Lazy Child

jjhr

fairy_lights wrote: »

How sad - he could have used that money to pay his way through uni, or as a deposit on a house, or gone travelling...I'm sure he regrets blowing it all now but that's no excuse to just give up.
Did you charge him rent when he had the inheritance, or even then did he contribute nothing?

He stopped speaking to us. He went wild. He dropped out of college and went on a rampage of self destruction with his mates in tow
He slept during the day and went out at night.
Of course we were angry at him for his behaviour, so he started to avoid us.
No rent was paid. he wouldn't do it.
We asked repeatedly

jjhr

tiger_eyes wrote: »

I'm not sure it's possible to leave an inheritance that can't be squandered by even the most determined beneficiary. You can wait until the beneficiary is 18 or 21 or 25 or even 30, but there's no age limit on pouring money down a drain. If you're really determined, you could set up a trustee who controls the money, but that's a recipe for resentment.

And could you tell me how I could have done that please?

BigAunty

Sounds like he's been able to stagnate because he's been cushioned from economic reality by being subsidised, protected from boredom because he can prioritise his interests (xbox) and had no need to address his anxiety issues because he's been cocooned from the usual stresses and strains of ordinary life, like housework and employment.

He may have dismissed the Job Centre for its unlikeable staff but he may be protecting himself from the reality that he is expected to take any job, quite likely to be low paid and mundane, due to his lack of skills, experience and qualifications. This doesn't fit with his unrealistic dreams of games designer. Anyone with any noddle knows the JC loses patience with claimants after a short period of discretion in what they can apply for so he probably knows the game will be up and he'll is most likely to be offered zero hour contracts with anti social hours in a low status/low paid job like a care home or call centre. He could also fear rejection, too, knowing that his CV is appalling and he might struggle to get any kind of starter/junior job. So he chooses to withdraw from this reality.

£57.90 is the weekly sum for JSA for his age group. A mature way to address his lack of financial contribution (instead of cutting off all services like broadband, meals etc) would be to sit with him and talk him through the household bills for food, energy, telecoms, council tax, etc, and that every penny would help.

Would you be able to coax him out of the house with a polite insistence that he looks into full time voluntary work which would boost his CV? He may very well be resistent, saying there's nothing that interests him or it doesn't make him any more employable. Be prepared to counter this with his need to be able to provide a prospective employer with a recent reference, examples of team work, customer service, communication and so on on an application form and at interview for virtually any role, plus its good for his skills/CV/confidence, gives him a structured routine and a social outlet.

prosaver

if you want to change him. do it very slowly..
he does littel jobs for you, expand on that.
you could make up work for him,
and there will be opportunity to go to shopping ( b and q )with him.
then you could say, oh it nearly dinner time, lets stop at a cafe.
remember small steps.
thats what i would do to my son,,i treat him like a friend,,we get on great...
and he nearly 18 so theres a rebel in him too, so it not all plain sailing

BigAunty

jjhr wrote: »

He stopped speaking to us. He went wild. He dropped out of college and went on a rampage of self destruction with his mates in tow
He slept during the day and went out at night.
Of course we were angry at him for his behaviour, so he started to avoid us.
No rent was paid. he wouldn't do it.
We asked repeatedly

Some parents would have dealt with this by giving a deadline with the ultimatum that he moves out if he doesn't comply, then changed the locks if the behaviour didn't improve and rent was not forthcoming.

Others would have just changed the lock there and then.

Mistral001

jjhr wrote: »

He wanted to do a job that involved gaming, but the course he was doing at college wasn't motivational enough. I did tell him years ago that if he wanted to create games, then he needs good qualifications in maths (degree). Or be good at designing, but he didn't listen.

He said that he would like to have a go at the hospitality industry. Front of house, waitering etc

His role models are probably people who he sees on the internet who are in the gaming industry. You know the guy who left school at 16 to set up his gaming business and is now a millionaire. They are role models that he probably identifies with. He probably cannot identify with average person in the gaming industry. The guy who, I imagine, has a talent for writing gaming programmes and does it as a job first and foremost.

prosaver

http://time.com/53748/how-to-motivate-people-4-steps-backed-by-science/
this is a good link..
im into self help books...
it makes life,
a helluva lot easier:beer::beer::beer:

BigAunty

When my brother started to lay in bed, and seemed reluctant to apply for jobs, my dad would tip him out of his bed when he went off to work at 8am and physically guide him out the door with the instruction that he had to go to the job centre.

I actually don't admire that type of behaviour, even though my brother later signed up in the Armed Forces and has had a stable career after leaving, unlike many of his contemporaries.

I know that you see it as your son being lazy and yes, there's a lot of time wasting and diversion tactics, including avoiding discussions or losing his temper.

Another way of seeing it is that he takes no responsibility. He doesn't feel the usual rules of getting a job, helping out round the house, contributing to bills, applies to him. He just doesn't feel any kind of obligation at all to do anything other than what pleases him.

A constructive, non judgemental chat to discuss options with him like voluntary work, helping with his job search, signing on so that he can pay towards his keep, empathising with his disappointments could go a long way. However, he's learned that if he shuns stuff or shouts, he can avoid making decisions or taking action, so he's likely to revert to type unless its done really sensitively.

Having said that, I don't think he will look back on this period of time as a 'fun time' despite getting his own way all the time.

jjhr

tea_lover wrote: »

So nothing is his fault? He receives an incredibly generous gift which he then wastes and it's all the fault of the gift-giver?

You do realise you're doing him no favours at all to be encouraging this over-entitled attitude and babying him?

Well before he got the money he was studying in college, only had a couple of months to go before he finished his second year. The minute he got that money he started missing college a lot then eventually dropped out.
Yes he did receive a generous gift, but the gift giver could have left it up to us to decide when he should have got it. If it was up to me he still wouldn't have received it until he had finished college and had started a job.

jjhr

mai_taylor wrote: »

Tell him he has a month to sign on and start looking for work before you start charging rent. Make sure you get him doing lots of jobs around the house so he can't just laze around all day. Limit his Xbox time. Get him a few application forms to start him off and help him fill them in and help him with his CV. Get him to do some volunteer work, he'll soon want a job when he's working for nothing.

You need to be more proactive for him, he's stuck in a rut and needs some help getting out of it and if you are just letting him get away with it then nothings going to change.

you are right