.

catkins

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Playing Devil's Advocate. Maybe if anyone ever HAS said to child free people that they're lucky not to have kids, and they wish they hadn't had them; blah blah blah, maybe they're saying it to make the child free person feel better because they feel bad for them having no children.

Maybe a few people with children DO regret having them, but I have never ever ever heard anyone say it to me. (I am child free.)

I would imagine that one would be far more likely to regret NOT having them, than actually having them. Even if soooooo many people tell YOU that they regret having them.

I find it quite incredible how child free by choice people, and people who don't much like children, seem to know so many parents who tell them that they wish they had never had children. I am struggling to believe this. I mean WHY would so many people admit it, even if they DID feel like this? Especially to a child free by choice person.

As I said, I am child free - although I intend to have a baby soon, and no-one ever says it to me ... (and no-one knows I am planning one, or that I even want one...)

You seem to be mad keen to convince everyone Catkins, that sooooo many parents have told you they wish they hadn't had children. Why?

I am incredibly flattered by the way, that you have such an amazing recollection of previous threads of mine.

No, I have never had anyone tell me I am lucky not to have children BUT I have had men and women tell me if they could go back in time they would choose NOT to have any. I have lived in 4 different counties in this country and abroad so have met many many people. I can assure you it was not just a few people that said it to me.


No one needs to make me feel better because I feel fine with my decision not to have children and my friends and relatives know that.



No one has ever said to you that they would choose not to have children. Maybe that is because they know you would pour scorn on them or accuse them of lying.


For your information I love children. The reason me and OH decided not to have any was certainly not because we did not like them. There were however many other reasons such as overpopulation and reasons personal and relevant to us. You are extremely rude to believe all people that choose to be childfree dislike children.


Why would so many more people regret not having children if it were their choice? We are not talking people who, for whatever reason, are unable to have children we are talking people who choose to be childfree. Even if it were true surely it is far better to regret not having a child then have one and then regret it?


If anything it is you that is intent on proving that no one ever regrets having children, that if they so they do they are lying or just trying to be sympathetic to the poor childless person who is going to be so lonely one day and regret like crazy their decision.


I remember your posts about childfree people just because you were so adamant then that no one ever regrets having children. I asked you then and will again now what about all the children that are abused or killed? Do you not think those parents regretted having them?


Look online at forums that are for people who have children but regret it. There is even a facebook page for them. There have been surveys as well. I guess though that with your blinkered views you think all those people are lying.

duchy wrote: »

Quite honestly I'm starting to think some of the childless people on this thread have too much time on their hands.

I was child free until I was thirty - Did people ask me now and again ask me if I had children or was planning on a family. My answer was I had no plans for children at this point in life and the conversation moved on.

Did I come across people who thought I "should" have children -probably - but it never stayed with me so I guess I was confident enough in my own choices that it didn't bug me enough for me to carry it with me. I suspect I'm like Polly - It wasn't an issue for me so when people did ask ......I simply didn't remember afterwards -it was just one of those social questions people ask like "where do you live" "what's your profession" etc and never placed any particular importance on the question or felt uncomfortable about it.

Ultimately if you are comfortable with your choices so are other people. If you come across as defensive or judgemental about other people making a different choice to you - then inevitably it will be more likely to provoke more questions and prolong the topic.

Maybe you were lucky but I not only was I asked lots of time if I had children, why I didn't, whether I was going to have them etc I was also told I was not normal, asked why I got married if I didn't want children, told I was not a proper woman (a doctor said that to me), asked if my husband had something wrong with him, told I would end up old and lonely etc etc.



All the nasty remarks and questions were from people I barely knew. My friends and relatives never questioned me and I told my family early on that we did not intend having children and they were all fine with it.


The guy that told me I was not normal was someone I was put to work with. Within half an hour or so of starting work he started with the questions - married/children etc. I was so annoyed I refused to work with him.


I am and always have been perfectly happy and comfortable with my choices but no way would I accept rude and personal comments from other people.


I have never been rude to anyone about them having children and only get defensive when people are rude. I don't understand though why it is supposedly acceptable to ask people why they don't have children. To ask that question of someone who does want them but is unable to have them must be incredibly hurtful.


To me, it is not the same as asking "where do you live" at all. Over the years I have lost count of how many people thought it was ok to ask about children and now I am in my 60's I get asked about grandchildren, not all the time but enough to annoy me

FBaby

Maybe we should start asking parents the same sort of questions so they get an idea of why its so annoying

But that's the point, it is common to be asked annoying questions about a personal choice, whether it is to do with children or not. I get ask similar questions all the time in relation to a particular aspect of who I am which I won't go into here (nothing saucy, just a case of identification!).

Sometimes I answer, in which case, it is going over and over the same thing, but I understand people's curiosity. If people want to discuss more because they are genuinely curious and interested then I don't mind elaborating and have a discussion with them. If however the conversation evolves with me feeling that I am starting to have to defend myself, then I usually cut the conversation short, usually by saying I have to go or by changing the subject matter. Other time I am not in the best of mood and don't want to get into either, so I say nothing from the start and make it clear that I don't want to discuss it.

You can't control how people are going to react to a situation but control how you deal with it or let it affect you.

dirty_magic

duchy wrote: »

Who on earth are you talking to that this turns into "Big discussions"

You must be feeding these discussions in some way for them to continue.

Under thirty - don't have kids is hardly unusual in this day and age after all.

Do you feel some need to explain your childlessness ? If so why ?

If the question comes up - answer the question "No I don't have children" and then change the subject .......not look at them expectantly waiting for them to ask why.

Friends, family and colleagues mostly. I don't look at them expectantly, and it doesn't usually start as a do you have children but a do you want children or when are you going to have them. At least when I'm 40 people might stop asking. It doesn't help that some of my family are very child orientated and I just feel like they go on about it all the time.

I probably do feel the need to explain it because it just annoys me tbh when a simple 'I don't want them' results in a load of reasons why I should.

DevilsAdvocate1

I always wanted children and it would have been a deal breaker to me.

It turns out that my ex-fiancee can't have children. We split up for other reasons, but had we got married we would not have stayed together.

I've had two people who are childless by choice tell me that they wish they had one. Also one older lady told my mum that she is lucky to have grandchildren. It turns out that although she did not want children she is envious of all her friends who are now all grandparents.

My husband did not want children. After we got married we had some pretty big arguments over it as he knew before we got married that it was very important to me. We now have 3 children. When our third was a few weeks old, my husband was looking after him while I caught up on some sleep. He didn't know I'd woken up and come downstairs. I caught him staring lovingly in our baby's eyes while gently stroking his face and he said "What would I do without you". It was such a lovely moment. I know I did the right thing in pushing him (I would not have had an "accident" with contraception, I wanted him to agree to it).

He's a great dad and there is no resentment even though he had to be pushed quite hard into becoming a parent.

Goldiegirl

In answer to fierystormcloud's post

Maybe if anyone ever HAS said to child free people that they're lucky not to have kids, and they wish they hadn't had them; blah blah blah, maybe they're saying it to make the child free person feel better because they feel bad for them having no children.

But there's no need to feel bad for a person who is child free by choice - because they've made the choice of their own free will and are happy with that choice.

I would imagine that one would be far more likely to regret NOT having them

No, that hasn't happened to me. Even from a very young age, I instinctively knew that having a child of my own wasn't for me, so I can't regret not doing something that wasn't right for me. I've now reached an age where I'm too old to have children.... and regrets still haven't kicked in - I think you'll just have to trust that people who are child free by choice know their own minds!

I find it quite incredible how child free by choice people, and people who don't much like children, seem to know so many parents who tell them that they wish they had never had children. I am struggling to believe this. I mean WHY would so many people admit it, even if they DID feel like this? Especially to a child free by choice person.

Over the last 35 years I've had two people who have confided in me that, if they had their time over again, they wouldn't have children. Two people are not exactly 'so many parents'! I think these people probably felt safe to admit it to me, as they knew I was child free by choice, and thought I'd be more sympathetic. But both these people were enduring some difficult teenage years with their kids, so I think they were just venting, rather than actually wanting to wish their kids out of existence

You seem to be mad keen to convince everyone Catkins, that sooooo many parents have told you they wish they hadn't had children. Why?

I am incredibly flattered by the way, that you have such an amazing recollection of previous threads of mine.

It's not just Catkins, I remember your previous posts too, so no need to feel too flattered. It's just that such vehement posts, coupled with a seeming inability to see any other point of view but your own does tend to leave an impression!

Goldiegirl

Pollycat wrote: »

Not only that, I think it's incredibly rude to think that the only reason for having children is to look after you in your old age.

My great aunt did say something similar to me when she'd heard that I didn't want children - this was probably around 1969 - but my reply was that her children could decide to emigrate and therefore wouldn't be around to look after her.

As for this;
"I'd never want children - they are revolting"
I'd never say that, I like children (the well behaved, interesting ones, that is) and have had a lot of joy from my niece & nephew and often chat to kids in the pub (I know :rotfl:).
Lots of people have said I'd have been great as a Mum but I like being able to hand them back when I've had enough.
But - I don't 'do' babies.
When my sister had her first, I peered into the cot, said 'Lovely. Bring her over to see me when she can walk and talk'.
And I wasn't entirely joking.:eek:

My husband's busybody old aunts favourite line was 'you'll have no one to look after you in your old age'


If that's a valid reason to have children, then I think that is shockingly bad


My personal attitude to children is that they are small people. As with all people, there's some I like and some that I don't - same with children


Not too fussed with babies - at work women would bring their latest baby in to be coo-ed over, and I'd be polite and have a look. But I'd have been more interested if they'd brought a kitten or puppy in! :rotfl:

Goldiegirl

Person_one wrote: »

Maybe we should start asking parents the same sort of questions so they get an idea of why its so annoying.

You have children? Why? What made you want them?

How come you had one/two/three/four/fifteen?

Aren't you worried they may ruin your marriage/sex life?

What if you end up estranged and in your old age they try and fleece you for your cash and stick you in a grotty old folks home?

I found that once I got into my 30's these sort of questions stopped, just in case there was something wrong, but these days, on the off chance anybody did ask, I'd take the approach of grilling them about their choice to have children. I reckon there'd be quite a lot of people that would struggle to answer, and many would be shocked, because a person's decision to HAVE children is never normally questioned

Goldiegirl

duchy wrote: »

Quite honestly I'm starting to think some of the childless people on this thread have too much time on their hands.

I was child free until I was thirty - Did people ask me now and again ask me if I had children or was planning on a family. My answer was I had no plans for children at this point in life and the conversation moved on.

My parents didn't have the grandparent fixation and never asked (although were absolutely delighted with and adored their first grandson when I produced him at the age of thirty one.)

My friends- some had kids and some didn't ......... No big deal to any of them - we were friends not clones.

I worked fulltime, I had a great social life, I travelled both for work and play I didn't have time to worry what other people thought I should be doing with my life. Of course I had the conversation with friends who found motherhood fufilled them -and if I'm honest I didn't really get it - because it wasn't on my agenda at all. I didn't really expect to have children - but I guess I hadn't totally ruled it out in my head either - as one day I simply felt it was time and we decided to try for a child .

Did I come across people who thought I "should" have children -probably - but it never stayed with me so I guess I was confident enough in my own choices that it didn't bug me enough for me to carry it with me. I suspect I'm like Polly - It wasn't an issue for me so when people did ask ......I simply didn't remember afterwards -it was just one of those social questions people ask like "where do you live" "what's your profession" etc and never placed any particular importance on the question or felt uncomfortable about it.

Ultimately if you are comfortable with your choices so are other people. If you come across as defensive or judgemental about other people making a different choice to you - then inevitably it will be more likely to provoke more questions and prolong the topic.

When you consider there's threads about all stages of pregnancy, trying to conceive, preparing to try to conceive, waiting to try to conceive, trying to conceive when it's becoming a problem and whole sub forums for mums and dads, it could be argued that the people who have/want children have even more time on their hands if they're posting on all those threads!
:rotfl:


I don't think it does any harm for child free people to discuss their experiences from time to time - and, as is normal, people have had different experiences.



I agree with your last paragraph - personally I'm very comfortable with my choice to not to have children


In the past I occasionally had people asking when I was going to have children (the first time was two weeks after I got married, which rather shocked me). Apart from my husbands busybody aunts nobody ever made an issue out of me saying that I wasn't intending to have children. These days, if making smalltalk, and I'm asked if I have children, I find that saying 'no' makes older people look uncomfortable, as if they've stumbled on a sadness. Although I'm comfortable with my choice, out of kindness to them I just say that it was my choice, and go on to a different topic of conversation