Lazy Child

missbiggles1

Kick him out

Starrystarrynight1 wrote: »

I'm not quite sure whether or not to admire the OP's 'dedication' in this situation, and determination to look for reasons for her son's behaviour and decisions!
I can only suggest little steps towards making him take more responsibility, if you're adamant you won't kick him out. Can you stop cooking for him? If he has no money, takeaways would be out of the question, forcing him to cook for himself? Make sure snacks etc aren't available to him. Make him do his own laundry? His mates mightn't like to be around him if he ends up stinky from not washing his clothes. Set tasks around the house for him in exchange for any cash you do give him? Find some on-line resources to help with anxiety, if he won't go to the doctors at the moment. Set up a job search account with some of the employment agencies, which you can both access, so you can see what he's applying for?
To me, it would still feel like doing way too much for an able adult, but I appreciate that you feel you have a responsibility for him.

That sounds like what the OP is already doing! Why should she pay him to do his share of the household chores when he's already living rent free?

missbiggles1

Kick him out

jjhr wrote: »

Why is you think I'm a nasty piece of work? I'm astounded! People are too quick to turn on each other in this forum.
Could we please keep this civilised

Perhaps you shouldn't have turned on me then.;)

melanzana

OP, have you any comments on the advice given so far?

Just wondered, because I personally think tough love is probably the best option. For your younger children's sake, and especially for your eldest son and indeed for the happiness of your family home right now.

I am not you, but I would imagine you are terrified of losing him, or perhaps you are concerned he may "do something stupid". But at the moment he actually is being very stupid and uncaring. But that is just me saying that, you see the reality, which doesn't sound ideal either!

I would say (and hope) that he will be absolutely fine when the chips are down. In fact he may be holding out, waiting for it to happen, indeed knowing that it will happen, and enjoying the fact that you are doing NOTHING in the meantime.

I'm sure he has so much potential and you want that for him. So over to you....

Hermia

missbiggles1 wrote: »

That sounds like what the OP is already doing! Why should she pay him to do his share of the household chores when he's already living rent free?

I agree. I think when a kid reaches adulthood they should be contributing to the household because that is what adults do. In a year he could be living with a girlfriend/friend and should not be regarding housework as something he only does for extra headpats.

Towser

encourage him, gently to find work

But I cannot show him the door. I have a responsibility for him. He will not be thrown out. He is my problem that I have to deal with.

I agree showing him the door is too harsh. Who would want to make another person homeless? Why would you make bad relations with your first born?

He is no longer your problem. He is a grown man who should know better. He does not have dependents.

Your responsibility is to your other dependents which makes you more vulnerable than him.

Can you see that? Hope this helps?

System

I don;t suppose he'd be willing to give college another chance and possibly then uni? I have a friend who did a Gaming degree, and then a Masters in it and now works in the industry, he earns a decent amount of money, and its something he's passionate about. Would your son have the motivation to try it? He;s not going to get anywhere sat on his !!! playing xbox all day...he needs to get out there and do something.

I think he needs to be strongly encouraged to sign on. Emd of the day he should be making some contribution to the household even of its just some of his dole. Not he might not like the people there, and yes it can make you anxious dealing with them, but he needs to see this as he has TWO choices. Either he signs on or he gets a job. Ok three choices should choose to return to education. He can;t just be allowed to stagnate and do nothing.

I think he needs some tough love. I think you need to lay down what his options are. If he won;t agree to do something then you need to put your foot down and tell him in explict terms that if he wants to love under your roof he has to contribute. If he doesn't, then you're not financially supporting him anymore. It might be the wake up call he needs.

Money_maker

jjhr wrote: »

Why is you think I'm a nasty piece of work? I'm astounded! People are too quick to turn on each other in this forum.
Could we please keep this civilised

I agree that the insults aren't really necessary. Neither are the calls to throw him out which are more of a knee jerk reaction that realistic. This could damage the relationship permanently.

Having said that, you have enabled this behaviour OP and therefore you must be the one to turn around to him and tell him that enough is enough. I very much favour the cutting of plugs (always ensure that you will follow through if you threaten it) and witholding all luxuries whilst you get him to agree to sign on and also look at other work options. You cannot carry on like this and he must realise he has to pull his weight.

Forget about the money that he has squandered. Whilst everyones an expert on how to stop him having done that, the reality is that he is an adult and a foolish one. His loss but too late to change.

suki1964

Step son was an angel, until he completed college

The next 18 months were pure hell. He wasn't accepted into the uni of choice, went to England to uni, lasted six weeks before he got on a plane home, leaving all his possessions behind, owing money everywhere

Then he dossed around his mums, gambling online and coming up with hair brained make money fast schemes. He did at least have the sense to sign on, even though I doubt he ever looked for work

He conned money from everyone he knew and just became a very angry young man. His dad and mum enabled a lot of his behaviour as he guilt tripped them regularly until the day he done something that they couldn't defend

He finally bought a ticket to Australia ( with dads help) where he has been the past three years. He's coming home for the first time this year

Going backpacking around Australia / Vietnam / Indonesia has been the making of him. He now has a very prestigious career with one of the biggest hospitality companies in Sydney , he's settled, he's engaged, just got his citizenship, he's grown up

I'm offering this because I know we can't predict how our kids will turn out. Seriously he was the most likeable child, so thoughtful and consciencous He was never treated any different to his sister, and she was a right madam as a child lol

However tough love is the only way, no matter how much it hurts you

I would discuss with your husband ( assuming you are together ) what you both want from your son. What levels of behaviour you are prepared to accept, and then sit down with him and discuss it between the three of you

Write a contract of behaviour, along the lines of, sign on ( you do it over the phone now days) by such and such date. He gets out of bed and is showered and dressed by such a time daily. He applies for three jobs a day. He goes to the college to see what courses there are for hospitality. He goes around all the bars and restaurants with his cv
Whilst he's not working allocate him some of the house hold chores to be done - peeling the veg for dinner, loading unloading the dishwasher - whatever

And if he can't come up with a contract of behaviour you can all agree on, and stick to it, tell him you have no qualms in giving him a letter saying you have evicted him to take to the council


I know it's not easy, and kudos for coming on here to ask for help. You really are not doing him any favours by making excuses for him

There's a young man posts on the employment board. He's 27 now, and still can't get work because he has had no motivation, don't let that be your son

Bobcrowther

Petra_70 wrote: »

Typical behaviour of someone who doesn't have a decent argument or anything sensible to say; slag off someone's grammar.

Lame.

I'd rather be corrrected than make the same mistake over and over.

FBaby

But I cannot show him the door. I have a responsibility for him. He will not be thrown out. He is my problem that I have to deal with.

And ultimately, because he knows that, he has no incentive to do anything different.

I do understand how you feel though OP. You are left with two choices, ie. take the understanding and supporting role because if you go strict, it will just beat him even lower and will be the end of him thinking that the one person he could still rely on is pushing him away, or you can take the high stance and give him an ultimatum, and even if he resents you to start with, once he turns his life around and will thank you forever for it. Problem is that you don't get insight on how it is going to go.

If it was me, I would have a serious talk and say that the status quo just isn't an option end of. That you are prepared to give him a chance staying at home IF he shows commitment to find a job and make a life for himself. Tell him that this involves getting up every day at a specific time, getting ready, and do what it takes to become active. That you will help him applying for work/looking for other college courses/volunteering work, and that he can't access his xbox until the evening, and even then, he needs to come off it at 11pm. Then make it clear that he has to stick to the routine and if he doesn't, you will then have no choice but to tell him to go, however much it will break your heart because being witness to him wasting crucial years of his life is too hard to bear.