Staying in a marriage you think might be abusive

muddywellies

Yes, I know - I'm not criticising women's aid; they are fabulous but it's ME who is hopeless!

It might not be healthy to rely on only one person for emotional support but if you've got nothing and no one, that's just what you have to do. Some days I don't even feel real, I have this feeling inside me that's beyond words of not even properly existing.

Obviously, like most parents, I want my children to be happy. I also know that the chances of that happening if they live with me are remote. I think they would grow up disturbed, resentful and fractious with me and with one another.

muddywellies

That was a nice post thors

74jax

muddywellies wrote: »

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Obviously, like most parents, I want my children to be happy. I also know that the chances of that happening if they live with me are remote. I think they would grow up disturbed, resentful and fractious with me and with one another.

how do you think they will turn out without you but him as the main parent?

katsu

As you are separated can you alone or you and he go to counselling with relate or something like that?

Maybe it will help you feel better about what you can do? If he goes too,maybe it will help clarify how he should behave etc?

I'm not an expert on DV but wondered if this would help.

Good luck.

thorsoak

You are NOT HOPELESS! You have been brainwashed into thinking this - somebody once said that women are like teabags - until you put them into hot water, you don't know how strong they can be!

Read again what I did - I'm not alone - and I did still have my OH, albeit one who was more like the 5th child that I had never planned on/wanted - but instead of me relying upon him, he had to rely upon me. You won't have that problem.

You WILL be able to get the kids to school, you WILL find that you can manage the house/broken down washing machine, duff electrics etc. You WILL be able to juggle finances (get a good rottweiler of a solicitor if you know that OH squirrels money away) and - what's more, you will gain the respect as well as love of your children, which leads to a great relationship as they grow up.

Come on - we're all routing for you!

katsu

Can you try and make some friends/do something as an activity for you when he has the children?

74jax

When I went through similar Womans Aid were amazing. Can you not call them daily so you have a conversation each day about you're feeling, how you will cope, how you plan to start a fresh. If you only call once a month say then you won't be getting the support you need.

Does he control your calls? That was similar to me if so, but I still found a way to call them. The more you hear you can do it from them, and plan as much as possible, the more real starting again can be.

muddywellies

Jax, it's impossible to say as I do the lions share of the childcare. He has some old fashioned ideas and views about children. I used to think I was definitely the better parent but now I'm not so sure.

Really and ideally I would be able to be strong and cope alone, but I can't. My anxiety levels are too high, I have too many children and I am too isolated.

thorsoak

Don't talk to me about anxiety levels - each night I would cry myself to sleep, each lunchtime at work, I would find a church and go in there - not to pray - I might yell and swear at a god that I hardly believed in in my head - but to cry. I'd come out, looking like a wild woman, then go into a loo somewhere to re-do my makeup and get back to the office for an afternoon full of clients and bosses. I had to keep my job, and in those days, you could be "let go" very, very easily!

So I had anxiety about my OH, children, house, and job - and found that crying (on my own) was the best release. My doctor (who was a wonderful woman) offered my tranx, but said that she felt that I wouldn't need them, that I was strong enough to get through it all on my own. I only had to call her, and she would deliver them to me personally if I thought I had come to the end of my tether - but I did manage without them.

You can do it - how many children do you have - you've mentioned one son and one daughter - how many others?

fuzzyduck22

muddywellies wrote: »

Yes, I know - I'm not criticising women's aid; they are fabulous but it's ME who is hopeless!

It might not be healthy to rely on only one person for emotional support but if you've got nothing and no one, that's just what you have to do. Some days I don't even feel real, I have this feeling inside me that's beyond words of not even properly existing.

Obviously, like most parents, I want my children to be happy. I also know that the chances of that happening if they live with me are remote. I think they would grow up disturbed, resentful and fractious with me and with one another.

The bit in bold has jumped out at me. Are your getting treatment for depression/PND??? If not then please seek some now xxx