Staying in a marriage you think might be abusive

*max*

I wish people would stop using expressions such as "You DO know that...right?"

Some people DON'T know. That's why they're asking for help. And offering help in that way sounds very condescending - and might stop someone from using it.

Gigervamp

Would the OP get housing benefit if she part owns properties though?

BigAunty

Gigervamp wrote: »

Would the OP get housing benefit if she part owns properties though?

Does the OP have any property ownership? I haven't looked back over their old post.

Probably a question for the Benefits board if she is a property owner. AFAIK, Lone parents can get HB at a rental property if the property they own is up for sale but it is probably more complicated than that. There is a poster called 'Housing Benefit Officer' on the benefits board who is an expert in this area.

Also, if she is a joint owner of the marital home, she could look into securing an occupation order on it so she can live there with the kids until the youngest turns 18. More info on the Shelter and Womens Aid websites about the criteria and process for this.

Gigervamp

Yes, she mentioned jointly owning properties (plural) with her husband.

74jax

Gigervamp wrote: »

Yes, she mentioned jointly owning properties (plural) with her husband.

Yes I read that too and understood she was in one of them and he was in the other.... I think.

BigAunty

Gigervamp wrote: »

Yes, she mentioned jointly owning properties (plural) with her husband.

Worth mentioning now that capital does not presently affect tax credits (working/child tax credits) which are calculated on income.

However, tax credits are getting scrapped if/when the Universal Credit system is introduced. UC will apply the current capital rules that are in place with benefits like Income Support, Council tax discount, housing benefit. Supposedly, UC is coming in across the country in a few years time.

This means that people who own more than 1 property who currently qualify for tax credits due to low income may not necessarily qualify for UC which has more conditionality.

There is transitional protection in place (I don't know what this is but it protects existing claims for a while until certain triggers or time has elapsed) but capital over 6k starts to reduce entitlement while capital over 16k rules it out. Therefore, those with capital tied up in properties other than where they owner occupy that have equity in them may be affected.

Again, another question for the benefit board for the OP to determine if they are required to make changes so they are not caught up in the new capital rules.

System

Whilst i didn't have children to consider, i spent years with a very abusive and nasty man. Although he wasn't physically violent (bar the times he pushed me over, threw a glass and my head and kicked down my bedroom door) he was very emotionally manipulative and would frequently tell me what a terrible person i was, how i could never survive without him, how nobody else would ever be with someone as screwed up as me. He isolated me. Didn't want me to see friends, if i dared ask if i could go out it usually ended up in an argument. His temper terrified me. And yet i was always the one in the wrong. I was always the bad guy. Nothing i did was right. I couldn't work cos i was mentally ill yet he'd use that against me, and tell me how useless i was and how easy i had it (cos waking up everyday wishing you were dead for 3 1/2 years is such a easy life). He also cheated on me repeatedly.

I wish so badly that i had found the confidence to leave him sooner. I wish i had listened to my best friend who told me i deserved better. I wish i hadn't lost years of my life to him. But i did, because i was too scared to be alone. He made me believe i couldn't cope without him. I did things, things i can barely bare to remember to try and please him, things i was never comfortable with, i felt so ashamed. Then he cheated on me again and that was my breaking point. I;d had enough. He finally left me for her and although i was terrfied it was the start of something new.

I found that actually, i was ok on my own. The word did not implode. And then i found actually someone else would want me, and treat me with the respect i deserved. Away from him i engaged with my mental heath team (something he prevented me doing for years) and i ended up stable enough to go back to work. Something when i was him i was made to believe was never possible.

I realise you are scared, scared that you will be alone, scared that you won't cope, scared that you can;t live without him and scared that he;s all you;ve got. But none of those things are true. You have your children, and you have a chance to be free. Please don;t waste another minute of your tie with this person. You deserve so much better and you deserve (as do your children) to be safe and happy. there is help available and even if you don't feel ready to leave right now, just know that it IS an option. You can do this.

patanne

I have a friend who put up with this sort of thing for years, after all it only affected her. We will ignore the punch to the stomach whilst pregnant and taking her 'prescribed whilst pregnant' iron tablets because he needed them more than she did. Everything was fine or at least a version of it. Even when her eldest, a girl, reached puberty no problem unless you count her tendency to cower in a corner. The trouble started when her son's voice started going deeper, cue puberty, he was, of course, an early starter. She left after he received his first punch. Please don't leave it this long.

I have been in a manipulative marriage, fortunately no children were involved, but by the time I left I couldn't even walk into a shop and ask for what I wanted. It was a long time ago and supermarkets were very new, so at least I could buy food.

My mother decided I needed some new clothes and took me clothes shopping and I stood there looking like a fish with my mouth opening and nothing coming out. He didn't even hit me until after I had left. This is what they do to you. This is what happened to me and I had been, for those times certainly, outspoken and a little bloody minded, opinionated etc etc

I wish I could say that what happened did not affect the future me, but it did. And that damage was done in 18 months not 18 years. So please try to find a way to get out of this situation.

On the good side, I have always been inclined to a bit of reclusiveness. I am a loner in other words. I have lived here for 25 years and barely know the names of my neighbours. I suffered a bereavement recently, my mother aged 90 died (a release believe me). My young neighbours found out and in the evening after the funeral brought flowers around for me. It was the closest I have come to tears for 20 years. People can surprise you and the support they are prepared to give you can also surprise you. So allow people to help, even those who at the moment appear to be strangers, and learn to know that you are valued, that people DO think that you are worth it.

TBagpuss

muddywellies wrote: »

I guess because he is so good at presenting things like I'm the one to blame.

I spoke to him before and he says things like 'you just don't do what you do very well when I'm not here do you?' but he doesn't say them harshly, it's more sort of amused indulgence and he'll often roll his eyes and laugh a bit.

He has a list as long as his arm about my bad behaviour, I have the same for him. Maybe we deserve one another.

As to why I stay or why I haven't completely called time on the marriage, because of the children. I just don't deal with stuff very well. Someone said to me a few months ago if I had ever considered I had a form of ADHD and I dismissed it but I have wondered if it's possible.

I haven''t had time yet to read through the whole thread but this is absolutely classic absuive behavior. Abusers typically work to undermine the self-confidence of their victims. His saying these things 'indulgenctly' doesn't change what he is saying - in fact it is pretty dismissive and patronising.

It is also sending a very unhealthy message to your children - they will be learning that this is normal, that it is OK, in a relationship, for one patner to be afraid, and the other to be violent and controlling.

It is incredibly hard to leave becuase you are batttling against years and years of control and undermining.

You are strong. You have taken the first steps, by questioning this relationship, bu posting here, by contacting Women's Aid.

Keep going.

Talk to your GP. Record with them that you have suffered domestic abuse.

Talk to Women's Aid, or Refuge, or our local support groups. They have been where you are now, they will understnad how hard it is to move on.

It's OK to ask the same questions more than once. it's OK to need reassurance. It's OK that you have to take things one step at a time.

Try to work towards the point where you can leave, permanently, to keep yourself and your children safe.

Talk to a solicitor. Many ofer a free initial appointment. You're married, longer term you will be able to get a finacial settlement so you are not left destitute.

Good Luck. And stay strong.

VfM4meplse

OP, all you need to do is make one small change and it will give you the confidence to do more and more. Convincing yourself is a huge barrier because you have been conditioned to feel helpless. Remind yourself that you are only as helpless as you choose to be.

If you have time on your hands I'd recommend that you read this. It may help you shift perspective.