Is it normal to become bored and fed up with a relationship?

justme111

BigAunty , if he did not discuss present with you conflict could been avoided. He would get what he thinks right, you would accept it gratefully and gracefully. He was wrong in starting to discuss it if he was not prepared to take on board what you said.

Caleb11

Ok so I have called the estate agent and taken the house off the market so that's one less thing I have to deal with at the moment.

i got a call this morning about strong interest from a buyer and it made me panic thinking "I don't want to sell it!" So I told my partner and I told him that I didn't want to sell it. Straight away he was angry and telling me that it wasn't the right decision and we are taking a step back as a family. We should be buying or next family home.

But I'm certain im not going to sell it so I just said no I've made up my mind. Straight away he started threatening that if we split up I won't get the maintenanve money that I expect to get and that he'll have my son 2/3 nights per week."

He then also said that even if we do split up he wants me to sell the house as he put some money into the deposit- which he wants back as well as 50/50 of the profit of the house plus our savings. But I told him he can't have it all ways. He either gets the money he put into the deposit plus 50/50 of the savings or we split the equity in the house 50/50. He doesn't get both. Without me getting the mortgage in my name and paying it my myself whilst he moves away for a year to work - his deposit would not have grown the way it did with the house. He then said im stealing from him and he'll make sure everyone knows - especially my son.

Anyways then he started threatening that CSA can't enforce he pays a anytjing and that he's been "researching" it online.

So basically the first thing he speaks about when discussing a separation is money and how to scare me into not leaving

Then when he realised I wasn't scared he turned on the sympathy card and how I've hurt him so much etc.

I think this is it for us. Nothing's going to change. Before becoming pregnant we were on a "break" as I was young and wanted to go out and he wouldn't let me or would guilt trip me into not going. I tried to end it but I felt too guilty. Then I fell pregnant which was a result of missing my pill. Suddenly I didn't want to go out anymore so the controlling part wasn't an issue. Until I went on maternity leave and he started controlling the finances and I couldn't spend anything and making me feel guilty if i did. It's never going to change and I'm finally becoming surer and surer of what I need to do.

justme111

Well done. If you two treat the house as common property then money he put towards it is common property as well (not "his" as he got that money while being with you. I hope you will not become disappointed in his complete lack of appreciation of your fairness as you could have said that he will get sod all from that house reasoning like this :" if he does not appreciate me being good what is the point of being good, I may as well be bad ".
Do not engage in arguments!

Caleb11

Thank you. I know he's just trying to scare me into not acting and trying to hurt me because he's hurt too.

BigAunty

I suppose your decision to sell the house has made him show his true colours, though the prospect of a relationship break up does make people very emotional. It's going to be a roller-coaster for you as he will be on the offensive now he's not getting his own way.

The negative issues you have experienced with him that have made you think carefully about the relationship have been foregrounded by his reaction.

Namely, that you had an anxiety that he was a control freak around money and now he has made spectacular claims on your property and has threatened not to meet his financial obligations for child maintenance. I suppose he's taken the gloves off and shown you that he sees you as exploitative and a waste of his money, that what is yours is his, while what is his is his alone.

You have also indicated that you find him a little manipulative in order to get his own way. It's fairly natural for someone who is being dumped to ask or plead for a second chance so there's nothing unusual in the 'sympathy card' approach.

I guess you just have to consider that the negative aspects of his behaviour that have made you decide to end the relationship are going to come to the fore because he is losing control. Things are probably likely to get worse because you have challenged his authority and, as you know from much smaller instances in the past, he doesn't like it.

Did you offer relationship counselling as an option?

BigAunty

Caleb11 wrote: »

Thank you. I know he's just trying to scare me into not acting and trying to hurt me because he's hurt too.

Yes, he's hurt and is lashing out, perhaps will try to sabotage things to restore his damaged pride. Let him get it out of his system, even if this does involve trying to damage your reputation.

However, statistically, many non-resident parents do routinely fail to contribute towards their children despite the CSA (now called the Child Maintenance Service) and do lose contact with their children.

You've already indicated that when your relationship was actually flourishing, he wasn't the most generous of souls. So there is a risk that he won't pay a penny but this isn't the time to worry about it.

By the sounds of it, you have the capacity to be financially independent anyway.

Caleb11

Thank you for your reply Big Anty. Your correct in everything you say.

Obviously I still care about him a lot and it hurts me to see him so hurt. Last night he broke down crying and it killed me. It's hard to think straight when your emotions are being tested so much.

He leaves for a work trip on the 14 December. Until then we have our sons birthday on Monday and we have just agreed to focus on that and not let our relationship issues ruin it for him.

As I'm in this mindset, more and more examples of him being "controlling" come to my mind and make me think "I'm definetly doing the right thing". Even if he does change i don't think we would be able to get over me ending it and I feel It would always be held against me in the relationship going forwards.

But he seems to have accepted that the house isn't being sold and I will be moving into it after Christmas. We rent a house at the moment so will put the notice in soon to leave. I've also put the notice into my sons nursery which is 2 months so Jan is the soonest we can go. until then I just need to be strong and remain focused on why I have decided this. It's hard as we need to live together and can't really get away - I can't go and visit my mum for example.

Even if I take the "controlling" issues away I think day to day of our relationship and although it isn't "bad" it isn't great either. He works ALOT and his focus on myself and our son aren't high. I feel a lot of things come before us. For example he never offers to do anything with our son. He's taken him to the park once in the full time we've moved and that was so I could clean the house. He's not interested in helping me out where as I can genuinely say I always think of him first. Every weekend I get up with our son and let him have a longn lie. He'd never offer that I always need to ask. It's not a big deal but I'm just fed up of being taken for granted.

Also I don't feel particualty attracted to him and I do dread being intimiate. That might be my own personal problem I don't know but I just feel the love has gone.

msb5262

Why can't you visit your mum, OP?

Caleb11

Well Its a 6.5 hour drive back home and I work full time and don't have any holidays left to take. The train is 4 hours but I need to travel unti london which is another hour and then travelling alone with our son is just a nightmare.

Semple

It sounds like you both at least need a break.

From reading your posts I get the slight impression that you also have a fear of being alone, which may be driving your uncertainty about calling an end to the relationship.

It's also concerning how you refer to your son, as "my" son, rather than "our" son. I'm not sure if that's how you're wording it, or how he's wording it. (ref post 63. i noticed your last post does mention "our son")