Lazy Child

mai_taylor

encourage him, gently to find work

jjhr wrote: »

True

I feel like a doormat. He has taken advantage of us for too long.

I did ask him if he has applied for jobs, he said he has, but the problem he has is that he doesn't hear back from the majority of them. He lacks experience and has a few GCSE's, but he does have youth on his side.
The problem is when there is a job opening, the employer gets hundreds of cv's from people who are on jobseekers allowance, his application would get swamped and not seen.

What sort of jobs is he applying for? He needs to start of small, supermarket, petrol station, factory work. Things that are easy to get into and will get him used to working and used to earning his own money. He can always look for something better once he at least has something on his CV.

My mum got me my first job working at a supermarket with her. Once I was in a job it gave me the confidence to look for something I wanted to do.

missbiggles1

Kick him out

BigAunty wrote: »

I wonder whether it would be possible for the OP to take a gentle, diplomatic but persistent follow up to challenge his lethargy and failure to contribute to household tasks or expenses.

Perhaps a sympathetic chat where she tells him she knows that its much harder to get a decent starter job these days compared to when she was his age but that the current situation can't go on, as it's bad for him (letting his talents go to waste, not being able to afford things his peers enjoy like holidays and cars) and not good for the family (things aren't getting done and there are bills to pay).

Have a proper sit down chat. She asks him to come up with ideas to end his unemployment and inability to contribute to the household and asks if she could help him by helping him look into things like the Princes Trust (for self employment), finding someone to review his CV, voluntary work, work experience front of house, college courses or similar. See if she can get him to promise to undertake specified steps by specified times.

So she's not shouting at him but prompting him to take action and then regularly following it up.

Leaving him to his own devices has only resulted in him becoming an accomplished Xbox player and that doesn't put food on the table.

For some reason, he wants a high profile socially competent role despite being fairly withdrawn.

Perhaps the OP (if funds permit) could offer to fund a TEFL course and flight so that he can teach English overseas? There seems a strong demand in China, etc, and if he wants to be Front of House in a restaurant, he might enjoy standing in front of a whiteboard.

You can be firm without shouting at someone - the rest still sounds too nicey nicey for me, I'm afraid.

Very few reputable TEFL training providers or language schools are going to have any interest in taking on a non motivated 19 year old with no qualifications other than a few GCSEs and no work experience, so I don't think thay's a good suggestion. (Although I can certainly see the appeal of sending him to the other side of the world!)

Somerset

barbarawright wrote: »

Could you find him some work to do with a neighbour or friend. Maybe if someone needed dog walking or decorating or shopping that he could do because he's got spare time. It would get him out of the house and perhaps boost his self-esteem

My aunt did this for her lad. For some reason, he couldn't seem to find/keep a job. Her other two lads could, but not him. She would ask around, stop at building sites to ask, ask in shops etc. She got him loads of 'starts' but he never stuck at any of them. After a few years the reason he wasn't working was 'because he'd lost the one job he enjoyed' after a medical issue. There was always an excuse. My aunt always defended him, supported him (as much as she could afford/separate housing) never blamed him, but worried about him. He wasted a lot of years with drug addiction. Is happy and healthy in recovery now (15 years). Truth is, he never wanted to work, never did, still doesn't. He's happy in his HA flat, bennies is enough. He's a stalwart in the local drugs rehab charity. That I suppose is his focus, and friends.


You can take a horse to water but can't make them drink. Most parents want ........<the norm>. Sometimes forcing it works, sometimes it doesn't. Maybe the OP has one of those nothing appeals/nothing matters/I'm not interested/I'm ok as I am youngsters.

Pollycat

missbiggles1 wrote: »

You can be firm without shouting at someone - the rest still sounds too nicey nicey for me, I'm afraid.

Very few reputable TEFL training providers or language schools are going to have any interest in taking on a non motivated 19 year old with no qualifications other than a few GCSEs and no work experience, so I don't think thay's a good suggestion. (Although I can certainly see the appeal of sending him to the other side of the world!)

I have another option that should have been in the poll......
send missbiggles1 round to shake him up and sort him out.

I'm sure that would be far more effective than what the OP is doing/has been doing.

BigAunty

spirit wrote: »

* No I don't for the same reason that 'how to bring up a baby' books are not especially helpful either. I don't think there is a one size fits all answer especially when young adults have learned to deal with situations at home in a particular way. ie. ignore mum's nagging and she'll give up. .

I said books relating to dealing with teenagers,not babies.

I imagine they are aimed towards early to mid teens. The OP has a late teenage son, who to be honest, has regressed somewhat.

They might be pretty much pitched at his emotional and behavioural level. The OP hasn't got basic rules or boundaries in place and is too intimidated or soft to produce and enforce them.

Although he's avoiding doing adult things, such as job seeking, household tasks, paying towards supporting himself, he's pretty much displaying pubescent behaviour at most when it comes to things like communication, glued to xbox, etc.

He sounds more like a 13 year old. Probably wishes he was a 13 year old with no obligation to do tedious adult responsibilities like get a job, pay a bill, do his own laundry.

So I can't see why the OP can't get some benefit from reading constructive advice on how to deal with stroppy, defensive and uncommunicative (late) teenager who refuses to cooperate with the household.

She can at least start with finding out how to speak to someone who is avoiding her and ignoring any rules. This will then help her in getting him to address his adult responsibilities (benefit claims, taking keep, getting a job).

A lot of forum members want him to go directly from his babied cocooned childish state to adulthood by packing a bag and changing the lock. He won't necessarily become an adult this way, get the lightbulb moment he needs to crack on with work or education, but just become another teenage street homeless candidate.

LannieDuck

My OH has worked as a computer game designer for 20+ years. It's difficult to get into - more people come out of computer game design uni courses each year than jobs become available.

OH has lectured on these courses, and he's also been involved employing people, and he says that he'd almost always choose to employ someone who has a good basic degree, e.g. maths / history, and a passion for computer game design than someone who's gone through one of the tailored degree courses because they (mostly) don't teach the right things. I believe there's even one company in Surrey that requires a history degree because they make historical computer games.

I'm afraid if your son only has a handful of GCSEs and no degree, he's facing an uphill struggle. I'm not saying it's not possible because it's the sort of profession where there are always going to be exceptions, but it's extremely unlikely without a lot of hard work.

Is he any good at computer coding? The demand for good coders is always greater than the demand for good designers.

LannieDuck

Wrt what you should do about it now... I think you need to all have a good conversation and establish that there are now three adults living in the house, so he'll be expected to contribute just like the two of you have to.

Does he ever cook for you? If not, why should you cook for him?
Does he ever do your laundry? So why should you do his?

He also needs to start paying his share of utility bills, which means a proportion of his pay cheque or JSA. If he doesn't like the rules, he should start to look around for alternatives.

jjhr

I have read all advice given, and I will go over some of the options given. I have looked into apprenticeships for him and we have discussed this at length he is very interested in this, so I think this will be a breakthrough for him. I thank everyone for their concern and giving time to voice their opinion.

At this time I'm going to make sure he does a lot more around the house.
Explain to him that everything cost money and demand he contribute.
Give him three options and a deadline for them.
Take him in to see the doctor to sort out his anxiety problems.
Have a family meeting.

If anyone else is going to post more advice then I will certainly read it, but I may not reply back. But thanks all the same.

Any progress or setbacks I will post on here,

missbiggles1

Kick him out

Pollycat wrote: »

I have another option that should have been in the poll......
send missbiggles1 round to shake him up and sort him out.

I'm sure that would be far more effective than what the OP is doing/has been doing.

I'll take that as a compliment, whether you meant it that way or not.:)

jjhr

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I don't think s/he's said but their home page is about dating and relationship advice.:eek:

https://interioru.com/relationship-advice/

Dating relationship advice and teenager problems are two different subjects.

But I think your being a bit cheeky here. Go somewhere else. I don't mind constructive criticisms but it seems to me that you lack any sort of maturity. I need sound advice, not catty comments please.

And that goes for anyone else, don't bother posting here if you cant be at least civilised.