Staying in a marriage you think might be abusive

Shooting~Star*

Controlling behaviour with money or anything else and emotional abuse is still abuse at the end of the day, it doesn't have to be physical abuse all the time for it to still matter what he's doing to you.

I know it's hard to leave something when you know by leaving it will make your life a little harder for a while, but you just have to think of do you really want to be stuck in that situation for years and years. Yes you have children, but you can't let that keep you staying with a man that doesn't deserve you being with him. You are showing the children that it's ok for a man to be like that towards a woman. I know that you may think that they don't see or hear everything, but kids do believe me.

There is a lot of help out there as has been mentioned. You don't have to live your life like you are doing, kids or not. You deserve to be happy as well and only you can answer if you think deep down, if you ever could be with him.

I've been in a relationship like that. You can never do anything right, all the little comments you get, the put downs, you start to think after a while it's you who might be the problem, but it's not, no one has the right to treat anyone like that and you don't need to put up with it.

I know it's overwhelming and I know that you can't make changes overnight, but you can start thinking of it and seeing him for what he is and planning and also starting to get some help as well. You really don't need to do it all alone.

SingleSue

In just a few days it will be 10 years since our lives started again. At the time, I thought there would be no way I would cope as I was mid breakdown and already on the edge (well, actually over the edge). I had been told I was a hopeless mother, hopeless wife, hopeless everything.

I was in a high earning marriage, my salary was good, his was excellent but everything was left to me and despite running around like a headless chicken all day trying to run the house, work extra hours during the day (on top of my evening shift normal hours) and deal with two disabled children (plus a non disabled one), surviving on little or no sleep, even the tiniest thing would send him raging around the house, shouting, screaming and throwing things.

It was an affair that proved the catalyst for things to fall apart, not on my part I hasten to add. I could have forgiven the affair, probably because he had guilt tripped me into thinking it was my fault but it was the things he said in the days after I challenged him which set off the lightbulb in my head...awful awful things that could never be forgiven.

The relief I felt on the day he moved out was amazing but it was the comment from our eldest son which really cut through "I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells anymore or about to be smacked mum".

Ok, we had no money as he cleared the joint bank accounts out the day he left (unfortunately, I hadn't quite got that bit right) and all the bills to pay still as it was near the end of the month but we survived.

I also had to give up the job I loved as childcare was not possible to obtain due to the level of disabilities the younger two had and I was thrown onto the benefit train...not quite what I had expected or planned for my life.

We survived it all though, there were times when I thought I would never get to the end of the day, when I would lock myself in the toilet and cry but gradually I got stronger until the day when on one of the very rare visits the ex made to the boys, I stood up to him. I'm not sure who was more shocked to be honest but I do know he wasn't very happy and tried his old trick of trying to belittle me....it didn't work (which made him even angrier)

It was a few years later the neighbours told me what they had seen and heard on the nights I was working and he was looking after the children, he had been aggressive and violent to them too but they hadn't said a word to me or anyone else. The boys also gave more information as they got older about what had gone on and the guilt I felt for allowing him to control me for that length of time was horrendous.

10 years down the line, I am the confident person I once was, the children are well adjusted and doing well and although we are not rich and we have had to go without, we are so much happier than we were.....the boys call me superwoman!

sallysaver

I sincerely hope that Muddy Waters has read and re-read your post Single Sue. You are indeed 'beyond Superwoman' and I hope & pray this gives MW the courage to improve her life in some small way.

patanne

On the practical side I would suggest bolts or at least chains on the inside of all external doors and that you use them at all times. This prevents the 'walking straight in' without so much as a call to say he is calling in on his way home - this is controlling behaviour which should be discouraged. I found (after the 3rd walk-in caught me in the shower) that when I said, after the 4th ATTEMPTED walk-in, there have been some attempted break-ins in the area during the day so thought it would be safer to keep all the doors secure, he actually believed me. He must have thought I was too cowed to lie to him.

Doing this will make you feel more in control of your life. I recommend practicing saying it several times until it just comes out without thinking.

pigpen

My situation was similar Sue but I was not allowed to work.. I might talk to someone or get a friend!

The relief I felt on the day he moved out was amazing but it was the comment from our eldest son which really cut through "I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells anymore or about to be smacked mum".

and this.. 3 days after cf left I heard a strange noise.. so I sneaked up on it.. it was my daughter laughing.. it was so long since I had heard her laugh I didn't know what it was!

I had to get a babysitter to come when he was home alone with the children.. I was only allowed out with my mother.

candygirl

pigpen wrote: »

My situation was similar Sue but I was not allowed to work.. I might talk to someone or get a friend!




and this.. 3 days after cf left I heard a strange noise.. so I sneaked up on it.. it was my daughter laughing.. it was so long since I had heard her laugh I didn't know what it was!

I had to get a babysitter to come when he was home alone with the children.. I was only allowed out with my mother.

My ex refused to pay for me to go to nightschool, so my parents paid! When I arrived, his Mum was there to keep an eye on me :eek: I finally divorced him, did a degree n PGCE , and never looked back

SingleSue

pigpen wrote: »

My situation was similar Sue but I was not allowed to work.. I might talk to someone or get a friend!




and this.. 3 days after cf left I heard a strange noise.. so I sneaked up on it.. it was my daughter laughing.. it was so long since I had heard her laugh I didn't know what it was!

I had to get a babysitter to come when he was home alone with the children.. I was only allowed out with my mother.

Sounds awful, I did at least have a little more freedom than that, mind you, by that point, my self esteem and confidence was so low, I shied away from general talk at work or the social events connected to work as I believed I was so absolutely awful that no one would want to have anything to do with me.

Although I had a lot on my plate already, it was expected of me to work otherwise I was even more of a failure and not pulling my weight. Luckily, I loved my job even if it left me exhausted with everything else and it was a welcome escape not only from the hubby situation but also from my caring role....I was 'normal' for those hours.

You can imagine his reaction when my brain and body broke from the pressure, lack of sleep, stress etc, rather than being supportive, he was telling me I should do everyone a favour and end it all I was so worthless.

lemonpopcorn

muddywellies wrote: »

I think he'd certainly get joint custody; I think my son would choose to live with him.

Then they are alone with him which is another worry

muddywellies I didn't want to read and run.
A lot of what you have said echo's so much of my own situation but it's this last sentence that concerns me.

you say you believe he's the better parent yet you worry if he is alone with the children - why?

I think the reason you came here is that despite all he tells you, despite how you feel or view yourself your instinct is screaming at you that everything he tells you is wrong, every negative opinion he has of you is wrong.

That last sentence is your instinct telling you this isn't any way to live.

I stayed for 19 years despite trying to leave numerous times, like you he never really hit me, well not in the way I thought domestic violence was (being punched hard).

He would tell me very gently that he wanted to leave but couldn't for my sake and the children's as he would worry how I'd cope.

I did get some degree of independence as I had a career, however he allowed that as he found full time work too stressful and me being the type of person I am didn't want to rock our family unit.

I met my ex when young and was with him my whole adult life till just over two years ago.
I grew up without my dad (he died when I was young) and was desperate to ensure our kids had their dad with them, that's one of the many reasons I stayed, some of the others were about me and how he made me feel, he could make me feel like the most cherished woman ever, in hindsight it was mainly with words not actions, his actions eroded my confidence and self esteem, then he started using words and control to erode that as well.

But he could also make me feel like the most useless person on the planet and that the children would be better off without me especially if I dared to say I was leaving.

Like you we have three children and our daughter is the eldest, he appeared loving till he was tired, hungry or stressed which over the years became more and more frequent.
Our entire life and household was set up and organised to meet his needs and walking on eggshells became normal, we all became hypervigilant to his moods and would change our behaviour accordingly.

It was when he started treating our daughter in the same way he treated me when he was nasty that I saw more clearly who he was and started looking for ways to leave, when he encouraged our sons to be disrespectful to her and me I knew that somehow I had to change it.
Yet I was still terrified to leave, he'd threatened that he'd never allow anyone else to take his place in mine or the children's lives, he said if I left I couldn't take the children as I wouldn't cope and even if I tried he'd make sure one way or another he'd get them back.

So I stayed and tried to help him, I believed he was mentally unwell and begged him to get help, I still didn't see that it was domestic abuse/violence, I thought if I got him the help he needed then he'd go back to the person I fell in love with.

I dismissed all my instincts and believed I deserved no better than what I had.

I became an emotional buffer between him with his anger and aggression and the children, but still I didn't do enough to protect them.
I will live with that guilt for the rest of my life.

I found my inner lioness after discovering affairs and him being away from home unable to return without my help or support, the realisation that I was not going mad and the anger I felt at him for trying to convince me for months/years that every suspicion was in my head, that I was paranoid and jealous but also convincing our children that I was that and mentally unwell because of it, well that anger became my spark to end it and at that point every loving feeling for him went.

I won't deny it's hard, it is, but leaving was the best decision I've ever made.

I was convinced (or rather he convinced me) that I suffered from depression for our entire relationship, it's amazing how quickly that cleared up when I didn't need to walk on eggshells anymore.

As for practical advice please phone woman's aid more often, they really are best placed to help you.

Have you considered a refuge, your children are young enough that they will adjust to moving somewhere else, the refuge workers can assist with housing, benefits etc and regardless of what your current situation is you will be entitled to enough to live on.

I understand your fear about being without him but you are much stronger than you think and you are far more capable than you think.

Your instinct is telling you this or you wouldn't be here posting this, please listen to your instinct more.

barbiedoll

lemonpopcorn wrote: »

I was convinced (or rather he convinced me) that I suffered from depression for our entire relationship, it's amazing how quickly that cleared up when I didn't need to walk on eggshells anymore.

Oh.....this bit jumped out at me!

It's so true, isn't it, how men like this always imply that their partner is suffering from "depression" after they have destroyed her confidence, self-esteem and sense of worth?

I lived with an abusive partner for 6 years and when we finally split, I called my best friend (who, like everyone else, had no idea what was going on)...she immediately said.."Come round here, you can have a good cry"
I told her, no chance, and did she fancy going out on the town on Friday night?

The sense of relief and freedom was like winning the lottery...only better.

pigpen

candygirl wrote: »

My ex refused to pay for me to go to nightschool, so my parents paid! When I arrived, his Mum was there to keep an eye on me :eek: I finally divorced him, did a degree n PGCE , and never looked back

I was allowed to go with my mother