Is it normal to become bored and fed up with a relationship?

Caleb11

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Guest101

I agree, I think you could use therapy to root out the cause and solution for all this.


He might be struggling with the M/C too and unsure of what to say or do.

Mojisola

Caleb11 wrote: »

The thought of losing what we've got fills me with fear and dread. But the thought of being with him forever also does.

This is why a separation could help. It can be hard to make a decision when you are in the middle of something.

Move back home, get contact going with family and friends and take control of your life - then decide whether you are happier like that or whether you are really missing him (and I mean him, not just 'another person').

BigAunty

I get the impression from your posts that he is very judgemental which chips away at your confidence and a bit stingy, seeing you as a bit of a leech on his income.

I think you have to ask whether his controlling nature- the one that puts you down and undermines your opinions and decisions - and attitude to sharing income - is ever going to change. By your own admission, he bucks up for a short while when you challenge the status of the relationship, then he goes back to his old ways.

I have been in a situation where I was frequently undermined (very politely actually) in all manner of small things on multiple occasions every day. It included being challenged about the things I bought, tasks I forgot to do or didn't do to standard, to how I cooked and cleaned.

It also had fairly ridiculous elements to it - disproportionate over-reactions. For you, it was the anger directed at food gifts bought by your sister. For me, I actually had a hoover wrestled out of my hands for having the 'wrong' attachment on it for the type of hoovering I was doing.

It's very corrosive and this was despite the fact that there were no arguments about money and I was free to do anything socially that I liked, unlike you. I hated the imbalance where I seemed always to have to justify and defend myself over what I regarded as trivial matters. I resented the way that my actions and decisions seemed to be constantly monitored and challenged. It's very hard to relax when you know the other person is going to critique everything that you do and you end up in some kind of pattern where you feel you have to please them and put their opinions and attitude first.

Recently, you have expressed doubts to your partner about your relationship. Once again, he has taken command (particularly as you haven't snapped up his offer of marriage) and he is now dominating the decision making, putting pressure on you,because he's not getting his way as he expected by capitulating to marriage. He has managed to turn it from your decision to end the relationship to it being his decision.

"I came home from work tonight and he said he isn't going to be messed around anymore. I either make up my mind what I want or we split up. ."

Caleb11

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Mojisola

Caleb11 wrote: »

Where he starts to "demand" and answer of what I want and that I'm making a big mistake as he is "gives me a nice life and I won't ever have to worry about money. He's faithful and a nice person and he knows he's not this bad person I make out".

It's easy for him to say this because he's not on the receiving end of the treatment he dishes out to you.

Do you think he would say you were a nice person if you were doing to him what he does to you?

tea_lover

He could be the nicest person in the world, that doesn't mean you have to stay with him if you don't want to.

BigAunty

At one level, he does give you a nice life where you won't ever have to worry about money. He is a faithful and a nice person and he knows he's not overly bad. So that's probably a true opinion for both of you.

However, on another level he acts disrespectfully by undermining your decisions and trying to influence your actions, running roughshod over your feelings, by the sounds of it. This part he doesn't see or accept.

Perhaps, if he's like my partner, he strongly feels that his opinion is the best one and that he knows better than you and for the greater good, you should just capitulate. It's very hard to resist this type of onslaught.

It's hard for you to articulate this and it sounds like he can criticise you with ease but can't take it. What you see as an attitude or behaviour that hurts you, he probably sees as proof that he cares - who are you to put junk food in your body, don't you know its wrong to spend his money on non-essentials, why are you wasting your time grieving for something that's not a baby but just a blob? etc.

Have you thought of relationship counselling? That way you can both get things off your chest in the presence of an expert who is presumably trained to allow you to articulate how you feel without him trying to curtail your opinions.

It may also perhaps cover the origins of why your partner maybe so controlling. He is bereaved and you mentioned that he may have experienced some childhood trauma from an alcoholic parent. Although it's only cod and amateur psychology, my partner had a terrible upbringing and I do wonder whether the controlling side comes from the chaos they had to experience passively as a child. I saw this kind of behaviour, too, from an ex who was ashamed of their childhood and where their siblings had died in childhood.

I successfully pushed back on my partner's domineering and judgemental side and I feel a weight has been lifted from me. I didn't realise how much mental energy was spent trying to please them, or at least avoid censure. However, even though my partner accepted and were humbled when I outlined the harm that was done to me by their constant intervention and judgements, it still creeps back as it's probably part of their character, and I have to push back.

For instance, recently I suggested what present I would like for Xmas and it was rejected and I was told why it was a bad idea and why their idea was better. I put forward an argument as to why I preferred my idea and still it seemed I was going to get a gift (yes a more expensive one and yes, I had expressed a wish for it in the past) but I just have another priority now.

Again and again, my request was demolished. I was pretty much going to get a gift forced upon me against my will, even after articulating several times why I didn't want it. This kind of thing, now I have stepped outside of the dynamic, I just find weird,frustrating and unacceptable. I pretty much flipped about being undermined on quite a basic decision and told them to shove it, but in the past I might just have acquiesced just as the path of least resistence. I hate being steam rollered and won't put up with it now. It's very hard to find a voice though, if you've had yours eroded.

BigAunty

Caleb11 wrote: »

I was quite down about everything and he knew this and I asked to go for dinner with my sister for some "me time". He said no basically - but I talked him round and I went out.

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You have pitched this as a one-off act of resistance on his part and where you got your own way rather than a pattern of control.

But trying to sabotage a rare social activity on your part and the attempt to isolate you from private time with a sibling is an alarm bell ringer.

Why did he think it was up to him to 'authorise' and give permission to you for this and why did you feel the need to check he was okay with it rather than just tell him of your plans?

justme111

Caleb, please don't feel guilty for not knowing. It is very hard to know when the change is coming and you have history and child together - of course it would be difficult to be clear you don't want him. You are a human being, not a computer that operates in binary mode. Give yourself space and time to figure it out. If I were you and my husband applied pressure on me to tell hum rather than going out of his way to get me back it would been a clear indication that he does not respect my emotions and not a chance in hell he will change and I might have flipped in a negative way "you want an answer ? - you are not moving with me , and I will pay you off for your part of the house". You may want to explain to him that any pressure will result in this. You do not owe him response! My advice to you would be NOT engage in any conversation that is originated from his pressure.
BigAunty , it is like living in a cage with tiger being constantly in a tiger taming mode. If one is skilled at it one may enjoy benefits it brings. If one does not manage - than that's shame but they are not one for another