Lazy Child

missbiggles1

Kick him out

Hermia wrote: »

I agree. I think when a kid reaches adulthood they should be contributing to the household because that is what adults do. In a year he could be living with a girlfriend/friend and should not be regarding housework as something he only does for extra headpats.

Much less extra money!

missbiggles1

Kick him out

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

I don;t suppose he'd be willing to give college another chance and possibly then uni? I have a friend who did a Gaming degree, and then a Masters in it and now works in the industry, he earns a decent amount of money, and its something he's passionate about. Would your son have the motivation to try it? He;s not going to get anywhere sat on his !!! playing xbox all day...he needs to get out there and do something.

I think he needs to be strongly encouraged to sign on. Emd of the day he should be making some contribution to the household even of its just some of his dole. Not he might not like the people there, and yes it can make you anxious dealing with them, but he needs to see this as he has TWO choices. Either he signs on or he gets a job. Ok three choices should choose to return to education. He can;t just be allowed to stagnate and do nothing.

I think he needs some tough love. I think you need to lay down what his options are. If he won;t agree to do something then you need to put your foot down and tell him in explict terms that if he wants to love under your roof he has to contribute. If he doesn't, then you're not financially supporting him anymore. It might be the wake up call he needs.

Unfortunately, most colleges won't have courses which start in January and, as he's already 19, he'd have to pay course fees when another course became available. This wouldn't make the educational route impossible (with parental support) but it does make it very difficult, particularly as he didn't finish the last 2 year course he was on. He'd be looking at at least another 5 1/2 years before he could be in a position of a graduate looking for work and that's considered quite mature in the gaming industry.

Returning to a low level of education is possible after the age of 19 but it is difficult and does need a level of motivatation that this young man doesn't seem to have.

hollydays

Are you friendly with any of his friends parents?
If so , do they have any insight into what's going on?
All that money he had, was any of it spent on drugs do you know?

Redacted

I think the old adage of "if you keep doing the same thing, you'll keep getting the same results" is true in this situation.

How will you feel if he's still in the same rut at 25? 35?

It doesn't really matter what any of us would do - what are you willing to do that's different from what you have been doing?

I agree with other posters that you seem over eager on this thread to make excuses for him, to absolve him of his responsibility for the choices he has made and the situation he has created. If you're doing the same in real life, than you are infantilising him, which will be contributing to the situation.

He needs to realise he owns his choices and the resultant consequences. It's up to him what he makes of his life; not you, his friends, his past teachers, his deceased grandparents. Him. So I would be asking him, what changes will he be making?

If he refuses to make any changes, you will need to decide what changes you are prepared to make. What consequences are you prepared to give him for his decision not to change? If the answer is none, you have to accept your current situation will continue for the foreseeable future until something/someone else forces/inspires him to make a change.

arbrighton

You are treating him as a child and making life easy for him so that his behaviour can continue. He is an adult now and many others of his age are having to cope out in the big bad world. There is a huge list of excuses you have made for him- they are just that, excuses. Not reasons or explanations.

Yeah, he'd hate going to job centre with his mum but I'd bet he'd sort himself out to get there if you were one step away from walking in there with him.

This won't go away over night- he won't suddenly become a productive family member, never mind member of society. So it's got to be step by step. E.g. wifi timer or hell, as someone else said, take it to work with you. You say he says he's applying for jobs, but have you any evidence or, not wanting to cause a row are you taking his word for it?

There needs to be a list of chores, as a minimum or a charge for keep. If he's at home, he should be sorting dinner out. Or he doesn't get fed, simple. He'll figure that one out quickly I'm sure. Same with laundry. One thing a week till he pulls his finger out? And stop giving him money for doing stuff, it's not helping.


Unless you want three kidults with you forever hanging off your apron strings, help yourself now

hollydays

Bobcrowther wrote: »

I'd rather be corrrected than make the same mistake over and over.

It looks like you have been corrected, as your post has been removed.
Are you learning yet?

spirit

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Unfortunately, most colleges won't have courses which start in January and, as he's already 19, he'd have to pay course fees when another course became available. This wouldn't make the educational route impossible (with parental support) but it does make it very difficult, particularly as he didn't finish the last 2 year course he was on. He'd be looking at at least another 5 1/2 years before he could be in a position of a graduate looking for work and that's considered quite mature in the gaming industry.

Returning to a low level of education is possible after the age of 19 but it is difficult and does need a level of motivatation that this young man doesn't seem to have.

My son floundered around after A level, did a BTec for 2 years before starting a uni course (in music). By then he was already 2 years older than the other students. He only stuck that course for 6 months and found it wasn't the course for him. I did tell him that at the time but he needed to see that for himself. He then bummed around for a while at home. I made him take temp jobs whilst he thought about what he really wanted to do. he too wanted to be a games designer since a college friend went to uni and now does just that.


Eventually, son had his lightbulb moment and applied for and got on a computing course. This is his niche and he now accepts that. He graduated last year at the age of 28 and has a VERY good job as a web developer at the same uni.


So it can be done OP.

FZwanab

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

I have a friend who did a Gaming degree, and then a Masters in it and now works in the industry,.

Where would you study for a "gaming" degree, is that what it is called? Could be something my son would be interested in, in a few years.

duchy

FZwanab wrote: »

Where would you study for a "gaming" degree, is that what it is called? Could be something my son would be interested in, in a few years.

Greenwich springs to mind but there are lots of others.
If you go to the UCAS website there is a course search facility -put gaming in the search - alternatively "gaming degree UK" in google works fairly well !

BigAunty

I recommend that the OP should read Hedylogos threads on the Employment Forum to fast forward to how her son could end up without any kind of positive nudging.

She could then understand how distressing it is for an under-educated person in their late 20s to be long-term unemployed and feel that they are next to unemployable. This could be her son in 5/10 years time.

Hedylogos morale is rock-bottom. They suffer self-esteem and anxiety issues that require counselling and tablets. That OP can't get any type of job whatsoever.

They are so stripped of energy and confidence that it took them more than 6 months of badgering and coaxing from forum members just to sign up for 8 hours weekly of voluntary work to boost their CV and help restore their dignity.

Even then, their unrealistic expectations have continued - Hedylogos was disappointed that a few weeks of part time voluntary work in a Library didn't catapult them immediately into a job and the OP dreams of a creative job involving writing or music when they appear to have virtually no skills, education or employment experience whatsover.

The forum members have given you positive examples of young adults who have found their way forward after a few years of being lost. Hedylogos threads show you the slide into poverty, despondance and mental health issues if a path isn't found.