Just wondering what you would make of this

Pollycat

Person_one wrote: »

I know I'll get a load of flak for this, but what hell...

My parents and grandparents have always had a 'tradition' since the sixties that siblings get a small token present on each other's birthdays. My siblings who are parents themselves now do the same. It hasn't at all resulted in entitlement, jealousy or anything negative, but in siblings who are close as adults and who value things like kindness and fairness most highly and aren't remotely materialistic.

They never expected anybody else to do the same of course. I don't really see why it's so terrible, and it wasn't at all hard to break the pattern. My mum in her fifties doesn't expect presents on her siblings' birthdays still funnily enough!

Oh and I would never turn up to see a new baby without a little something for the older siblings.

Well, my parents and grandparents didn't do that and it didn't result in entitlement, jealousy or anything negative either.
My sister and I are incredibly close as adults (we've spoken once on the phone today and have exchanged half-a-dozen texts) and we value things like kindness and fairness most highly and aren't remotely materialistic.

splishsplash

I still can't get past a grown man taking a Santa present from a small child and giving it back .

Any update OP?

Izadora

Person_one wrote: »

I know I'll get a load of flak for this, but what hell...

My parents and grandparents have always had a 'tradition' since the sixties that siblings get a small token present on each other's birthdays.

My parents did that when we were kids as well. We both understood that there were going to be times where one of us got more than the other but it was still nice to feel included in the other's big day. My OH and I now do the same for his niece and nephew.

culpepper

I do think children need to be taught about turns . The older child shouldn't feel bad because the younger had a treat that she herself had had when younger. It's all down to how they are treated at home of course.
My guess is that at 5 years old, she is in school making Christmas cards,singing songs and 'doing the nativity play' and having the best fun and all the granddad will do is make it seem quite acceptable for her to also feel jealous of her little brother having anything that she is not privy to.
I have met a few older people in my life who must have had a similar upbringing. One , a sister in law is an absolute nightmare despite being a grown woman.

Person_one

Pollycat wrote: »

Well, my parents and grandparents didn't do that and it didn't result in entitlement, jealousy or anything negative either.
My sister and I are incredibly close as adults (we've spoken once on the phone today and have exchanged half-a-dozen texts) and we value things like kindness and fairness most highly and aren't remotely materialistic.

Pretty sure I didn't say it was the only way to achieve that...

Pollycat

Person_one wrote: »

Pretty sure I didn't say it was the only way to achieve that...

I'm pretty sure you didn't either......and neither did I.

TBagpuss

gabriel1980 wrote: »

I think he was very wise about this. When one children gets a present and the other doesn't, this can have a very negative effect on children. Sure it wasn't right in front of her, but it might still upset her.

Yes, it might upset her, but at some point in her life she will have to learn that the world does not revolve about her. The paretns or grandparetns are doing her no favours by 'sheilding' her from this kind of disappointment, they will just teach her a level of entitlement that is going to make life very dificult for her as she gets older.

This isn't a case of favouritism (Which I agree would be inappropriate). GD doesn't get a gift becuase Santa was visiting the *nursery* to give gifts to the *nursery* pupils, and she is a big girl now.

If Santa is ivsiting or has visited her school, then her granddad can remind her of that. If he isn't, they can explain that the visit was just for little children.

I think this was wholly inappropriate and extremely rude of the grandfather. if he felt very strongly that his GD ought to get someothing then the way for him to deal with that would be to buy a small gift for her himself, not to try to coerce the nursery into giving him double what other families were getting, or involving them in a situation where GS was forced to give up the gift Santa brought him.

heartbreak_star

That's the thing I can't wrap my head around - why not buy a gift for DGD rather than give DGS's gift back?

HBS x

TBagpuss

Person_one wrote: »

I know I'll get a load of flak for this, but what hell...

My parents and grandparents have always had a 'tradition' since the sixties that siblings get a small token present on each other's birthdays. My siblings who are parents themselves now do the same. It hasn't at all resulted in entitlement, jealousy or anything negative, but in siblings who are close as adults and who value things like kindness and fairness most highly and aren't remotely materialistic.

They never expected anybody else to do the same of course. I don't really see why it's so terrible, and it wasn't at all hard to break the pattern. My mum in her fifties doesn't expect presents on her siblings' birthdays still funnily enough!

Oh and I would never turn up to see a new baby without a little something for the older siblings.

I think this is the key. If you have a family tradition that, *within the family* children get a small gift from their parents on their sibling's birthdays, that's a nice family tradition. The issue would be if your parents had demanded that (say) if you had a birthday party, your friends had to bring gifts for all your siblings as well as for you, or that ifyou went to a party, the hosts had to send you home with party bags or cake for your siblings as well as for you.

It's the same with new babies. Certianly when I send a gift for a new baby I would normally also send something small for any existing child - not because I think it's unfair not to or becuae I feel it is something I *ought* to do, but becuase it feels like a nice gesture. And again, I think if parents chose to have a git or gifts for older siblinhgs in that scenario then that is their choice. It's only a problem if they try to enforce their choice on other people, or to tach their children that they are 'owed'extra gifts in that kind of situation.

Person_one

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm pretty sure you didn't either......and neither did I.

Then what was the point you were making with your post? I've clearly not understood.