Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

missbiggles1

fierystormcloud wrote: »

This ^^^

I agree with what Peter and Euronorris are saying. People here are saying that if you love someone enough, and you want children and they don't; you will sacrifice your desire to have a child for them. But by that token, if the person who does NOT want a child loved their partner enough, then they would sacrifice 'their' wishes, and agree to have a child.

Some have said 'you can't make someone have a child,' but how is it any worse than depriving someone of one?

The child will have at least ONE parent who will love and want it, (which is more than some people get!) And the chances are high than the other parent will love the child; why wouldn't they? :huh:

It's unlikely I would stay with my husband if he flat out refused to have children.



Well precisely! Some people have this bizarre idea that once you have children, your marriage is ruined. I know many people with kiddies whose marriage is fine, and some without kiddies whose marriage failed. Of course having children puts a bit of a strain on a relationship to start with, but you adjust, and the children become part of your life.

Finally, I agree that society gives women a hard time if they don't have children over the age of 30. Pollycat has been very fortunate if she was never hounded for having no children. As someone said earlier; MEN don't get this treatment.

Would you actually tell him that and, if you did, how would he react?

If my husband had said that to me I think it would've been grounds for divorce on my part because it would just show that he loved the idea of having children more than he loved me and that would be untenable.

catkins

fierystormcloud wrote: »

This ^^^

I agree with what Peter and Euronorris are saying. People here are saying that if you love someone enough, and you want children and they don't; you will sacrifice your desire to have a child for them. But by that token, if the person who does NOT want a child loved their partner enough, then they would sacrifice 'their' wishes, and agree to have a child.

Some have said 'you can't make someone have a child,' but how is it any worse than depriving someone of one?

The child will have at least ONE parent who will love and want it, (which is more than some people get!) And the chances are high than the other parent will love the child; why wouldn't they? :huh:

Well precisely! Some people have this bizarre idea that once you have children, your marriage is ruined. I know many people with kiddies whose marriage is fine, and some without kiddies whose marriage failed. Of course having children puts a bit of a strain on a relationship to start with, but you adjust, and the children become part of your life.

I don't think it is enough to have one parent who wants and loves a child.


I think if one person doesn't want a child then the couple should not have one.


Me and OH chose not to have children but not because we don't like them. Admittedly I never had a yearning to have one but I just cannot imagine wanting something so much that it overcomes my love for OH.


To leave someone you supposedly love and want to spend the rest of your life with because you don't agree about having children just doesn't seem right. You could leave a marriage and then never find love again or never find someone who does want children. Or would you marry someone just because they did want a child even though you didn't love them as much as the person you left? That to me is sad


I don't agree that having a child is always the cause of marriage breakdowns but, be honest, often it is. A lot of divorced people have said that having children was the cause of the breakdown.


Of all the people I know or have met over the years by far the majority that are divorced are the ones with children. I know many childfree couples and almost all of them have been married for a long time (between 20 and 45 years) and to the same person!

Hermia

catkins wrote: »

You would think it would be something a couple would discuss before getting married but I think you would be surprised how many times it isn't.


I know quite a few couples who say they never discussed it beforehand. In most cases they wanted children and just assumed the other did and luckily that was true. I do know 4 couples though that discovered, after getting married, that one wanted children and the other didn't and they all ended up getting divorced.

I think it is surprisingly common. I know couples who didn't discuss things like where they eventually saw themselves living only to find one dreamed of a rural cottage and one couldn't bear to leave the city. I have also known couples who didn't discuss what they would do when children arrived and then found they were in completely disagreement re: how kids should be raised. I think people assume that if they love someone they will want the same things.

catkins wrote: »

I have been asked why I bothered getting married if I did not want children as that is the sole reason for getting married! I have also been told I am not normal and that I will be lonely if my husband dies before me. I have also had the "who will look after you when you are old" rubbish.

I used to work in a care home and most of the lonely people in there had kids. It wasn't that the kids had abandoned them it was just that the kids truly could not visit that often. Some kids were middle-aged and in too poor health themselves to travel. Some had had to move abroad because of their spouse's job. Some had ill kids who had to come first. Some were too poor to make that journey more than once a month. I saw some old people whose children had all died which is not that uncommon if someone reaches very old age.

surveyqueenuk

fierystormcloud wrote: »

The child will have at least ONE parent who will love and want it, (which is more than some people get!) And the chances are high than the other parent will love the child; why wouldn't they? :huh:

One of the most blinkered and irresponsible things I've ever heard on this forum. You're not seriously suggesting that people who do not want kids should have them on the offchance they might actually like them after all?

There are plenty of reasons why the person who was forced into parenthood might not love the child. They might resent the fact they were pushed into parenthood. They may genuinely dislike children. They may feel like the child has ruined their life because they didn't want it in the first place.

I can think of several people who have biological children and clearly didn't love them. Karen Matthews, Tracey Connelly and Magdalena Łuczak, amongst others.

Alikay

missbiggles1 wrote: »

If my husband had said that to me I think it would've been grounds for divorce on my part because it would just show that he loved the idea of having children more than he loved me and that would be untenable.

Or put another way in this "he wants kids, I don't" scenario, YOU might have loved the idea of remaining childless more than you loved HIM

duchy

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Would you actually tell him that and, if you did, how would he react?

If my husband had said that to me I think it would've been grounds for divorce on my part because it would just show that he loved the idea of having children more than he loved me and that would be untenable.

No it just meant he had discovered that you and he had possibly incompatible life goals and rather than ignore it it was better to discuss it (although it totally baffles me how anyone can get married without knowing if their future life partner well enough to know if they want children or not -I'd have to wonder what other "surprises" the couple have ahead)

It used to be couples getting married in church had several talks with the vicar before he'd marry them - Maybe there should be something similar in the form of a questionnaire at registry offices when people book their ceremony to avoid these kinds of surprises !!

FBaby

If my husband had said that to me I think it would've been grounds for divorce on my part because it would just show that he loved the idea of having children more than he loved me and that would be untenable.

Which is why in most situation as that, it does end up in divorce/separation, whether it is the one who wants to kids who decide to go ahead and try their luck elsewhere, or the one who doesn't want children who wants to be with someone who values the relationship over their desire to have a child.

No right or wrong, some matters just can't be reconciled.

LilElvis

duchy wrote: »

It was a prosaver post so not expected to make sense ......I was agreeing with you

Apologies! My brain isn't functioning too well today - sleep deprivation and hormones (or lack thereof) will do that to you.

euronorris

surveyqueenuk wrote: »

You're not seriously suggesting that people who do not want kids should have them on the offchance they might actually like them after all?

The opposite of this:


'You're not seriously suggesting that people who do want kids, shouldn't have them on the off chance they might be happy without them after all?'


I mean, instead it might make them deeply unhappy and hurt them so badly that they just can't get over it. But hey, it's OK, they should just swallow their feelings and be happy because they are in love. They should just take that chance and risk it.


Being in love with someone does not trump things that make you deeply unhappy! That's why these things are so important to discuss and agree on BEFORE you get married (on that part at least, I know we can all agree).


Small things you can overcome, sure. But giving up the chance to have children is not a small thing!

fierystormcloud

surveyqueenuk wrote: »

One of the most blinkered and irresponsible things I've ever heard on this forum. You're not seriously suggesting that people who do not want kids should have them on the offchance they might actually like them after all?

There are plenty of reasons why the person who was forced into parenthood might not love the child. They might resent the fact they were pushed into parenthood. They may genuinely dislike children. They may feel like the child has ruined their life because they didn't want it in the first place.

I can think of several people who have biological children and clearly didn't love them. Karen Matthews, Tracey Connelly and Magdalena Łuczak, amongst others.

Oh for goodness sake! Is that the best you can do?! Drag up several women who didn't care about their children! Good grief!

And as for my opinion being one of the most blinkered and irresponsible views ever; whatever! That is YOUR OPINION, and YOUR OPINION only.

Basically, you think it's fine for someone to sacrifice their desire to have a child for someone they love, who DOESN'T want them, but not fine for someone to sacrifice their desire to NOT have a child for someone they love! Double standards through and through.

Why is OK to sacrifice having children, but wrong to sacrifice NOT having children?

Thankfully the people I have quoted below can see sense, and can see what I am saying is perfectly OK, (as well as the posters I quoted earlier...)

Alikay wrote: »

Or put another way in this "he wants kids, I don't" scenario, YOU might have loved the idea of remaining childless more than you loved HIM

euronorris wrote: »

The opposite of this:

'You're not seriously suggesting that people who do want kids, shouldn't have them on the off chance they might be happy without them after all?'

I mean, instead it might make them deeply unhappy and hurt them so badly that they just can't get over it. But hey, it's OK, they should just swallow their feelings and be happy because they are in love. They should just take that chance and risk it.