Staying in a marriage you think might be abusive

Mojisola

There's an impressive forum member called wiggywoo who escaped from an abusive mother - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4805353

At the beginning, she didn't think that she would be able to cope and she has had times when life has been very hard but she has coped and has realised that she's very far from the useless person that her mother had told her she was.

No-one breaks away easily from an abusive relationship but there are tens of thousands of women and men in the UK who have done just that. It takes time and experience before you can learn who you are again but then you can be in control of the whole of the rest of your life.

barbiedoll

Ok OP, so you're not ready to leave him yet. That's fair enough.

But how do you feel about making some small but positive steps towards gaining a little more independence? Things that will give you an insight into how you can change your life for the better?

1)...Money: You say that you're separated at present. Why can't you afford to take your child to school? Is your husband giving you money for food etc or is he doing the shopping or accompanying you to the shops? Tell him that you need more money, if you are as wealthy as you say then you should be able to open your purse and have some money of your own in there. Does he let you have any cash, do you have to show receipts etc, to account for your spending? (This is a very common form of control)
Do you receive Child Benefit for the children? Do you have your own bank account?

You can set up a basic bank account online and you can arrange with the HMRC to have the Child Benefit paid directly into your account. This will give you some money each week that he can't control.

For now, tell (don't ask) him that you need some money because you want to take the children out during the day. Then find a local mum and baby/toddler group (they are everywhere), ask your health visitor if you can't find any. And go out and meet some people. Young children are always a good conversation-starter, and in a group full of mothers, there will be someone who will talk to you, even if it takes a couple of weeks to get started. It will also be good for the children to get out of the house and play with others. If you can't find any such groups, look at library reading groups, they often have sing-song sessions and the like. Leisure centres often have baby gym sessions, there's so many things to do with young kids nowadays, all of which are great places to meet other parents. You may not make any life-long friendships but even a natter over a coffee is a big step for someone who "has no-one".

2)...No friends/family: You can't do much about family if they are all gone but you can make an effort to meet new people and start making friends. There are very, very few people in this world who are genuinely unlikeable and friendless, I very much doubt that you are one of them. And if you're such an awful person, why is your husband so keen to keep you close by? Try joining an evening class or an exercise class. Why can't he have the kids for a couple of hours when you go out? He clearly thinks that he is the better parent, would the kids be in danger if left with him for an evening? (If you think this, then you should leave immediately anyway, what if anything happened to you and he had to look after them for weeks at a time??)

3)...Plans to leave (if, and when you want to)...You may decide that you want to stay with him forever and that's your decision. But, there's no harm in making a few small plans now, they don't need to sway your decision either way.
Make sure that you have yours, and the children's birth certificates and passports somewhere safe that you can always get to if you need to. Some people use something like an old handbag that wouldn't get a second glance in a wardrobe.
Keep details of bank accounts (you do have your name on a bank account with him don't you?)...if you have to leave, you will have access to money. If you don't have a joint bank account and you don't have one of your own, ask him why. And then insist that this changes. If he won't do it, do it yourself.

If you get cash for housekeeping, start stashing some of it away, even if it's just a couple of quid each week. Keep a change jar, hide the odd fiver in your knicker drawer, "lose" £1 coins in the bottom of your handbag. If the kids have a money box, you can stash notes in there.

4)....Health: Do reach out to your health visitor or GP. This will not result in anyone taking your kids away, nor will it mean that you would lose access to your kids in the event of any separation. A history of PND does not mean that you are any less capable as a parent, it just means that you had an illness (which may still be ongoing) and that you may need treatment. You'd go to the doctor if you had a chest infection, and you wouldn't expect to have your kids taken away then, would you?

I know it's very easy for us keyboard warriors to sit here and tell you to leave and to change your life and your whole outlook. But I do know that such a huge change is very hard to contemplate, let alone carry out.

But....if you take small steps, you will keep control. If something seems too scary (asking him for money, signing up for a class), then break it down into smaller steps. (Bringing up money in a casual conversation, researching classes on the internet)

Only you can change your life for the better, no-one can do it for you if you don't help yourself. As many others have said, what would you tell your daughter to do, if she were in your situation?

thorsoak

Life can still bite on the bum ....I've just had someone knock on my door, to tell me that I have 4 six-foot fence panels break away, they are now lying flat on the folly leading from the road I live in to another - it's Sunday lunchtime, and 've had to sort something out on my own now - hope my knots are tight enough ...and hope that I can get hold of a guy who does fencing asap. Neighbours (on both sides) are away for the weekend. And I have 3 dogs. And I'm 73! Deep joy!



As I said earlier, Muddywellies - stuff happens!

pigpen

barbiedoll wrote: »

4)....Health: Do reach out to your health visitor or GP. This will not result in anyone taking your kids away, nor will it mean that you would lose access to your kids in the event of any separation. A history of PND does not mean that you are any less capable as a parent, it just means that you had an illness (which may still be ongoing) and that you may need treatment. You'd go to the doctor if you had a chest infection, and you wouldn't expect to have your kids taken away then, would you?
?

As someone going through a $h!tty carry on with relation to ex and children right now.. this is not true! They throw it at you as proof you are a piece of $h!te.. they use every single little thing against you.. when you had SPD so bad you couldn't do the school runs, when you had PND 15 YEARS ago and asked for help.. when you had PTSD as a result of terrible treatment from the NHS... it is ALL used against you.. every single thing!

muddywellies

Some of you are incredibly insightful and I am so grateful - I'm on my phone right now but I will go through later and reply to you all properly xx

BrassicWoman

muddy, you don't have to reply to everyone if it gets exhausting


Look after you first, then the kids, then us

creased-leach

I was with a carbon copy of your husband from the age of 16 to my late 30's.

I know how it feels to be so brow beaten that you genuinely believe you can't cope alone. I know how it feels to have threats of suicide hanging over you as the ultimate 'incentive' to stay.

I also know how it feels to find one of your daughters curled up, heavily pregnant cowering and crying under a tree whilst her partner (three times her size) shouting at her. To later find that he had thrown her when in early pregnancy into a field. He'd raped her.

Being controlled by a 'man' was what she'd grown up believing was normal.

I waited years too long to leave. I let my children down because I wasn't strong enough.

Believe it or not, you've done the worst part. Take the support. STAY GONE. sometimes you will struggle, but every day away is a step in the right direction.

Try to get a place on the freedom programme. You'll realise you're really not alone.

I spent 6 horrendous months post separation under the same roof as my ex. When I needed to find some courage, I'd listen to 'Lion hearted girl' by Florence and the machine. It always helped.

Your children need you to find your inner lioness. Don't wait til you find them cowering under a tree.

Pollycat

creased-leach wrote: »

I was with a carbon copy of your husband from the age of 16 to my late 30's.

I know how it feels to be so brow beaten that you genuinely believe you can't cope alone. I know how it feels to have threats of suicide hanging over you as the ultimate 'incentive' to stay.

I also know how it feels to find one of your daughters curled up, heavily pregnant cowering and crying under a tree whilst her partner (three times her size) shouting at her. To later find that he had thrown her when in early pregnancy into a field. He'd raped her.

Being controlled by a 'man' was what she'd grown up believing was normal.

I waited years too long to leave. I let my children down because I wasn't strong enough.

Believe it or not, you've done the worst part. Take the support. STAY GONE. sometimes you will struggle, but every day away is a step in the right direction.

Try to get a place on the freedom programme. You'll realise you're really not alone.

I spent 6 horrendous months post separation under the same roof as my ex. When I needed to find some courage, I'd listen to 'Lion hearted girl' by Florence and the machine. It always helped.

Your children need you to find your inner lioness. Don't wait til you find them cowering under a tree.

OP
If you take notice of any post in this thread, please let it be this one.

elisebutt65

With regards to benefits, you do know that they don't care if all the money is tied up in the house? Is this what your OH has told you?

All they care about is how much cash is in YOUR bank account. If it's his money, then it doesn't count.

You should get income support , Child benefit and Child tax credit and then he has to pay maintenance on top.

Ring up the DSS/job centre for an appointment & take all your bank statements etc with you. Or ask Women's Aid for help with this.

BigAunty

Child maintenance paid by the other parent doesn't affect the level of benefits, either.

Obviously, as a control freak he may be part of the large number of non-resident parents who refuse to pay towards the upkeep of their children.

However, I believe the figure expected for 3 children is around 20-25% of their income (which is paid on top of benefits and doesn't affect them). You may find your combined benefit and CM income might be £300 - 500 per week or so [with the majority of your rent and council tax paid by Housing Benefit and the local council. EDIT - HB entitlement in a rental property is complicated by property ownership. HB is not payable to owner occupiers. However, home owners on certain benefits can be entitled to Support for Mortgage Interest - see the Shelter website for info on SMI and how to deal with potential mortgage arrears/repossession and any alternative schemes]

The OP should enter their details into the Turn2us online benefit calculator. Also, look up their options and rights on the relationship breakdown section of the Shelter website which also has a section on Domestic Abuse. Also, check out the Child Maintenance calculator here

https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance/overview

The local council website will detail how much housing benefit is payable for the size of property that you are entitled to, depending on number of bedrooms (age/sex of children are a factor in calculating it). The rate is known as 'Local Housing Allowance'.

Are you a joint owner of the marital property?