Would you end your marriage (or relationship,) if your partner didn't want children?

onlyroz

I can see how this could be a deal-breaker for many couples. I can also see how difficulties can arise if one half of the couple changes their mind, which of course they are perfectly entitled to do.


I think infertility is a separate issue. Saying "I would leave my partner if they were infertile" is not too far removed from saying "I would leave my partner if they became disabled".

euronorris

AubreyMac wrote: »

Different thread perhaps but I think a good question would be 'would you end your relationship if your partner COULDN'T have children'?

One of my friends brother really wanted kids and when he met his wife, who is 5 years older then him (he was 31 & she was 36 then) they married 18 months after meeting and tried for a baby straight away. Due to her age he wanted to get a move on and pretty much nagged her to death about it. First pregnancy resulted in miscarriage and although he loves her, he did say that if he never had his own biological children he believed he would feel upset for the rest of his life. They have kids now thankfully, but I always wondered whether they would have broken up if she was infertile.

If you want children, and are unable to have them biologically, I think it's only natural to feel sad about it for the rest of your life. It would be a hugely upsetting thing to experience.


That doesn't mean that he would blame her, or leave her for it though. It just means he'd have to mourn the loss of ever having biological children which would only be natural.


Personally, if DH hadn't wanted children then yes, it would've been a deal breaker. And no, it doesn't mean I love him any less. I've been very upfront about my desire to have children from the start, so if he hadn't have wanted them he had ample opportunity to make that known from the beginning before either of us got in too deep. It's very important to me.


Infertility is different. That would've been a bridge we would have had to face together (luckily we haven't had to), and go down the adoption route if it came to it. If, at the end of it, we were still unable to have a child then fair enough. We'd face that struggle together, that pain, that heartache, and move on together as best we could.


But I couldn't ever accept never trying.


As for Dani and Gary, I would hope that they had discussed this beforehand. Perhaps they did, perhaps they didn't. We don't know. As others have said, I suspect there is more to this story than we know. Maybe he told her he wanted another child, and has since realised he doesn't/never really did but didn't want to lose her. Maybe she told him she didn't want another child, and since realise she does/always really did but didn't want to lose him.


Only those two really know.

mumps

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Now, that's what I call getting a move on!

I think she must have been conceived that night:beer: we were just waiting for permission. Mind you it was so funny getting that sort of advice from a 14 year old that it was a wonder we stopped laughing for long enough to do the deed.

mumps

jackieblack wrote: »

Of course some, but not the majority, it can't just be assumed that someone would want to,


If your OH hadn't agreed to no. 3, would it have caused a problem?

Yes it would. I had my first two when I was very young and I thought that phase was over but I struggled for two or three years with a desperate desire for another baby. We were unsure as obviously we were at a stage where the children were almost adults and going back to square one was a big step, I also didn't want them to be upset maybe seeing it as them being replaced.

My husband became disabled during pregnancy number 4 and if we had waited we might have made a different decision. I ended up with a toddler, new baby and disabled husband so quite a difficult time. My husband got the diagnosis when baby no 4 was less than two weeks old. Toddler was with granny and I had baby with me, the Consultant was very reluctant to tell us the prognosis, he kept looking at me and the baby but we told him we needed to know. Not good news.

I wouldn't go back and do it any different although it hasn't been easy.

snowleopard61

I almost was in the situation where I had to make this decision. We had married young and our circumstances were such that we were united in the need to make sure we didn't have children at the time. When, about five years later, we were in a position to consider it, we found that my (then) husband had moved from not really thinking about it to not wanting children at all, while I had always felt - assumed - it was the natural and right outcome as soon as was practical. What actually happened was that I persuaded him to have children, on the basis that their practical care would be my sole responsibility, and this was pretty much how things were. Our different feelings about being parents were certainly a factor in eventually splitting us up, although that came many years later.

To answer the question - I don't think I could have brought myself to leave him, firstly because I loved him very much and secondly because I wouldn't have been at all confident of achieving the desired outcome with someone else instead. But then my anger and resentment would have torn me, and us, apart anyway (I remember, among the arguments at the time, even reminding him that as a Catholic I would be entitled to ask for an annulment on those grounds). I suppose to me marriage means family; the idea of a couple’s deliberately avoiding having children at all is foreign to me. It's probably more common, and more often discussed, now than it was at the time (early to mid 1980s).

Oddly, if he couldn’t have fathered children, I would have accepted that completely. It would have meant remaining childless because I would never have wanted to adopt or foster and IVF involves too much emotional uncertainty; yet I could have lived with never having a child in those circumstances. It was doing it by choice that I couldn’t accept.

missbiggles1

jackieblack wrote: »

She has a teenage daughter

Thanks - I thought she had.

So hardly the case of a childless woman thinking she'll never be a mother.

lazer

It would be a very difficult decision to leave a otherwise happy marriage because you want a child and your spouse doesn't.


Do you give up a happy relationship for only a possibility of having a child, you may never meet someone else to have a child with, infertility could be an issue etc, but if you stay in the marriage, will the resentment over not having a child ruin the marriage?


I think a lot of people marry young enough to say they will have a child in the future and then when the wife is ready the husband isn't or vice versa, so its not a case of it not being discussed before hand its a case of things changing

seven-day-weekend

If you love someone, but nevertheless leave them if they don't want children, how do you know you are ever going to love anyone again?

Or is it just a case of 'he/she will do to be the parent of my child' i.e the child would be more important than the partner?

tamuril

It's not a big deal for us now as we both do not want children. Will that change? Possibly. If DH did suddenly develop a longing for kids I would want him to find someone who wanted them as well.


I have a friend who wasted a decade of her life on a man who told her he did not want kids. She kept thinking he would change his mind once they became more committed. They broke up and she is still single and still childless. And very bitter and resentful- although it was her fault that she stayed with him for so long.


Seeing her now made me realise that if someone does have such a longing for children it is not in the best interests of the couple to try to stay together.

Gavin83

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I think though it is very different if the couple have fertility issues.

Of course. If it's just fertility issues then presumably they'll both be willing to explore other options. If it's just a desire not to have children then those other options won't exist. They're very different scenarios.

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I think Mrs Lineker did not love him enough.

(Before someone says why is it her fault, I think if one partner does not want a child then you should not have one, as that is preferable to having a child thatb one of the partnership does not want).

I don't want children but I think this is a little harsh. I see both views as equally valid and both equally responsible for the breakdown of the marriage.

Saying that I wouldn't see why you'd end a marriage if both partners already have children. Seems weird to me.

Person_one wrote: »

Its surprisingly hard to find a male partner who genuinely doesn't ever want children. They all seem to have vague romantic ideas about kicking footballs about with little boys without really having to think about the downsides or the hard work involved or the impact on the rest of their lives! I'd actually be far more likely to want children if I could be 'dad'.

I think the general assumption is that it's normally the women who want the babies and the men who don't. However, of all the couples I know where one partner wants children and the other doesn't, or isn't bothered, it's the man who really wants them.

I don't honestly believe a couple wouldn't discuss such an important matter before marriage. Therefore I can only conclude it's one of the following which causes an issue:

1) One partner being a bit dismissive of the matter, saying "we'll talk about it later" and then when later comes saying "I don't want them".

2) One partner being clear they don't want children and the other just assumes they'll change their mind in the future, or even worse they'll have an 'accident' and will have to deal with it.

3) One partner completely changes their mind, in either direction. It's probably far more common for a partner to decide they now want a child rather than the other way around.

I'm willing to bet option 2 is the most common but who knows.

I actually think option 3 is really harsh on the partner who hasn't changed their mind. They've built up this relationship and presumably put a lot of effort in and they're happy in the partnership only for it to be destroyed. I know people are perfectly entitled to change their mind on matters and no one has to stay in a relationship but I know who I'd feel more sorry for in this case.