Staying in a marriage you think might be abusive

Wellyboots6

In your opening post you say you are currently separated. So is your dilemma about whether you should go back to him, or have you already gone back and are asking if you should stay?

If you are separated, then I would suggest giving yourself a deadline of a month say. Spend that month doing everything you can to build a life for yourself and your children. If at the end of the month you still want to go back then do, but try and maintain the progress in your own life you have made.

If you are asking whether to stay, then the same applies. Just because you are with him doesnt mean you cant start working on your own confidence, finances, practical skills etc. There may be a point in the future when you need to draw on your own resources, e.g. if he gets ill and spends time in hospital.

Either way, the fact you posted at all suggests you are at least slightly unhappy with your situation, so take that as a cue to start changing things for the better. Your relationship status doesn't need to put a stop to you trying to help yourself.

Also, don't fall in to the trap of thinking that if your children witness negative things at home it will mean they will be more determined that this wont happen in their own relationships. There are aspects of my parents way of life that I am determined will not happen in my own, but I still catch myself replicating things without even realising.

balletshoes

muddywellies wrote: »

No, I know this for a fact. the money is tied up in property and therefore don't have access to cash.

In any case realistically benefits aren't enough for the various crises that will inevitably ensue.

crises like what for example?

muddywellies

Stuff breaking. Not having any fallback to fix it. At the moment I can't afford to take my eldest to school. (I can because husband has stepped in.)

Being pulled every which way. Not being able to physically do a lot of stuff because I can't be in two places at once. Not being able to give my children the childhood they deserve. (He wouldn't rebuke me or chastise me in front of them and they think he is wonderful - my son does, my elder daughter is very attached to me at the moment but that'll probably change.)

My son already resents me for us splitting and is desperate for him to move back. If he doesn't come back my son wishes to live with his dad.

Pollycat

muddywellies wrote: »

Don't hate me because I can't leave.

He's all I've got.

We don't hate you, we don't even know you.

We're only saying what we'd say to our friend, next door neighbour, Jenny-down-the-pub if they told us what you've posted here.

muddywellies wrote: »

I've already spoken to women's aid when I tried to leave before.

It's impossible to put into words how it feels when your children are in bed and you are sat knowing that you're the only thing they have and they are all you have, and it's just not enough.

And did Women's Aid refuse to help you?

It might be impossible to put into words how you feel (and although I have been a victim too I do admit that I've not gone through anything like you describe above) but many women have been in as dire a situation and got out.

What will it take for you to get out?
When he breaks your arm? Knocks your teeth out?

Is the property you have money invested in in joint names?

muddywellies

No, they were lovely (women's aid) but it's same old. I rely on him not just financially but also emotionally. I don't have anyone for emotional support without him, and no one really can replace that.

Yes, the property is in joint names.

He would never knock my teeth out, I know he wouldn't.

GwylimT

muddywellies wrote: »

Don't hate me because I can't leave.

He's all I've got.

What will you tell your children when he hits them?

What will you do when your son beats his girlfriends.

What will you think when your daughter ends up in an abusive relationship?

You and your husband will cause the above if you remain.

Pixie5740

What exactly is the "same old" from Women's Aid?

It's not heathy to rely on one person for your emotional support. It's what gives him power over you. He probably makes it difficult for you to maintain relationships with other people but if you are separated from him this is something you can work on.

You also mention giving your children the childhood they deserve. What do you mean by that? Do you think they deserve to grow up with their father abusing their mother? You don't know how far things will escalate, one day you might end up picking your teeth up off the floor.

What will happen when your children grow up and leave home and there's just you and him left? You only live once and life is too short to live like this.

Pollycat

Pixie5740 wrote: »

What exactly is the "same old" from Women's Aid?

A very good question.

What did Womens Aid say to you?

I'm suspecting you gave them exactly what you're saying on here.

muddywellies wrote: »

If I leave, I just can't cope. I've tried it and it's just too hard juggling the children and everything. I can't do it.

muddywellies wrote: »

I also do believe my husband loves me but displays it by trying to control me, but it's not THAT bad.

muddywellies wrote: »

Don't hate me because I can't leave.

He's all I've got.

muddywellies wrote: »

I want to feel loved and cherished, and I DO.

That's probably 'the same old' that they hear all day every day from women in similar circumstances to you.

They can't wave a magic wand and make everything perfect for you - either within your relationship or outside of it.
The decision has to come from you -then they can step in and help.

74jax

If your daughter was going through this, feeling how do, same thoughts etc. What would you want her to do? Is it stay as she is confused, or try and build a life for her and your grandkids? Try and think what you would advise her.

If your future daughter in law left your son because he treated her the same and your son said he does it because his dad does it and you thought it was ok so he doesn't understand how his wife doesn't see it as ok, what would you say to him?

Maybe try and look at it through other people's eyes, the third person, to see if you want to stay or break the cycle.

thorsoak

Of course stuff happens. We were half-way through converting two hovels into a house/home (whilst still living there) with 4 children - 3, 5, 8 & 11 when our builder bu**ered off onto another job (having just received a £6,000 part-payment) when my OH had an accident, leaving him with brain damage.

At that time our nearest neighbours were over half a mile away, I had only just passed my driving test and I worked 35 miles away in the City, whilst OH took the chidren to school, to the nursery, picked them up after school/child-minder etc.

So who dealt with this situation? I did. Our families lived 80 miles away and could only offer moral support and local friends were still only acquaintances - but I coped. I bullied the builder,put on my Big Girl's Knickers and started driving the kids to and from school, managed to talk to the building society/bank/boss about money - all the time whilst visiting OH in hospital, reassuring kids that things would be alright - when I didn't know how the hell they would be. Talking, talking, talking to OH, trying to restart his memory etc.

That was over 35 years ago, when there was not as much welfare/financial help available as there is now. But I did it. I did cope, and things got back on track eventually - not maybe the same track as they were before, but it happened - because I did it.

You can do the same, my love - yes you can! Good luck.