Lazy Child

oystercatcher

encourage him, gently to find work

I feel for you OP. We had a very similar situation with one of our sons after he dropped out of Uni. Son became very depressed, wasn't entitled to benefits due to savings (at least he didn't go mad with them ..he is very tight with money !) he was supposed to sign on to get his National Insurance but apparently the staff made sarcastic comments so he refused to go.

I did get him to help a little around the house but it wasn't easy. He would lose interest and wander off with jobs half done or out right refuse. As the OP said I didn't want to kick him out of the house as I would rather know he was safe and warm . I've known a couple of young lads who have committed suicide and certainly didn't want that.

Our breakthrough started with voluntary work, my parents, who had been really annoying me with nagging about getting him to do something, eventually found an opening for voluntary work in an area he was interested in. Son went along for a day and came back glowing saying he'd loved it and was going back the next day to finish what he'd started ! This turned into a very low paid internship, which led to another low paid job, and then a better paid but 'job from hell ' type job. Each of these jobs lasted roughly a year and gave him the experience he needed.

A few months ago he got his 'dream job' , for the moment at least , we've finally breathed a sigh of relief and stopped worrying about him.

So, I'm not sure what the answer is for you OP but I suggest gentle firm encouragement and discussion , maybe you can help find openings for voluntary work that might interest him or jobs to apply for. I would certainly be involving him in houshold activities. With my kids I used to say, we all live here, we all need food and make mess and laundry and we are all old enough to help with chores. No-one enjoys chores but they have to be done. They weren't perfect but they did help more than many of my friends kids.
I wouldn't be paying him for chores, helping is his way of paying rent, if he wants money he needs to sign on or get a job. That needs to be a firm boundary.

As an aside, I wonder if his mates are paying for stuff for him as he probably did for them when he had money ?

heuchera

encourage him, gently to find work

oystercatcher wrote: »

As an aside, I wonder if his mates are paying for stuff for him as he probably did for them when he had money ?

I wouldn't be surprised if these "friends" are no longer on the scene now the money's gone.

A fool and his money are easily parted, as the saying goes.

pickledonionspaceraider

encourage him, gently to find work

OP you have my sympathy you really do.


The most important thing to remember is: - your two youngest kids are waiting in the wings, watching and learning from this. If you do not toughen up - you are going to be going through this twice more.


You are too soft on him, too worried about upsetting his delicate nature to ensure that he becomes the man that he actually IS.

Your house, your rules. Get him to the doctors to sort out anxiety issues, and get him to the job centre. Your house your rules, I am not sure why you are letting him call the shots, and he is taking you for a right old mug

duchy

jjhr wrote: »

He is not depressed as such, just a bit on the quiet side.

His grandparents have died some years ago, maybe this has affected him.

He wanted to do a job that involved gaming, but the course he was doing at college wasn't motivational enough. I did tell him years ago that if he wanted to create games, then he needs good qualifications in maths (degree). Or be good at designing, but he didn't listen.

He said that he would like to have a go at the hospitality industry. Front of house, waitering etc

So march him down to your local college for an NVQ in catering. Funny how someone is too anxious to speak to people at the JC but is interested in front of house though
Turn off the wifi
Take the router to work if needs be
Tell him you expect him to either be attending college or paying £20 a week from his JSA and if he doesn't do either you will be stripping his bedroom down to just a bed no TV, PS4 or any other comforts as you'll be selling them to pay for his keep.

He's testing boundries - You don't need to kick him out but it's your home - you call the shots - if he doesn't like it he can choose to leave.

FZwanab

He could volunteer to help kids learn coding with coder dojo, there are classes nationwide, even if not an expert himself he could assist with logging kids into computers etc. or volunteer to help oap's learn how to use computers in local libraries. This would look good on his cv.

My eldest is a young teen so this is all ahead of me. Jamie Oliver was recently going on about the benefits of an app called" our pact" which can help control wifi usage for various gadgets, I haven't tried it myself yet.

I find it hard to get my boys to do housework/homework/study, I usually have to threaten removal of computer/Xbox privileges and then if no success actually go ahead and follow through. I have switched off the Xbox mid game!!!and left gadgets in the grandparents until there was a change of action. Don't know if that might help for an older teen/man? What are his friends/girlfriend like? Do you know anywhere he could just do free work experience, perhaps in your work place or your partner's/friends for the time being?

ladymarmalade

Towser wrote: »

OP I have the same problem with my 10 who will not do homework.

Do I get rid of the XBox well before GSCE's or even now?

As someone who sees the consequences of this type of behaviour in my job, my advice would be not to remove it completly, but to put strict boundaries in place. You may want to think about a 'no xbox until.....has been completed' or a 'one hour a day' policy etc.

I don't have children of my own yet, but the things I have learnt from my job and watching my little brother grow up are:

• my child will not have a games console in their bedroom
• they will not be allowed to use such devices after 9pm
• they will not have age innapproriate games

In this way, I can monitor much more closely how they are using it. I deal with way to many teenagers who have their GCSE exmainations coming up in a matter of weeks and think nothing of spending all night until 2am on the xbox and then polling into school in grumpy moods and certainly not in the frame of mind for learning. I also find the amount of pupils that come into year 7 (age 11) who are playing games like 'Call of duty' disturbing!

Petra_70

Bobcrowther wrote: »

To be fair, I wouldn't have much respect for you either if you can't tell the difference between "loose" and "lose"...:o

Typical behaviour of someone who doesn't have a decent argument or anything sensible to say; slag off someone's grammar.

Lame.

Hermia

jjhr wrote: »

The problem is when there is a job opening, the employer gets hundreds of cv's from people who are on jobseekers allowance, his application would get swamped and not seen.

But that is true of everyone. Young people are up against people with experience. Older people get sidelined for younger applicants. Women of childbearing age can get sidelined by bosses who are petrified they will get pregnant. There is never a time when applying for jobs is easy. That is why it is a numbers game where you just need at apply to many as possible in the hope one notices you.

If he is interested in hospitality I would def recommend he just walk around town and go into bars and restaurants. These are jobs where the application process can be quite informal and can give you what you need to get on hospitality courses.

I do despair of how many parents I know who have adult kids who won't work and don't even do their fair share of housework and cooking. I have retired friends who have kids in their 30/40s still leaching off them!

jjhr

tea_lover wrote: »

Wow, you really are a nasty piece of work OP. You and your leech of a son sound well suited.

Why is you think I'm a nasty piece of work? I'm astounded! People are too quick to turn on each other in this forum.
Could we please keep this civilised

Starrystarrynight1

I'm not quite sure whether or not to admire the OP's 'dedication' in this situation, and determination to look for reasons for her son's behaviour and decisions!
I can only suggest little steps towards making him take more responsibility, if you're adamant you won't kick him out. Can you stop cooking for him? If he has no money, takeaways would be out of the question, forcing him to cook for himself? Make sure snacks etc aren't available to him. Make him do his own laundry? His mates mightn't like to be around him if he ends up stinky from not washing his clothes. Set tasks around the house for him in exchange for any cash you do give him? Find some on-line resources to help with anxiety, if he won't go to the doctors at the moment. Set up a job search account with some of the employment agencies, which you can both access, so you can see what he's applying for?
To me, it would still feel like doing way too much for an able adult, but I appreciate that you feel you have a responsibility for him.