I want to work, but how with two tinies?

ognum

I think this thread should be shut down.

The OP has enough psychological damage without untrained, unprofessional people analysing her. This could be very damaging.

I know everyone is trying to help her but she needs professional help and guidance not the advice of an Internet forum and if posters have professional skills in this area they should be aware of the harm that can be done with limited knowledge and no face to face contact.

Many of the comments on here including mine before I back read her posting history could have serious consequences for the OP.

Goldiegirl

LittleMissAspie wrote: »

Did you not read the link on page 2? Her husband has sex with her whether she wants to or not. I doubt it was her choice to have the most recent child.

muddywellies, you are displaying distinct signs of complex post traumatic stress and you need psychological help. Please go to your GP and ask for therapy, they will help you.

No I didn't - but I have now. In the light of that, I think that maybe the OP needs to put the idea of a job on the back burner for a while, and concentrate on just getting away from the husband.


But in a non abusive relationship, surely responsible people discuss the effect that children would have on their lives, before going ahead? Like MissBiggles, I was surprised that at least one poster on here thought that was an odd concept!

muddywellies

Hello, and thank you.

Our first child was born in 2007, and I went back to work after I had him. I never planned not to work although originally our/my intention was to work part time. I hadn't planned to have a baby so young (I was only 25 when I had him) and I did find maternity leave isolating and troubling.

Before having child1, I hadn't exactly been a career girl but I'd worked in a department with other young women aged between 23-30 and so I fit right in and I liked the sense of belonging and friendship. and the money, lol.

But when I went back after maternity leave I was a good two stone fatter and being part time I missed out on stuff and I was doing a rubbish job and I knew everyone was talking about me. So I left, and I did get another job after that but I guess my confidence has just nosedived and I did a bad job.

I spent two years or so not doing very much I suppose. I would take my child to school and go to the gym and then spend the afternoon with my animals and doing the house and garden - did a lot of house renovation stuff. And then decided to have another baby. I got pregnant in July 2013. I never find pregnancy easy. It's the sickness and exhaustion and it doesn't go after 12 weeks for me. So when I was pregnant, especially as the bulk of it was autumn/winter time I just slept loads and then I had my daughter in mid April 2014. And my husband started being odd and mean and controlling (he'd pretty much left me to my own devices when i stopped work in 2011, I don't mean he ignored me but just sort of let me get on with stuff) but after DD it was back to controlling friendships and everything else.

I decided to leave. Only I wanted to make sure I had a few basics in place like a job ... So I tried but it was very difficult. And then I got pregnant again.

I seriously thought about terminating. But the thing was I'd already had a termination. We'd tried for a baby in autumn 2011 and I got pregnant but I just felt I couldn't go through with it and I had a termination at 8 weeks. And although initially I felt relieved that still haunts me now And I just couldn't do it a second time. But that pregnancy was utter hell as it was practically back to back with the other one and I just spewed all the time and I cried all the time and I hated everything and myself most of all. I threw him out as I hated him, as I saw it as his fault (it was!)

But with it all, was this sense of needing him - he was the only one showing me support and kindness, hugging me and rubbing my back as I vomited for the 100000th time and saying how sorry he was but that the baby would be beautiful and loved and deserved us both.

Weirdly this is the first of my children I adored unequivocally as soon as I saw her. The other two it was a slow burn but with this one I felt like she was mine. And she's a lovely baby, hardly ever cries, and she loves me, and when you've got nothing, and when you've got no one, you need that.

I want her, and my elder daughter and son, to have a mum they are proud of and its so hard knowing how best to achieve that, maybe it looks easy on paper but in real life it's just not.

muddywellies

Oh and honestly don't worry about upsetting me.

There is absolutely nothing you can say I don't already know about what I should have done beforehand. But I hope people will understand that although I have made mistakes and some of those mistakes are very serious, the love I have for my children is sincere.

supersaver2

mel48rose wrote: »

How many people do that :rotfl:

To be fair many do. Me and my wife have 1 child and this decision was led by our finances. To many people only see the nice, fluffy side of having children and ignore the practicalities. 2 children under 2 years are going to cost an awful lot in childcare fees, they can't be a shock to anybody surely?

muddywellies

We can afford our children, it's the question of life long term. I can see me never working again, which seems - weird.

fabforty

muddywellies wrote: »

We can afford our children, it's the question of life long term. I can see me never working again, which seems - weird.

You can work once your children are in school - you keep saying that you can never work again, which just sounds over dramatic. A few more years - 4 or 5 - isn't forever. Try family friendly employers - civil service, Local Government for example, which allow flexible working patterns, leave when children are sick, time off for medical appointments etc.

ziggy2004

I guess it starts by looking at what you want.

I stayed home initially after I had my children and we had planned for me to go back to work part time when our youngest child would start primary. I spent time gaining extra skills to make sure that I would not feel completely out of the loop and to make sure I would be able to find a job I liked doing ( I did admin work for the government before children and did not like it)

I ended up working as self employed and then found my ideal job before my youngest was at school, made it work with some juggling. The main point for me was that had i not been preparing for going back to work eventually and gaining the skills I needed I would have had to let the perfect job pass me by.

If not working right now is what is best for you that does not mean you have to sit on the sofa all day and watch Jeremy Kyle ( really this is not what SAHM do!!), go out and volunteer for your local toddler group ( looks great on your CV and can be fun too), work part time even if it is a job you do not want to do long term you can gain extra skills this way, do an online course etc etc, there is so much that you can do. Start by deciding what you want to achieve and then see how you can get there.

chelseablue

Of course you can work again - I know a couple of people with 3 children who work, one is a single parent who's husband left her.


If you were to separate from your husband what is your housing situation? Do you own or rent?

mel48rose

supersaver2 wrote: »

To be fair many do. Me and my wife have 1 child and this decision was led by our finances. To many people only see the nice, fluffy side of having children and ignore the practicalities. 2 children under 2 years are going to cost an awful lot in childcare fees, they can't be a shock to anybody surely?

All my children were planned and I worked all through. My comment was referring to the thousands of people who just keep knocking kids out not caring who is going to fund them.