Is it normal to become bored and fed up with a relationship?

Caleb11

Yes I agree and him goinh his work trip will at least give us some break which I'm sure will help.

Of course after 7 years together and all of my adult life being with him, I am scared. He has all the control of the finances and our "plans" so it is daunting. But I also long for the day where I am alone and free to do what I want, when I want with question or explaining myself all of the time.

And with regards to call him "my son", I think it's just a bit of a habit. I call him my son to my work colleagues etc., I wouldn't say "our son". He is "our son" but he's also "my son" and "his son". I don't mean it in the sense that he's mine and only mine. I do have almost 80% of the responsibility of him in our relationship, from feeding him to washing and ironing his clothes to sorting out his things for nursery and planning his weekends. His dad happily allows me to deal with all the stuff and maybe that's why I say "my son" but I certainly do not think he's only mine, at all! In fact I wish he was more involved.

And reading my posts back I do also say "our son" so I don't think I'd read too much into that.

Mojisola

Caleb11 wrote: »

Of course after 7 years together and all of my adult life being with him, I am scared.

He has all the control of the finances and our "plans" so it is daunting. But I also long for the day where I am alone and free to do what I want, when I want with question or explaining myself all of the time.

You haven't really had the chance at an adult life yet because he has been behaving like a parent to you, controlling your spending and what you do.

It will seem daunting but you have a job and have done the majority of the work bringing up your little boy - you will be able to cope!

Morglin

Caleb11 wrote: »

Thank you for your reply Big Anty. Your correct in everything you say.

Obviously I still care about him a lot and it hurts me to see him so hurt. Last night he broke down crying and it killed me. It's hard to think straight when your emotions are being tested so much.

He leaves for a work trip on the 14 December. Until then we have our sons birthday on Monday and we have just agreed to focus on that and not let our relationship issues ruin it for him.

As I'm in this mindset, more and more examples of him being "controlling" come to my mind and make me think "I'm definetly doing the right thing". Even if he does change i don't think we would be able to get over me ending it and I feel It would always be held against me in the relationship going forwards.

But he seems to have accepted that the house isn't being sold and I will be moving into it after Christmas. We rent a house at the moment so will put the notice in soon to leave. I've also put the notice into my sons nursery which is 2 months so Jan is the soonest we can go. until then I just need to be strong and remain focused on why I have decided this. It's hard as we need to live together and can't really get away - I can't go and visit my mum for example.

Even if I take the "controlling" issues away I think day to day of our relationship and although it isn't "bad" it isn't great either. He works ALOT and his focus on myself and our son aren't high. I feel a lot of things come before us. For example he never offers to do anything with our son. He's taken him to the park once in the full time we've moved and that was so I could clean the house. He's not interested in helping me out where as I can genuinely say I always think of him first. Every weekend I get up with our son and let him have a longn lie. He'd never offer that I always need to ask. It's not a big deal but I'm just fed up of being taken for granted.

Also I don't feel particualty attracted to him and I do dread being intimiate. That might be my own personal problem I don't know but I just feel the love has gone.

I felt, at about the same age, much the same as you. Married to a man that I had grown out of, and one who was quietly always trying to exert control. I had two kids, and feeling guilty for feeling as I did.

I was a coward, as leaving seemed to be so much hassle, and I wanted the kids to have their Dad. I got a career, worked a lot, and basically avoided him as much as possible.

My long marriage, like a lot of others, consisted of my cowardice and lack of ambition!

He wasn't nasty, no real faults that were that bad, I just realised what a mistake I had made, getting married so young, in my rush to get away from my mother.

It want until I became disabled (which bought out an even more controlling and unpleasant side to him) and had to stop work, that my "lightbulb moment" came - the kids were grown, so I upped and left.

I had been married for 32 years, and it was tough at first . He turned really nasty, I had to give him more money, but I just kept quiet, pressed on, and made a life.

I have since remarried, adore my husband, and so regret the years I wasted with my first husband.

If you don't love him, then leave. Life is too short to waste on someone you don't want to be with.

Good luck.

Lin

Guest101

Caleb11 wrote: »

Ok so I have called the estate agent and taken the house off the market so that's one less thing I have to deal with at the moment. - Sensible.

i got a call this morning about strong interest from a buyer and it made me panic thinking "I don't want to sell it!" So I told my partner and I told him that I didn't want to sell it. Straight away he was angry and telling me that it wasn't the right decision and we are taking a step back as a family. We should be buying or next family home. - Well if you two aren't emotionally ready there's no point. Though having an empty property wont help either.

But I'm certain im not going to sell it so I just said no I've made up my mind. Straight away he started threatening that if we split up I won't get the maintenanve money that I expect to get and that he'll have my son 2/3 nights per week." - Well 2/3 nights a week isn't unreasonable, if you can make it work. Obviously maintenance would need to be calculated. - what his wage?

He then also said that even if we do split up he wants me to sell the house as he put some money into the deposit- which he wants back as well as 50/50 of the profit of the house plus our savings. - Well he's entitled to his share of the deposit, possibly 50% of the equity and his share of any savings. But I told him he can't have it all ways. He either gets the money he put into the deposit plus 50/50 of the savings or we split the equity in the house 50/50. He doesn't get both. - Not really upto to you to decide, since a judge will do that. Without me getting the mortgage in my name and paying it my myself whilst he moves away for a year to work - his deposit would not have grown the way it did with the house. - But presumably he provided in other ways, outside of mortgage payments? He then said im stealing from him and he'll make sure everyone knows - especially my son. - You cant control what he says, but there are slander and libel laws.

Anyways then he started threatening that CSA can't enforce he pays a anytjing and that he's been "researching" it online. - He's sort of right. The CSA wont, but the CMS will.

So basically the first thing he speaks about when discussing a separation is money and how to scare me into not leaving

Then when he realised I wasn't scared he turned on the sympathy card and how I've hurt him so much etc. - Have you?

I think this is it for us. Nothing's going to change. Before becoming pregnant we were on a "break" as I was young and wanted to go out and he wouldn't let me or would guilt trip me into not going. - well it sounds like you werent ready for adulthood yet, not a criticism, just an observation. I tried to end it but I felt too guilty. Then I fell pregnant which was a result of missing my pill. Suddenly I didn't want to go out anymore so the controlling part wasn't an issue. Until I went on maternity leave and he started controlling the finances and I couldn't spend anything and making me feel guilty if i did. It's never going to change and I'm finally becoming surer and surer of what I need to do.

Goodluck!!

Caleb11

He works a lot of overtime and is on call 2/3 weeks of the month meaning he works through the night (from home) sometimes. He also travels often with work. So when he says he wants to split custody 2/3 nights a week I know he's scaring me into thinking "God im going to be seeing our son a lot less am I really sure I want this". In reality I don't think practically it will be 2/3 nights per week. Maybe some weeks yes but then other weeks it won't be as hell be away so it'll all even out. haveHis salary is roughly £70,000 a year. Mine is £26,000.

Regarding a judge deciding - we aren't married the property is in my name - so I don't think that would be the case?

Yes I've hurt him by having these discussions and thoughts that I want to end it. Other than that no- I havn't hurt him in any way.

I wasn't ready for adulthood at that stage no.

tara747

Caleb11 wrote: »

Are these the "downs" of a relationship that people speak about when they say their relationship has had ups and downs? Given how high the divorce rate is now a days, is it due to the fact that people throw in the towel when it all becomes a bit boring?

If I could ask any of my family for advice it would be this - how do you know when your relationship is just a bit stale and in need of shaking up a bit or when it is over?

I'll give a bit of background. Myself and my boyfriend have been together for 7 years. We have a 4 year old son together. We've been through a lot - his parents dying, him moving 500 miles away for a job and me looking after our son whilst he was gone, me then relocating to join him in his new location and getting a job. I know him inside out and generally we get on well.

We do however have some key personality differences which seem to be the source of all our arguments. They don't happen often but when they do it's pretty bad.

Anyway through out our relationship there have been times where I get these feelings of unhappiness - they are usually brought on my an "event" which makes me question the relationship. Most recently it was a miscarriage where he was less than supportive. It makes me think " is this really what I want" kind of scanario and I fantasize about life without him. In many ways he's an amazing father and boyfriend. But in other ways he feels more like a father figure - quite controlling and possessive and I often feel like I need to hide things (like spending money) to save him lecturing me.

Anyway... I am having one of these "episodes" I can only call it. And it makes me think is this what I want? It's strange because for the past year or so our relationship was quite good. Although I was looking for more commitment from him in the form of marriage/a proposal but he refused and that hurt me although I thought I could get over it. We planned a baby as we both wanted a sibling for our son and another child. When I lost the baby he wasn't there physically or emotionally for me. He worked constantly and couldn't spare one hour away from work to comfort me or come to hospital. That hurt.

Anyway I don't have any family in my new location as we relocated for jobs and my sister came to visit us. I was quite down about everything and he knew this and I asked to go for dinner with my sister for some "me time". He said no basically - but I talked him round and I went out. I'm 24 and never get any time away from my family and I feel hurt. He goes away for work a lot and a part of this is having "nights out" with his work mates. I hate how I need to beg him at 24 to have a life.

But I hate my situation. I feel trapped and like I need to stay as we are a family. But I don't feel in love with him. I'm not physically attracted to him anymore and I know that's shallow and I can actually get past that - but I don't feel an emotional connection to him either. And I just don't know what to do.

Do all relationships end up like this? I know they are hard work and take patience and compromise but I just feel, I don't know - deflated? That this is my life. I don't have any friends or family or life. I have him and my son and feel no connection with him.

We have planned to move "home" after Christmas and I'm hoping that may help our relationship as we can have a babysitter and maybe some date nights and I can go out with friends again. But at the moment I just feel so down/stressed in my current situation. I work full time and so does he although he works much more than full time (he's on call a lot and works in IT so basically spends all night on the laptop.)

I don't even know why I'm writing this. Part of me wishes I could ask my parents if this is "normal" feelings of a relationship. But they're both divorced so probably not the best people to ask.

Caleb11 wrote: »

After asking for marriage for the last year and being told no, he wasn't ready, it's a waste of money etc. He is now saying he'll marry me now I tell him I'm not happy and won't be buying another house. But I feel like I'm twisting his arm and it just doesn't feel right now.

He does say he wants to fight for our relationship. I've said on several times over the last month I'm not sure I want this relationship anymore. He then has a sudden personality change where he is the nicest, kindest person. But it's not genuine and it'll soon go back to how it was and it just feels false. My feelings have changed completely and I do not want him kissing or cuddling me and this hurts his feelings. What I wonder is if it's just a "phase" or a "down" part of our relationship and if it's normal. That's what's confusing. I hold hope that my feelings will change again. But I feel resentment towards him and almost feel like I can't be bothered to try at the moment.

My sisters are coming down this weekend to visit again and I'm sure that'll help me but anytime they come he acts in a way that upsets me (making me feel bad for going for dinner most recently) but also spending money when they are down. My sister and I went to the shop one time she was down. I rarely eat crisps or chocolate but I sister loves it so in the shop she stacked the basket full of treats. When I got home he went mental saying "what the hell are you doing buying all this junk and wasting money" In front of my sister (even though he knows for a fact it was not me that would have been putting in the basket) then on top of that I didn't even buy it, my sister paid for it. it makes me uncomfortable and my sister comments on how unreasonable it is. There are other examples or similiar instances.

So it makes me dread them visiting. Even though I should look forward to it.

He is controlling.
This isn't how a relationship is supposed to be.
Yes, he's now warming to the idea of marriage, but only because he's panicking that you might leave him.
You're only 24, don't waste your life being put down like this.

Re the confusion and 'personality changes', google the cycle of abuse, I think this is the situation you've been in. I read your last few posts with relief, you're doing the right thing getting out. Keep posting on this thread and let us know how you get on!

http://www.respect4women.org/what-is-abuse/the-cycle-of-abuse/

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

tara747

Oh and, whether he likes it or not, he WILL be required to support his child financially.

justme111

Guest , equity in the house consists of deposit and payments made later. He can not have "half of deposit " AND "half of equity" because it would mean she pays him twice , I am surprised it is not obvious
Caleb , I can not find words to describe a man who wants to sell that house while his child is 4 and you mostly look after him and with that difference in income and on top of it saying you will not get child support payments from him !
I would drop him like a stone after that. If you were married he would be riddled with not only child support but maintenance payments to you very likely. (Possible reasons for him not wanting to get married now transpire when you said what your respective incomes were).

Guest101

Caleb11 wrote: »

He works a lot of overtime and is on call 2/3 weeks of the month meaning he works through the night (from home) sometimes. He also travels often with work. So when he says he wants to split custody 2/3 nights a week I know he's scaring me into thinking "God im going to be seeing our son a lot less am I really sure I want this". In reality I don't think practically it will be 2/3 nights per week. - He could amend his working hours. + if he's working from home when you son would be asleep I dont think thats at all imptractica. Again though a judge will decide if you 2 cants. Maybe some weeks yes but then other weeks it won't be as hell be away so it'll all even out. haveHis salary is roughly £70,000 a year. Mine is £26,000. - So he would pay roughly £104 a week, assuming no pension payments and 2/3 nights a week.

Regarding a judge deciding - we aren't married the property is in my name - so I don't think that would be the case? - If he goes to court it wuld be the case. And if he has money invested in the property he has a right to recoup that investment.

Yes I've hurt him by having these discussions and thoughts that I want to end it. Other than that no- I havn't hurt him in any way. - Thats fair enough.

I wasn't ready for adulthood at that stage no.

Not trying to scare you, just giving you a heads up.

Guest101

justme111 wrote: »

Guest , equity in the house consists of deposit and payments made later. He can not have "half of deposit " AND "half of equity" because it would mean she pays him twice , I am surprised it is not obvious - Im not sure I follow. He paid money towards the deposit of the property. So that is clearly due back to him. He is entitled to yield gained during ownership, as were it not for his deposit, there would be no yield. If you means i isnt entitled to 50% + the deposit. I agree he's not. But is he entitled to his deposit and some of the yield gained, yes he is.
Caleb , I can not find words to describe a man who wants to sell that house while his child is 4 and you mostly look after him and with that difference in income and on top of it saying you will not get child support payments from him !
I would drop him like a stone after that. If you were married he would be riddled with not only child support but maintenance payments to you very likely. (Possible reasons for him not wanting to get married now transpire when you said what your respective incomes were).

Spousal maintenance is incredibly rare these days.

Often its given for spouses who are disabed and have no ability to earn. That's not the case here.