Staying in a marriage you think might be abusive

System

If kids aren't around at the time a good argument may be necessary to put him in his place, a relationship needs brutal honesty to survive if it is going to, and bashing heads and asserting your rights is the only way to make it work without walking away, you can't sweep it under the carpet forever. Might surprise you that even if it gets ugly with him having to accept new terms he won't actually leave. I don't recommend it while driving though...

System

Also he should still assist with childcare even if u split

London50

I am afraid that although you are asking for advise until you deep down understand what is being said on here is correct you will stay as you are. You are convincing yourself that your partner is right in both what he says and the way he is and because of that you are making excuses for him. Like a person that has a drink problem until you and you alone excepts that you are not being treated as an equal you will carry on in this relationship,but when at last you cannot take it anymore and walk away {as hard as it will be} then you will wonder why you wasted all the time and tears by staying.
Life has not given you a fair hand and only you can change it and I hope for your sanity you do it sooner rather than later.

thorsoak

Going by what you state in post one, it IS an abusive marriage - and in the 21st century there is absolutely NO reason to stay in such a relationship.

You may think you love him - but he does not love you - he uses you to feel powerful.

VfM4meplse

muddywellies wrote: »

I think I do glad and irritate and sometimes I feel like I just get what I deserve.

OMG, where do you live? Stockholm?

jjj1980

muddywellies wrote: »

I think I do glad and irritate and sometimes I feel like I just get what I deserve.

No, you are getting what he has made you believe you deserve! Trust me, as I said above, I have been where you are now. Thinking I had to just put up and shut up, believing that there was no way out of it other than being destitute. Scared to leave the house because of the abuse I would get after, scared to go home if I had needed to go out because of what I would get home to. In a major panic if my phone battery was even slightly low as god forbid he couldn't contact me every 10 mins to check where I was. My phone once went dead whilst I was out. In the 1 hour it took me to get home and charge it enough to turn it on, I had around 50 texts and countless missed calls. There were 30 voicemails, each getting more abusive and threatening. How dare I ignore him, how dare I let my phone battery die when he had warned me it was never to happen etc.


Please, if you can safely find their details, visit a Sure Start centre. They are amazing! If you are worried about your other half finding out, you have been looking, if you PM me the details of a nearby business, something like a sandwich shop (really random), I will find the Sure Start details for you. I have known the staff attend solicitor meetings, court hearing etc with parent as a support. They mostly have nurseries attached, with contacts with the local council's Child Care Advisors who will be of help with any child care needs.


Even if something you do or say annoys him, he has no right treat you the way he is doing. If he is getting physical, there will undoubtedly come a time where the only way to stop him is push him away. This is self-defence, not the same as the abuse you are facing.

cmace2

muddywellies wrote: »

Thanks but I can't work as childcare costs too much and I'm really not entitled to any benefits (rightly so, I'm not complaining about the welfare state!)

But I can't. I just can't.

From your replies it looks like you will stay with him whatever we say but I just wanted to correct you on this. You can work and receive working tax credits and child tax credits. I am a single parent, work 32 hours a week, my child goes to nursery but the tax credits award covers 70% I think of his nursery costs, and the rest I receive in my award and my wages cover all my expenses. The more hours I work the better off I am with my tax credits and. Wages combined. Your ex's income doesn't affect anything and nor does the amount of child maintenance he pays you. My ex pays nothing and I still manage. Yes it's hard doing everything myself but I'm so much happier than I was in my relationship and having my independence back is great.

muddywellies

Unfortunately this is not true re the benefits you get. If your savings exceed a certain amount.

It's very, very hard to explain but I know issues with finances aren't insurmountable but they might well lead to me losing custody of the children and I can't. I might not be a brilliant mum but I really, really love my children.

I also do believe my husband loves me but displays it by trying to control me, but it's not THAT bad. Like an earlier example, he doesn't constantly ring me, I don't feel scared of him (a bit nervous if I've done something I know will !!!! him off) but I don't actually feel scared of him.

Mojisola

muddywellies wrote: »

Unfortunately this is not true re the benefits you get. If your savings exceed a certain amount.

Is this what he has told you?

If you have access to your half of the money, you can use that to live off.

If you don't, you can claim benefits.

muddywellies

No, I know this for a fact. the money is tied up in property and therefore don't have access to cash. In any case realistically benefits aren't enough for the various crises that will inevitably ensue.