Staying in a marriage you think might be abusive

skattykatty

The feeling of unreality and not properly existing shows you are suffering very high levels of anxiety. It is a normal, but distressing, reaction to what you are going through. You need to access support. Doing so beyond the confines of your marriage is a first step.

You say you were very young when you met. I wonder if you had already lost most, if not all, of your family by that point and your husband was some kind of 'saviour' for you? A bit of a knight in shining armour, someone you may have idealised as being stronger, more competent and capable than you? If not, over time you seem to have developed these beliefs about him. Beliefs don't have to be static, they can morph and change. Beliefs are one story we tell ourselves to make sense of the world. There are other stories where the facts may remain the same, but the meaning we ascribe to them change. For example:

Story 1: I had a baby and, consequently suffered from PND. I was so incompetent and pathetic that I couldn't cope, so my husband would tell me exactly what I had to do and how to do it. Due to my incompetence, I became really sulky and irrational when all he was doing was trying to help. He's such a great dad and I'm such a rubbish mum, weak and pathetic.

Story 2: I had a baby and, consequently, suffered from PND. I was in such a dark place, frightened and lonely. I so wanted to be the best mother I could be. Instead of supporting me at this difficult time, all my husband did was continually berate me. He was a rubbish husband at the time when I needed a calm, loving man to support me through this difficult time. I did the best I could. It's a miracle I came through it, when I consider the zero compassion I got from my husband. I am so much stronger than I ever imagined.

Going to Women's Aid was a great first step. There is a part of you that wants this change, otherwise you would never have taken that step. By keeping the dialogue open with Women's Aid, sharing all the fears you share on here, you begin to develop support networks beyond your marriage.

muddywellies

You're very insightful skatty.

Very.

balletshoes

muddywellies wrote: »

I don't think it can to be honest, hope that offends no one but I just don't

Children are affected by all sorts of things.
I have a daughter, if my husband abused me even slightly physically (your "not hard" hits, pushes, shoves etc) he'd be out the door, because we all deserve respect as human beings. Being physically abusive to a partner, to me, means they have no respect for that person they are supposed to love and cherish, they can do what they like without any regard for their "loves" feelings whatsoever. How is that love? How is that care? How is that being cherished?

Are you worried that the fragile mental state your husband has you in now after so many years together, telling you (ever so nicely) that you can't cope without him, or can't do a good job without him etc, with the occasional shove into the bargain, will mean that your husband will win custody of the children in a formal separation? If you are, or think this might be an issue when/if you divorce, my advice would be to get help from your GP now with these feelings of isolation/unreal quality of your life. When you are mentally stronger you will feel differently about yourself and your capabilities.

You said you are the primary child carer in your household - that being the case, you are their primary role model too. What you accept, they will grow up to think as the norm.

eta - I completely agree with the others on this thread who are encouraging you to get out and get something for yourself, outside of the home, even if you do reconcile. Meet people, find your own interests, build acquaintances from voluntary work etc. It doesn't have to take up loads of your time (it doesn't sound like you have a lot of it at the moment) even an hour or so a week (mother and toddlers would be a great start, and our SureStart centres have them just about every day round here).

muddywellies

I think he'd certainly get joint custody; I think my son would choose to live with him.

Then they are alone with him which is another worry

balletshoes

muddywellies wrote: »

I think he'd certainly get joint custody; I think my son would choose to live with him.

Then they are alone with him which is another worry

if you are in England, it would depend on their age whether they get that choice I think (I don't know the ins and outs of that though).

Whats worrying you about the children being alone with their Dad?

Joint custody isn't a formality, especially since he physically abuses you.

Grumpelstiltskin

Muddy The first thing you need to get into your head is that money isn't everything.


You appear to think as long as you can throw money at your children they will be fine, that is just not true look at how many children of millionaires end up either dead from drugs or in prison.


Your children need your love and to live in a happy house, I'm sure the older ones must realise something isn't right.


Put your children's happiness first and get out of this abusive relationship.


So what if in 6 months time your washer breaks down, the world won't come to an end

pinkduvetdiva

muddywellies wrote: »

Don't hate me because I can't leave.

He's all I've got.

We don't hate you, but your post is wrong - you and your children are all that you've got.

Pollycat

balletshoes wrote: »

if you are in England, it would depend on their age whether they get that choice I think (I don't know the ins and outs of that though).

Whats worrying you about the children being alone with their Dad?

Joint custody isn't a formality, especially since he physically abuses you.

muddywellies wrote: »

My husband and I are currently separated, we've been in a state of limbo for a while. We have three very young children.

muddywellies wrote: »

Well, I am a SAHM at the moment. My youngest is only a few months old though.

I think you need to wise up and get proper advice - not that based on what this bloke tells you.

What are you are hoping to get out of this thread?

You've had support, you've had advice but you have knocked back everything that's been posted - in addition to rejecting help from an organisation specifically set up to help women in your position.

BrassicWoman

muddywellies wrote: »

Don't hate me because I can't leave.

He's all I've got.

There are times when I have moved city and I have been all I have got.

And then you join a book group or a knitting group or a mums and toddlers and over time your superficial acquaintances become friends. And then one day there is a crisis and there is someone to call and they turn up with cake.

People regularly surprise me with their kindness. The world has many many more good people in it than bad.

He may be all you have now, but you also have YOU, and given the chance there can also be others in your life.

BrassicWoman

Pollycat wrote: »

You've had support, you've had advice but you have knocked back everything that's been posted - in addition to rejecting help from an organisation specifically set up to help women in your position.

It can take time to make a decision. It takes time to think through options.

As far as I am concerned OP can come and ask about options 20,30,40 times - each occasion helps move her thinking along a bit.