Lazy Child

missbiggles1

Kick him out

It's interesting that the only "firm" solution the OP has given in her poll is to kick him out and I imagine that's why over 50% have voted for it, rather than because everybody thinking his bags should be on the doorstep immediately.

That seems to be to be part of the problem that she can see no option between taking a nicey nicey approach (which hasn't worked) and the totally draconian. Given that she understandably doesn't want to make her 19 year old homeless she doesn't seem to have much concept of any firm (or forceful) means of disciplining him which is the main reason for the current situation.

spirit

missbiggles1 wrote: »

It's interesting that the only "firm" solution the OP has given in her poll is to kick him out and I imagine that's why over 50% have voted for it, rather than because everybody thinking his bags should be on the doorstep immediately.

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I didn't vote since there wasn't the option I would have chosen.

BigAunty

missbiggles1 wrote: »

That seems to be to be part of the problem that she can see no option between taking a nicey nicey approach (which hasn't worked) and the totally draconian. Given that she understandably doesn't want to make her 19 year old homeless she doesn't seem to have much concept of any firm (or forceful) means of disciplining him which is the main reason for the current situation.

I wonder whether it would be possible for the OP to take a gentle, diplomatic but persistent follow up to challenge his lethargy and failure to contribute to household tasks or expenses.

Perhaps a sympathetic chat where she tells him she knows that its much harder to get a decent starter job these days compared to when she was his age but that the current situation can't go on, as it's bad for him (letting his talents go to waste, not being able to afford things his peers enjoy like holidays and cars) and not good for the family (things aren't getting done and there are bills to pay).

Have a proper sit down chat. She asks him to come up with ideas to end his unemployment and inability to contribute to the household and asks if she could help him by helping him look into things like the Princes Trust (for self employment), finding someone to review his CV, voluntary work, work experience front of house, college courses or similar. See if she can get him to promise to undertake specified steps by specified times.

So she's not shouting at him but prompting him to take action and then regularly following it up.

Leaving him to his own devices has only resulted in him becoming an accomplished Xbox player and that doesn't put food on the table.

For some reason, he wants a high profile socially competent role despite being fairly withdrawn.

Perhaps the OP (if funds permit) could offer to fund a TEFL course and flight so that he can teach English overseas? There seems a strong demand in China, etc, and if he wants to be Front of House in a restaurant, he might enjoy standing in front of a whiteboard.

Alikay

spirit wrote: »

I didn't vote since there wasn't the option I would have chosen.

Same here: Firmly reinforcing what he needs to do, and what behaviour is unacceptable is what I'd be doing. It's not easy with adult children - having some issues with one of mine at the moment (not related to laziness, more down to impulsive decision-making and thoughtlessness), but they do need to learn how to behave in life as not everyone will make the same allowances for them as their parents!

BigAunty

The OPs son seems quite immature for their age, granted that this may be prompted by low self esteem and anxiety which makes them come across as a stroppy teenager.

Does anyone think that advice books on how to deal with stroppy teenagers might be productive? Presumably they have strategies on how to negotiate without tempers being lost, setting and maintaining rules?

He should really be too old for advice on how to deal with adolescent children as he's an adult but he's not really entered adulthood in many respects.

He's basically a NEET, not in education, employment and training, so this is the area to focus on addressing. I think if he has a proper full time commitment some of the issues could go away.

Having said that, when he did have means, he refused to pay towards his keep, so the OP may have to accept that even if he finds work, she still won't get a bean from him.

She is worried about him being homeless and this is why she won't evict him. However, when he gets and job, and if he continues to be lazy and stingy, then Plan B has to involve ensuring he stands on his own 2 feet and moves out into rented accommodation.

Step 1 - get him into employment
Step 2 - get him into a flatshare

He's going to get the shock of his life when he finds out that virtually all of his employment income will go on basic living expenses like food, energy, transport, council tax and rent. Necessary wake up call though.

TBagpuss

As others have said, I think that the curent situation is very unhealthy for your son and for your other childnre, and it is in his interests as well as yours to try to resolve it.

I would suggest that you set some clear and firm boundaries, and that you make clear to your son both that these are non-negotiable, and what the penalty will be if he does not kep to them.

I would suggest as a start that you make clear he needs to pull his weight around the house. As he is neither working nor studying, it would be reasonable to expect him to, in addition to keeping his own room clean and doing his own laundry, to do other jobs aroundthe house. It may be helpful to provide him with a clear list and to be clear, if necessary, about what each job compriss (e.g. if you decide that his share of the household tasks include cleaning the bathroom and living room, taking out the rubbish and cooking the main family meal at least ywice a week, then you need to be clear that (for instance) cleaning the bathroom has to be done weekely, and that it includes washing the floor, cleaning the loo and tiling, emptying the bin and changing and washing the towels, that cleaning the living room has to be done at least once a week and includes vacuuming the floor (including moving furniture to clean underneath) dusting, washing windows, putting expired TV guides etc into the recycling etc. (obviously the specifics will depend on your house and your normakl routine)

decide which days he will need to do the cooking and be clar about what this invvolves - e.g. if there is a specific time for the meal to be done, being clear that cooking it includes clearing and washing up afterwards and tidying up in the kitchen.

Be clear about what else he neds to do - signing on is an obvious one, and make clear that he will be expected to start to make a finacial contribution to the hosuehjold whether or not he signs on, so if he does not want to sign on, he needs to find himself a job so he is no longer free loading. Give him a deadline.

encourage him to see a doctor if he feels that he may be duffering from depression or to seek help for his anxiety. Let him know that you are willing to support him, including by making the appointment on his behalf, taking him and (if he wants) coming with him.

Stop giving him any money at all. Make clear that you will take him to the job centre so he can make a claim but do not give him any money at all. make clear to him that you will require him to pay (say) £35 week out of his JSA to you for housing and feeding him, but be absolutely clear 9write out a buidget showing him the actual household bills and food bill so he understands that this is not even close to the *actual* cost of housing him.

I would also be saying to him that while you expect him to contribute, you are willingto be flexible with this if he is job-hunting, so (for instance) you will accept a lower amount if he needs funds to travel to a job interview.

Stop buying stuff for him. Buy general food and household items but don't buy any extras or anything specifically for him. If he wants snacks, clothes or personal items he needs to save his JSA and/or find a job to fund those.

Try to give him some choices.

So (for example) in terms of his help arounsd the house, offer him options - eg he can either be responsible for cleaning the bathroom and living room or for doing all of the household laundry and ironing. He can chose which 2 main meals be cooks each week but he needs to confirm with you which days he will be responsible for at the start of each week.

Discuss with him what he plans to do about education / job hunting and then set targets (e.g. rewrite his Cv within the next 2 weeks, apply for at least x jobs per week, ut again, try to offer choices (5 job applications per week, or one day spet visiting loacal bars / cafes / restuarants per day to ask about jobs and 3 other applicatins per week)

be clear with him about what the consequences will be if he won't cooperate.
This might start with changing passwords / removing / restricting access to electrical items so he can't use your broadband or equipment (except under your supervision forthe pupose of job hunting.

Be very clear with him that you want to support him in moving on in his life but that at present, you feel that he is taking advantage of you. Be very clear that if there are any reasons for his behaviour you are willing to talk with him about these and to support him in getting appropriate professional help and support to address the issues, but that doing nothing is not an option.

Semple

So what are you going to do OP?

There have been pages and pages of useful advice.

The time to act on this advice is now.

Decide exactly what it is you're planning to do, and take this weekend to work through that plan.

The longer you leave it to decide what it is you wish to do, the worse it will get (that's if it can get any worse).

Ronaldo_Mconaldo

Has the OP said wht they actually do? Are they a good role model or do they just sit around all day watching Jeremy Kyle?

spirit

BigAunty wrote: »

The OPs son seems quite immature for their age, granted that this may be prompted by low self esteem and anxiety which makes them come across as a stroppy teenager.

Does anyone think that advice books on how to deal with stroppy teenagers might be productive? Presumably they have strategies on how to negotiate without tempers being lost, setting and maintaining rules?

He should really be too old for advice on how to deal with adolescent children as he's an adult but he's not really entered adulthood in many respects.

He's basically a NEET, not in education, employment and training, so this is the area to focus on addressing. I think if he has a proper full time commitment some of the issues could go away.

Having said that, when he did have means, he refused to pay towards his keep, so the OP may have to accept that even if he finds work, she still won't get a bean from him.

She is worried about him being homeless and this is why she won't evict him. However, when he gets and job, and if he continues to be lazy and stingy, then Plan B has to involve ensuring he stands on his own 2 feet and moves out into rented accommodation.

Step 1 - get him into employment
Step 2 - get him into a flatshare

He's going to get the shock of his life when he finds out that virtually all of his employment income will go on basic living expenses like food, energy, transport, council tax and rent. Necessary wake up call though.

* No I don't for the same reason that 'how to bring up a baby' books are not especially helpful either. I don't think there is a one size fits all answer especially when young adults have learned to deal with situations at home in a particular way. ie. ignore mum's nagging and she'll give up. Not all young adults will have had the same sorts of situations.




* this her chance now to say that when he gets work a % or amount is to be given to her immediately towards his keep.




* I think the parents should help him find his own job and accommodation otherwise it's them making decisions/sorting him out when in fact he needs to learn these life lessons himself.

barbarawright

Could you find him some work to do with a neighbour or friend. Maybe if someone needed dog walking or decorating or shopping that he could do because he's got spare time. It would get him out of the house and perhaps boost his self-esteem