Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

duchy

Three years is nothing - it may seem a lot in your early twenties but after that it's barely noticeable- some of his friends may have kids early others may wait and the rest will be in the middle.

FBaby

But he is effectively forcing her to NOT have one by saying 'we cannot be together if you insist on having a child.'

No he isn't! What he is forcing her to do is make a choice, me or a child, knowing that in both cases, nothing is guaranteed for life.

The reality of life is that all shape of changes take place. I know people who were adamant they didn't want a child who then changed their minds completely and became the most mumsy like parent. I know a couple of women who went behind their husband's back and got pregnant against their strong wishes (the famous 'accident') and then were lucky that their husband did become totally in love with the child and so grateful that they had not been listened to!

I also know someone who made it clear they didn't want a child and didn't change their mind for the rest of their lives, someone else who made that clear and broke off all contact when his partner got pregnant 'by accident'. There are those who both want a child together desperately, but when it doesn't happen make the best of their lives without children and are very happy that it didn't happen after all.

The only thing all have in common is that we can never be 100% certain what we or our partner will want later in life.

74jax

74jax wrote: »

My hubby and I knew from the moment we met I would never have another child and he didn't want any.

We got married after 8 years and I remember clearly both discussing it again. I'm happy with DD now nearly 18, and he is happy with none of his own.

If he wanted a child, it wouldn't be with me, we'd have to split. I wouldn't deny him the right to be a dad, but I wouldn't be the one having his child.

prosaver wrote: »

ok ask him ..say you want a child and see what he says..
hisown child is the best thing in the world ..you had one why not him?
sly

Sly?


Because when we first met I said I didn't want a child and he said there's no way on earth he would even consider being a father to a child of his. How on earth is that sly?

I had a child with my first husband because we wanted one. I don't see why that should mean I then want another?

Why would I say to him I want a child? I don't, the poor guy would freak and probably never sleep for a week.

He's a great step dad, that's as far as he wants to go.

Yet, if he changed his mind and did want a child in the future, I wouldn't pretend I did too. I'd let him find someone that could love him and give him what he wants. That would break my heart but wouldn't be me.

Sly? I really don't see how

Pollycat

duchy wrote: »

I think some women who don't want children sometimes say that -as society still frowns on a woman who doesn't want children. It's still more socially acceptable for a man to say he doesn't want kids than a woman-.

Do you really think that is the case?

From what I read, hear & see many women are choosing not to have children and I don't see society frowning on them.

Also, I made the choice not to have children many years ago - in the early 1970s when it was most definitey not the norm - and apart from the odd person who asked 'when are you going to start a family?' I did not feel that society frowned on me - even then.

Hermia

Pollycat wrote: »

Do you really think that is the case?

From what I read, hear & see many women are choosing not to have children and I don't see society frowning on them.

Also, I made the choice not to have children many years ago - in the early 1970s when it was most definitey not the norm - and apart from the odd person who asked 'when are you going to start a family?' I did not feel that society frowned on me - even then.

I think it is getting better, but I have been called selfish by people and had people imply that my feelings were unnatural. My favourite was the person who said I was no different to Myra Hindley!

I actually think the worst are the people who just say, "of course you want kids" and completely ignore what you say. There is something rather disrespectful about claiming someone does not know their own mind.

euronorris

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

It is not a question of his choice being more important.


You should not force someone to have a child if they do not want one. We are not talking about a possession but another life and that IMO is something that is undertaken too lightly sometimes.

I agree that no that no one should have a child if they don't want to. It's a disaster for all concerned, but mostly the child themselves.


But, SDW was suggesting that if you love someone enough, and they strongly don't want a child and you do, then that love will be enough for you to change your mind and be happy with not having a child. By that logic, then the partner who doesn't want a child should equally be able to change their mind out of love and be happy to become a parent.


Which I don't think is possible in either case to be honest. I don't think the love you have for your partner will make you happy to have, or not have, children, if it is something you really strongly don't want, or do want.


I think whether or not an agreement can be reached, that both partners are happy with, strongly relies on how badly one does, or doesn't want to become a parent. Not on how much someone loves someone else.

Pollycat

Hermia wrote: »

I think it is getting better, but I have been called selfish by people and had people imply that my feelings were unnatural. My favourite was the person who said I was no different to Myra Hindley!

I actually think the worst are the people who just say, "of course you want kids" and completely ignore what you say. There is something rather disrespectful about claiming someone does not know their own mind.

WOW!
Really?

I guess I've been lucky then.

LilElvis

prosaver wrote: »

ok ask him ..say you want a child and see what he says..
hisown child is the best thing in the world ..you had one why not him?
sly

So are those who are parents through adoption, gamete donation or as a step parent second best? Why do you think that having a biological connection is that important in a parent/child relationship? There are plenty of rubbish biological parents out there - the number of children placed in State care is the proof.

Perhaps 74Jax's husband was happy not to have a biological child because he already considers himself to be a parent to his stepdaughter, that he does have a child.

tea_lover

Pollycat wrote: »

Do you really think that is the case?

From what I read, hear & see many women are choosing not to have children and I don't see society frowning on them.

Also, I made the choice not to have children many years ago - in the early 1970s when it was most definitey not the norm - and apart from the odd person who asked 'when are you going to start a family?' I did not feel that society frowned on me - even then.

My experience is that society very much frowns on (and more to the point, doesn't understand at all) people without children. Whether that's childfree by choice or by circumstance - which let's face it is no one else's business anyway.

euronorris

Society is definitely harsh on this matter.


I've been asked repeatedly, since I was in my early 20's, when I was going to settle down and have children!! The assumption was that I MUST want those things. No other option was possible for me as a woman apparently. The same question was not asked of my male friends.