Please tell me your husbands are more helpful than mine...

Person_one

onlyroz wrote: »

I know a number of men who happily lived in absolute flea-pits. I don't know any women like this (with the possible exception of my mother). I can only go by my own experiences but I have observed far more men than women who just don't consider general cleanliness and tidiness to be that important.

How old are the men living in flea pits? I knew a few as a student and in my early twenties, but at that age plenty of women are filthy too! Past about 25/30 I don't think single men are living like characters from Men Behaving Badly, generally.

You could also argue that men are growing up seeing cleanliness as something they don't have to bother with because of the dynamic they see in their homes growing up!

Peter999_2

Person_one wrote: »

If he lived alone or with a male flatmate I'm sure he'd figure it out.

Sorry to go all feminist but it always disappoints me how many households still fall into old fashioned gender roles on this issue. Even where the men 'help' plenty it still seems to be mostly women who organise and take responsibility for household chores.

I vaguely remember a study that said that single men who move in with a partner drop the time they spend doing housework by about 50% while single women who move in with a partner up it by about the same!

Why does everything have to come down to gender?, my brother in law does absolutely everything in their house (plus works a full time job as well). His wife, who doesn't work, literally sits on the sofa all day long and does nothing, no ironing, no cooking, no cleaning, nothing. Seems to work well with them though, he is always very happy and their kids (4) are very well behaved and polite.

In our house, my wife has just come into the bedroom like a tasmanian devil. Rushing around, putting the food in, making sure everything is ready and then going to get her hair done at 10am. She does make Christmas very very stressful and it does sort of spoil it a bit, it should be a time when everything is relaxed. I do ask to help but anything I do she ends up doing again as I didn't do it "just" right - I hate this more than anything so I will just not do anything instead.

It's always been like this I suppose, even when we first got together. The only time it was different was when I was a househusband for two years and she worked (she'd spent the previous 5 years as a SAHM). I did absolutely everything around the house at that point and looked after our daughter (though she was obviously 5 at the time and was at school most of the day).

I did all the work on a Monday morning and Thursday morning and found it a complete breeze compared to working. In came a drier, K-mix, Karcher and anything to make things easier. I completely loved it, ironing in front of the TV is great.

For the three Christmases during this time I again did everything. I got all the food from M&S and just had to heat it up, no problem whatsoever. Two of the years we had alternate her parents and my parents around, no stress at all nice and simple.

After the two years, I ended up going back to work (can't spend life enjoying yourself) and my wife is now in charge again. Back to the stressful rushing around at Christmas (though we still have fab Christmases and she is fabulous). I just wish she didn't have to rush around - though we have discussed this before and both agreed she is a bit of a martyr.

74jax

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

Do I have the most useless husband on earth, please tell me your husbands are more helpful than this.


I am fed up being treated like the hired hand. I don't feel there is any respect. I am fed up putting all this effort in and having absolutely no assistance. I would much sooner cancel Christmas and help in a soup kitchen

My hubby sorts his family out, I do mine. If he forgets his... As he has done, he has to fix it.

we do have a cleaner so can't argue over that, but we only have a cleaner as he wouldn't clean and I couldn't see why it should be me who did it. So we got a cleaner to sort that problem.

He does cook, better than me, and does the weekly shop.

Whether my hubby I'd more helpful than yours doesn't really help you tho, if you're unhappy then it needs to be addressed.

Goldiegirl

It sounds like the OP Is getting no pleasure at all from Christmas, and I'm not surprised, with a dormitory of children and two weelks worth of visitors.

It sounds like my worst nightmare.

My suggestion is - sit down with the husband (after Christmas, as it's too late for this year) and tell him that things are going to change for next year. Either you go away for Christmas, you have Christmas at home with you, him and your own kids and you do the visiting, or, you have his family but he does all the arrangements. Tell him how sick to death you are of the current set up.

Sometimes you just have to be blunt about it. If you go for the third option, don't forget to stick to it next year!

Pollycat

xHannahx wrote: »

My husband has done everything this year, due to me being heavily pregnant and then having the baby a couple of days ago.

Problem is he has done it all in his way and what and how he wants things. Next year I think I'd rather do it on my own without his help!

I think you are making a rod for your own back.
Either talk to him and tell him how you like things done (men are not mind-readers) or relax your attitude and accept that a task has been done but it might not be to your own standards.

Peter999 wrote: »

In our house, my wife has just come into the bedroom like a tasmanian devil. Rushing around, putting the food in, making sure everything is ready and then going to get her hair done at 10am.

Has she put the turkey in the wardrobe or the chest of drawers? :rotfl:

Sorry - read that bit and a vision popped into my head.

Have a good one. :xmassign:

duchy

The gender thing is a myth perpetuated by both men and women.

Some people are good at this stuff - some aren't.

My OH is just preparing to blitz the kitchen to an inch of its life .....my take is that it is already clean and tidy and it doesn't need it but he won't feel it's Christmas if he doesn't do it

He's 52, does a dirty, skilled manual job and if you met him in the pub you'd never think he was a domestic god- but he is .

Like the OP's husband I work from home - and this year is the first in several years I'm not working Christmas morning whilst he prepares dinner (previous to us getting together I cooked it whilst working - tea break was turkey basting etc and all veg was preprepared and went on as soon as I finished work - it's all about timing).

Running Christmas like a military exercise only works if you have troops to delegate to - if you need to do it all yourself you need to be realistic - Martyrdom at Christmas isn't very festive but all too common in some homes !!

Person_one

duchy wrote: »

The gender thing is a myth perpetuated by both men and women.

Its really really not.

Of course its not true for every single couple, nothing is, but broad trends are clear.

http://www2.warwick.ac.uk/newsandevents/pressreleases/wealthier_men_less/

http://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/594493/men-women-gender-equality-household-chores-housework

http://www.bsa.natcen.ac.uk/media/38457/bsa30_gender_roles_final.pdf

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-206381/Working-women-housework.html

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10621402/Why-are-women-still-doing-most-of-the-housework.html

dirty_magic

My hubby sorts his family out, I do mine. If he forgets his... As he has done, he has to fix it.

I couldn't do this. I like my OHs family and I'd be so embarrassed and feel awful if they'd bought us presents and we'd done nothing, especially as we all open presents together instead of just delivering them beforehand.

The gender thing is a myth perpetuated by both men and women.

Some people are good at this stuff - some aren't.

My OH is just preparing to blitz the kitchen to an inch of its life .....my take is that it is already clean and tidy and it doesn't need it but he won't feel it's Christmas if he doesn't do it

He's 52, does a dirty, skilled manual job and if you met him in the pub you'd never think he was a domestic god- but he is .

I agree that there are exceptions to the rule, my dad and my uncle are both very tidy and both do washing, ironing and housework. That's why I notice more if my OH doesn't help, I haven't grown up in a house where it's all down to the woman. I really don't think this is the norm though, they are exceptions.

Gavin83

Person_one wrote: »

Sorry to go all feminist but it always disappoints me how many households still fall into old fashioned gender roles on this issue. Even where the men 'help' plenty it still seems to be mostly women who organise and take responsibility for household chores.

It's her job. If she wants to share out the household chores then she can get a full time job. He brings in the money, she keeps the home. It's a bit of an overly traditional setup for me personally but if you go for this then it should work this way.

Honestly I think anyone expecting not to work while their partner does and then share the chores 50/50 is being totally unreasonable.

duchy

Gavin83 wrote: »

It's her job. If she wants to share out the household chores then she can get a full time job. He brings in the money, she keeps the home. It's a bit of an overly traditional setup for me personally but if you go for this then it should work this way.

Honestly I think anyone expecting not to work while their partner does and then share the chores 50/50 is being totally unreasonable.

I think it depends on how you define @not working@

There's a world of difference between a woman who chooses to not work outside the home with a couple of teenagers and another with two toddlers -both may be at home but one is constantly "working" and the other isn't. I don't think it's unreasonable for the Dad of the toddlers to do a share when he's home - but I wouldn't have the same expectation of the Dad of teenagers with Mum at home and not working.